The kids love him already...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The kids love him already...
7
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 4:50pm

I am involved in a singles group at my church, and I have developed some good friendships with a lot of the men there. Usually I weed out the men I meet there because knowing them as friends first gives you a heads-up about what they have and don't have that you want in a lifetime partner. I had weeded all of them out...except one. It is very scary to me about how he just fits into my family, life, etc. My kids already know him, and he is great with them. I just never expected to meet anyone who would fit so well and have the values I have so I was just preparing to have a single life overall and enjoy it 100%. Apparently, that was what he was thinking, too!

Although I have been fairly unmotivated to date much (kinda like being single), when I had met men in the past, I kept my kids out of it at first. Now I can't really do that--they already know him and see him frequently just in our activities as a group, much less seeing us together. Their dad isn't involved in their life either so it is not like I can wait for an off-weekend because they do not exist. Any ideas on how to deal with this? I really think this could be the real-deal, but if it isn't, I don't want them to be hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 12:25am

Welcome to our board!!

It sounds like you like this guy and he is very family oriented and it is great that you have your church in common!!

And yes there is always a risk the kids will be hurt if it doesn't work out so you do have to be careful. Hopefully you have spent enough time together by now that you have an idea if it is going well?

I never like involving my son too much - I do feel it is important that they meet - but I never allow them to spend enough one on one time to get close or bond. Just my .02.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 1:57am

I'd be interested in seeing what others might have to say, too.


But my opinion on this, is that it's okay for the kids to "love him" at this point- because they love him as just another friend from the church. I'm assuming here- that they do not see him as YOUR DATE or boyfriend or potential step-dad at this point??? From what you wrote, I'm assuming that you haven't actually gone on real dates yet, but that you know him as a friend, and you both agree that you might like to pursue a romantic relationship together?


If I'm reading this right, then I think this situation is truly one where you guys should go SLOW. Slow enough so no one rushes or pushes. Slow enough so you have time to communicate and decide exactly what you want, and see if there is anything about the other that you just can't live with (deal breakers). Because the kids ARE already involved in a way- that makes it even more crucial that you keep

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for aimsicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 7:22am

I forgot I hadn't posted here...sorry for the lack of an introduction! I lurk here, but because I haven't really let anyone get serious with me, I have not had drama to post...lol.

I figure we should go slow, but that is going to be more difficult than it has been with the others simply because I already know him and have already started discussing dealbreakers...lol. He is the only one in that group that I have not found any yet, and I have even checked his longtime friends as references because I keep thinking there must be something! I am hoping that just because of the kids we are organizing around, we will have to go slower than if we didn't have kids so maybe that will help.

My oldest daughter puts everyone up for size in the stepdad category...she is actually the one who pushed this along because she decided to tell him that I liked him (not because I told her that--just because she wants a new dad desperately). We went to go look at Christmas lights together, and after he started jamming to Hilary Duff songs, my oldest told me "See, this is just like a real family, Mom." He smiled when she said that.

I also worry about that transitional man thing. I mean, like I said, I have dated and hung out with guys. I am not into casual sex, and I have not met anyone that did not seem to have issues or dealbreakers that I wanted to deal with so I have not been serious with anyone. I have spent extensive time with a couple of guys since my divorce, but I haven't really seen potential in them, and I much rather be single than settle (I am not just saying that--I went through too much in my marriage to even want anything like that again!).

Well, time will tell. We are going out tonight alone so we will see what happens!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 11:07am

"See, this is just like a real family, Mom."


Oh wow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 7:13am

Yes, perhaps I should have noted how daddy-hungry my oldest is in the first post!

We went out for the first time last night without kids. It was nice. He picked a wonderful place for dinner, and then we went driving around. We finally talked some, and I THINK it is good, but I admit being a little confused. I should mention previously that I was worried about being a transitional woman for him since the ink just dried on his divorce (even though they have been separated for 2 years). Judging from our conversation, I think he was really giving that some thought.

He said that he never got into our group to date because he didn't want the group to be uncomfortable for either one of us if the dating did not work out. He also said he does not want to ruin the friendship we have so we should take it slow. He acknowledged that our banter was already marriage-minded, and that was freaking us both out, and he does not want to mislead me. He is not sure he is ready to date or not as his daughter is his number one, and he had not even considered dating yet. So overall I think he was saying to slow it down and be patient with him, but he did not seem closed to a future. He did keep saying "if this becomes something more..."

I told him that was fine with me. I am going to continue to date others (didn't tell him that because I didn't want to seem manipulative) just to guard my heart so I don't put all my eggs into his basket and get heartbroken. I am a firm believer that if it is meant to be, it will work itself out.

Nothing physical other than a hug happened. Only time will tell... I am going out of town this weekend so that will be a good breather for us both after this somewhat-intense week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 10:40am

I actually have a few words of advice since I'm in a bit of a similar boat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 6:30pm
I agree that you need to keep the kids OUT of your dating. For 2 reasons ... the 1st, most important, to keep their emotions out of it. & to keep them from getting attached & hurt. & 2ndly, b/c you wont ever GET to know eachother really well unless you spend quality ALONE adult time together.

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