Kinda Confused
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| Wed, 04-11-2007 - 1:19pm |
I'm really confused. Shane is still living at home, sleeping in our bed next to me, and seems genuinely happy at home, but when we talk about things, he says he's going to move out...soon. Last night, he said I was his best friend. Of course, this is what I always wanted, to be that to him. He puckers and kisses at me as I walk past him and last night we cuddled in bed watching tv. It was a very pleasant evening, really. We didn't talk about it, it never came up. We just were there together and talked when we wanted to and were quiet or doing what we needed to do otherwise. I had laundry to fold and some homework to finish for my class and he watched the kids. We watched part of a movie together until I got up to go do what else I needed to do. He helped me get stuff straightened in the kitchen and put the baby to bed. I saw how happy we were last night and I just knew we could make it. He says we need to be apart so we can heal, but after last night, maybe if we both just drop it and stop talking about the problems and make an effort to just get along and not say hurtful things, it could be so good. Of course I am still going to go to counseling and get the help I need adjusting my insecurities, but you know what? Shane was gone all weekend to his friend's and I never asked anything about the weekend. I just hugged him as he came home and said I was glad he was home. I thought it would drive me nuts to not know, but I know in my heart he was good. I know in my heart he behaved. I just don't need to know. I love him enough NOT to ask as he didn't ask about my night out Friday, only if I had fun. It's called trust. And I can have that. I want him so badly and I know that we can make it. I just hope these mixed signals stop and I guess if we don't talk about it, maybe he'll see how dedicated I am to making it work and he will be too.
~Melissa~

I don't blame you for being confused. Of course you want what you see now - the peace, the intact home, the security, the affection, a father for the kids.
I think the counselor is the best bet for you - he or she will help you put all the cards on the table and sort out what is what. Where to go from here.
I just hope you aren't like the good people of New Orleans - the hurricane warning is coming - but they all love their dear city the way it is and don't want to change. So they ignore the signs of trouble and say maybe it will be alright and they stay put.
None of us can tell you what is best for you - only you can do that.
I think the calm is here for right now because he doesn't want to spend any money on something and he doesn't want to take his only weekend and disappear with a friend. If he only does that like once a year and you had a huge blowup that could be okay. But if it is a bedrock of a lot of problems that upset you and hurt you that is not okay.
I guess my point is, don't stick your head in the sand. Do something. Why don't you make a private list somewhere of all the things you like and all the things you don't like about what he does. That way you will have a more clear picture and can take your list to the counselor - it will make your time with that person more effective.
Once a long time ago in my 20s (premarriage) I was dating a guy who drank. He drank every day and I didn't really know anything about drinking. He had a lot of money - tooke me on trips. Had a big ranch with several fancy cars. Invited me to live with him so I could save money. Bit by bit his personality faults seeped in. He would become irrate if he thought I was not paying enough attention to him. He threw a dish across the kitchen. Then he told me he had 3 divorces. Sometimes I would be with him and everything would be so wonderful. Then it would not. I got confused about his drinking and behavior. So I went to a counselor. We figured out he was an alcoholic. I had to make a list of all the ways his drinking affected us. It was mind blowing by the end of the week. So I gave him an ultimatum - me or the booze. And he picked the booze. So I moved out. Thank goodness!
When there are serious cracks or fizzures in a person's personality, integrity or make up they are not capable of a healthy relationship. The key is, are they willing to see these things and change them? Or do they blame you and make you upset and feel less worth?
I hope this helps you somehow - I do pray you go to counseling as soon as you can - and report back as you go!!
Your story reminds me of Shane and how he was so romantic and perfect at first and for a long time. Then we began to fight more often and all those were "avoidable" because of my insecurities. He has blamed me and I hope that will stop, but like you said he might just have that ingrained in him that he's right. I guess I'll find out.
~Mel~
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