kinda serious conversation wth MM

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Registered: 03-25-2002
kinda serious conversation wth MM
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Mon, 12-22-2008 - 11:27pm

wow... i'm trying not to go paranoid right now.. i've been doing so well so far.


here's thing.. last friday at a christmas party when it was time for me to leave to get my children from the sitter,

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Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 12:03am
I am sorry you had one of those all over the place talks. I know how unsettling that can be. the thing is that anyone who isnt a single mom or wasnt raised by one will never understand some of how we feel. They can try to and they SHOULD try but the challenges are ours and we understand each other more than men will understand us. All single moms struggle with trying to mesh who they are with their children with who they were before the children. We shouldnt lose ourselves and it is hard not to without juggling and the occasional lapse of judgement. If we were married and there was another parent actively involved, we wouldnt think twice about calling home and saying we were going to be late because we had had a few too many to drink. But because is it was a sitter, it looks worse. It isnt like it happens all the time and honestly, underneath this conversation you had are deeper things. Since he indicated before he wasnt sure he could handle the single mom thing and the kids, where is his head now? As he tries to reconcile his head around the fact that you are his lover and their mother he has to try to not judge a part of your life he hasnt really come fully in contact with. ON the other hand, SYB wanted to meet my son after 4-5 months because we were falling in love and he needed and wanted to understand that part of me. He had trouble imagining it with the rest of what I had shown him and I can see why he did. We had been going out to dinners, meeting up with friends, going to shows, and watching me perform in big venues. Where did I find time to be a good mother? And I bet somewhere in his head he thought to himself that if he didnt find me to be a good mom that would be a deal breaker to him because he wants kids and always has. He has actually told me that one plus to dating a single mom he had never thought of before me is that you get to see your future - you can see your future partner being a mother to a child and experience their parenting style up close and in real life situations, not pretend scenarios you talk about. So maybe MM is taking this all in and trying to put it all in perspective. As much as you have come to terms with both parts of you, he needs time to do so as he sees the worlds collide. Also, it is good he is talking to you about these things. You dont want him to stew about it and wonder when you can talk through it and honestly his concern is to me a good thing because people who truly love us and want to be there for the long haul are interesting in lifting us up, helping us help ourselves be and do better and he is pointing out something to you that BOTH of you were uncomfortable with so in this way, you agree. It is just out in the open now. Maybe that is not such a bad thing. You are on the same page that maybe you could have done better and next time you will do differently. We have all been there!
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 7:52am

One of the hardest parts of being a single mom is being judged on your mothering. I have had this happen while dating, too. It is amazing to me how many men asked me what my children were doing while we are on our date. When I say they are home alone, I get looks/reactions/questions about why no one is with them. Well, I say, they are 13 and 16! If they are capable of babysitting for other people's kids, I think they are OK to stay home for three hours.

I always want to throw it back at them and ask them who is watching THEIR kids while they are on a date...hmmm, I wonder what they would answer? Um, the single mom they used to be married to?

There is a double standard here, I think. As hard as it is, you might want to address this with MM because it's true, you can't understand it until you have been there. If your kids are happy, clothed, fed, educated, and loved you are doing your best. No one can or should question that. You made the right choice NOT driving. I think that is more admirable than taking the chance and putting your kids in harms way.

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Registered: 11-25-2007
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 11:53am

GREAT post startover - especially this:

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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Registered: 11-25-2007
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 12:06pm

citylife, I just love love your posts, you always come up with interesting, thought provoking ideas where I often am thinking "yeah, so true" etc etc.


I do agree that it is way too

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 12:21pm

Loony, this is a hard one for me to address. It is a delicate balance as a single parent. We need our own time as an adult doing the things we enjoy but first and foremost we are parents and don't have the luxuary of being irresponsible. But of course we are human and sometimes make mistakes. Chalk this up to that and move forward as lesson learned. Based on the circumstances, you made a better choice to sleep it off.

My opinion with MM (and I don't know him so take it with a grain of salt here)is he only sees the adult time Loony who likes to socialize and party. I think it is possible his struggle is his with his value system regarding parenting. (I know he doesn't have kids but he may have more rigid views on parenting because he hasn't experienced the reality) I know it may be a little soon to bring him around your kids but how often do you talk about the parenting aspect of your life? Let him hear more about that side of you so he sees the balance. He knows you are a Mom and he is still interested so let him know what all that entails. When it comes to choosing a long term partner, you need to share similar values and not just a good time. It sounds like he was trying to assess that through the conversation (although it may not have come out right) Don't be afraid of the deep conversations; you have come this far so it is time to open up.

I am rooting for you two!!

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Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 12:26pm

Loony, I'm on the fence here about this one.

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Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 1:50pm

"He said no that wasn't it but rather it was as if he was questioning my lifestyle. Part single mom, part party girl."

I think MM is looking into the future here. Yes, for a while now you've been "single" and acting the part: out at night, drinking at the bars, going to parties, karaoke, etc. Eventually though, MOST people either find a partner or tire of the night life, and become more homebody or parter and family oriented.

MM may be wondering what things will look like now that you're exclusive- are you going to be "into" the nightlife or into dating him? Will you be wanting to do family things with him at some point or continue to keep things 200% separate?

Yes, it's good to get out with friends. Yes, it's good to date and have date nights. But his concern that your party girl life interferes directly with your motherly duties is a good one- he doesn't want to feel that you're staying out because of HIM.

I know it's a bit too soon to be bringing him around the kids, but I like Savannah's idea of bringing up the kids and your motherly life more to him in conversation. At some point you should have him meet you and the kids for pizza and just give him a glimpse of your life as mom.

Winter Alison

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Registered: 11-10-2003
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 2:37pm
Nevermind...


Edited 12/23/2008 10:10 pm ET by whiteroses67
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Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 11:37pm

wow.. thank you all so much... everyone gave such very good perspectives and i'll try to address them all. again thank you all soo much..


after i asked MM if he was questioning my parenting... he said he wouldn't judge something he doesn't know... he also said, given everything i've been thru (some of the background i've shared with him) that he assumes i'm doing a really good job.... so i can relate to what you are saying City. that he just hasn't seen that side, doesn't have children of his own, and i don't talk about being a mom. I do keep it, as Al said, 200% seperate as of now.


i agree that it is a positive thing that he brought it up and it shows that he cares about me.. and is thinking longer term. After having a day to process, i feel less paranoid about the conversation. My rational side feels like he probably feels its a resolved issue.


we have another holiday party this sunday... i plan to email him my plan. I will say that i will ONLY have two drinks. And stop at 11pm. But i'll email the info as part of a normal email.. to show that i took what he said to heart, am being responsible, but i won't make it sound like he makes the rules.. kwim. i think he'll appreciate the guesture.


yes, i agree... i've been balancing the two sides to a single mom for a lot longer and he needs time to come to terms as you said. great point.


LB

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Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 11:46pm

startover96, also great point. I feel that one of my fears is being judged. That is one of my issues... and the fact that the children issue was a concern of his

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