Late AGAIN with Child Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Late AGAIN with Child Support
41
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:11am
Why do I bother to depend on him? How can I trust he will do right by his son? He gets paid on the 15th and that would be the time to write the check and send it on. Now I know it's not due til the 25th, but what's the harm in sending it with the bills they send off on the 15th? Is Dylan not worthy of getting his money early? Why should he HAVE to wait til the 25th (or after) to get what he's entitled to? Especially when XH doesn't get paid again til the 1st, so it's not like they are waiting for anything else to come in before they can send Dylan's money.

XH called this morning telling me he had to wait til the 25th to send it because he had to get a plumber out to his house. Now I understand that there are unexpected circumstances. I have them too. This month is particularly bad. But we depend on that money for Dylan and to help out with things. We have 20 bucks right now and have to buy food this weekend.

Shane is hoping he gets this bonus check today his boss keeps "forgetting" to give him, but I doubt he'll get it and he sure won't ask for it. I cried my eyes out last night because I'm almost out of gas in the car and we need to get food all on 20 bucks. I can go to his work and he can fill the car up for free, but it all depends on if he has time to leave for a few minutes to do it.

Poor Dylan has been begging for a new Gameboy game and I promised his money would be here soon and we'd get him one. He's been asking when the money would be here and I figured by this weekend at the latest I'd see it. But now I have to break his heart and tell him we can't get it. How can his father be so hard hearted?

I can't exactly tell XH that we're flat broke. He'll use that against me. But 20 dollars is not going to feed us until next Friday when we should expect the money to arrive. If Shane doesn't get his bonus today, we're not going to make it.

Shane tells me it's going to be okay. And when he says this, it always ends up being okay. He said he's not worried at all. I guess if we have to, we'll eat Ramen noodles and sandwiches. I've been there. I don't mind. It's cheap and not too bad. I love tuna fish and bread is always on sale at our market. We still have plenty of lunch meat for the boys to take in their lunches and I can get some milk and juice. I just have to be careful.

The worst part is how my mom will call can she hears the sadness in my voice and I can't tell her what's happened. They will try to get together some money for us and they can't afford it.

XH is a deadbeat. I'm so tired of depending on him to do the right thing. It's HIS son too and he acts like it's fine to make that baby wait for the things he needs. Not only does he consistently send money late, but he PROMISED he'd buy some school clothes/supplies for Dylan to help us out. He didn't. Last Winter, he promised he'd buy D a new winter coat. He didn't. Shane took him up to a very nice western store and bought him a denim Carhardt coat. Very nice coat. We weren't even living together then. It was just a thoughtful gesture from a man that loves my son. XH never even acknowledged it. He acted like it was Shane's job to do that. And that's kind of lame considering there was no promise of a future between Shane and me at that point.

I know Shane and I should be more careful with our spending and other than the pawn thing, we have been. We haven't bought anything or gone anywhere except to Ft. Worth to see our nephew be born. Oh and we got Dylan's school supplies and shoes, but those were necessary. And on sale. We paid the bills we could, we bought food, and nothing else. Dylan had a dental appointment that cost us a fortune until the insurance company pays us back and again, that was unavoidable. It's just been a rought month and this of all times is not the time to be late with the only thing that will help feed his son.

I'm done worrying. I can't take it anymore.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:49pm
I absolutely never pay my bills early. Never - UNLESS it will save me interest or money if I pay early.

The longer that money sits in MY bank, the longer I accrue interest on it (even if its just pennies) and the longer my bank account shows a high balance - thereby increasing my credit score.

Financial planners tell you write the check, put it in the envelope, but don't send it until 5 days before it's due. Ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 5:02pm
I wanted to say that I realize some of you are going to feel like I'm being harsh and selfish because I'm pointing the finger at the ex. But he knows that by the 25th, it is his responsibility to get that money here for his son. He's chosen month after month to put it off. He's late, meaning AFTER the 25th. He never calls to ask if it's okay. He calls and TELLS me or just conveniently waits until too late to get it here on time. If I were the one paying support, I'd pay it early. I'd write the check when I got paid and sent it on. The money is there, so why not just let him have what's his, right? But apparently that comment didn't go over well here. IMO, my son deserves to at least have it on time, but early would be better. Not for me, but for him. As it is, X and his lawyer set it up where he could pay thru personal check and that helps him not have to report his earnings, therefore, keeping his payments the same each month. The state has no tracking on this activity. He can be late, he can pay the same forever and nothing can be done unless I have an attorney to try to fix it and even then, it's iffy. I think his earnings need to be evaluated. I know for a fact he gets raises each year, so his pay has gone up and the child support has not. How is that fair to a little boy? Maybe I'm lucky that he at least pays. I know of several people out there with XH's that never pay, but it's still frustrating that a man who claims to love his son so much can sit there and knowingly be late and cheat his son out of raises in support each year because he's too selfish. He thinks he's just hurting me, but he's hurting Dylan. And I won't stand for it. I'm not a door mat and I hate being treated as if he's better than me. He's sitting there thinking it's funny that I can do nothing about the amount, but he and his lawyer can kiss my butt once I get my attorney on this. Once I do, it's ON!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 5:17pm
" IMO, my son deserves to at least have it on time, but early would be better. Not for me, but for him. "

The money is not for your SON, it's for YOU to help in the cost of shelter, food, clothing, medicine, dental appointments and so on. You're looking at this all wrong- it's for YOU to help, not to do with your son. It shouldn't matter to your son if his dad is not paying on time, it should matter to YOUR pocketbook when you don't have the help in raising him.

There's no way that you will ever impose your values on the man. So what if you pay the bills when the money comes in, he doesn't and probably never will work that way. He probably puts the cheque in the mail on the 25th, right? Cause to him, that's when it's due- but he doesn't take into account that the mail system takes 3-5 days. It would be nice if he could transfer the money into your account, or deposit it into your account for you- but that's unlikely to happen.

Does your state have an agency that works as a middle man? Get on the ball with your lawyers and find out what you can do. Get his chqs guarnished right out, or file for a review of his salary to update the support amount. So what if he pays by personal chq? You should have a yearly review of his salary when his taxes are filed. Child support is based on a percentage of income before taxes. If he's making more money, you deserve to be getting more support for the bills you incur having your son full time. Also, if there are extraordinary expenses, you can ask for half of that cost as well- like if your son needs braces later on.

Talk to your lawyer and find out what you need to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 5:43pm
Yeah, I feel like I deserve to have half of the costs of heavy expenses too. He feels differently. And no matter what I do, he's going to do what he pleases because I can't make him wite me a check for that if he doesn't feel like he should. I have told him that the prescriptions and likewise should be shared expense. The co-pays for doctor visits as well. He says, "I carry the insurance thru work, that's my job. The rest is up to you no matter what the cost. If it's expensive, suck it up!" He's been far less than sensitive to my needs or the needs of his son. No matter how much we can't stand one another, we should at least care enough to see that the other one is alright for Dylan's sake. I'm not asking for the moon, nor would I ever. I only want what Dylan is entitled to. Nothing more. But if X promises to buy something for him, then he should follow through. I may not buy it thinking he is going to and Dylan could end up missing out on somethng he really needs due to his father's carelessnes. I know the money goes to me and is written to me, but I always refer to it as Dylan's money because it is to help support him. It's to buy things he needs, to help pay bills that benefit him such as groceries, rent, power, etc. Not that what he sends goes very far. It doesn't.

We live two states apart, so there is no middle man in the same state. So I need to find out if I need an attorney here or there to take care of business. I do plan to pursue this so his wages are garnished. I'm not doing it to spite him. I'm doing it for Dylan. I'm tired of him mailing the money late just because he thinks it's okay. It isn't. It never will be. Dylan ends up hurting most of all because of this. He's so little ad innocent and idolizes his father. He has no idea how hes being cheated out of what he deserves. He has no idea how I am doing the best I can to be positive around him and to take the best care of him that I can.

Rough months happen. I know this and we will deal with it as it comes. I know it will be alright and we'll make it. We always have in these times. I guess I'm just more emotional because I'm pregnant. But I need to not have so much stress so I can be healthier for me and my baby. Dylan needs a healthy happy mommy too. So I'm going to just chill and let it go for now. But soon, I will be consulting an attorney when we are able to afford it better.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:51pm
Well, you are strong and you will make it through this.

You should begin looking through your state (and his state) about child support issues. I live in BC, Canada, and here we have rules for the minimum amounts and guidelines when asking for *extraordinary expenses*. For example, minimum support is 8% of gross income, and if I wanted to claim for child care expense- I could only ask for half of what I would pay AFTER the amount of tax deduction claim was removed- so say 500/ month for daycare- tax deduct of 200= 300/2= 150.

I really hope that there are guidelines to follow in his state, since it's more likely that the judge will award on HIS state rules. Just make sure that you fight for a yearly review of his income to determine the amount of support.

Also, you mentioned he has insurance, is that health/ dental and is Dylan named on it? If you do not have health/ dental benefits and he does, then you should petition that he MUST put Dylan on his plan. And he should be paying for half of anything that isn't covered, because HE'S THE FATHER! You need to get these things in writing and ordered by a judge. Too bad so sad for him, YOU have another child on the way and need help insuring your first is fully cared for.

On another note, how's the pregnancy going?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:27pm
Mel,

I just want to clarify that I wasn't implying that you should tell your ex about your financial situation (you are right it's none of his business), what I was trying to say, is that if he doesn't know, than you can't assume he is being cold hearted about your situation.

I'm not clear on whether you have tried telling him that you would like the money sooner? Has he resisted? Maybe you could ask him if he would be willing to have it directly deposited into your acct? His employer may be able to do this. It saves him from having to write a check and a stamp, and you from having to wait for the check to arrive and make a trip to the bank. If you can't get him to agree to pay it sooner, than you might try adjusting your financial cycle to be in time with the arrival of the check at the end of the month, just like you would if it was a paycheck.

It's good that you're consulting an attorney about your child support set up. He or she will be much more knowledgeable about you and your child's rights and how to get what you are entitled to.

Good luck with all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 9:36pm
Dylan is on his insurance. He thinks that because he covers Dylan that he is not responsible for anything extra that might come up. I've asked him to help. He refuses.

On the positive note, pregnancy is going great. No morning sickness, nothing more than being a bit tired. I'm catching Shane's cold, though, so I'll fight thru that and be better in a few days. Oh and he brought home money and will get more Monday or tomorrow. So we're going to be fine.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:20pm
Mel,

I think you should ask for your ex's cooperation before going to the attorney - but present in a positive win-win solution-oriented manner.

I agree with orange clouds on this one:

"I'm not clear on whether you have tried telling him that you would like the money sooner? Has he resisted? Maybe you could ask him if he would be willing to have it directly deposited into your acct? His employer may be able to do this. It saves him from having to write a check and a stamp, and you from having to wait for the check to arrive and make a trip to the bank."

Sometimes it is better to try the easy way first. I read your last post and am glad that you got a little money to get through the weekend.

Get lots of rest for your baby!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:48pm
you should go though a department of human services. i live in new hampshire my x lives okla. his state has the money ganished from his paycheck then it gets sent to my state then to me. dhs can help you get a new child support order for free. that's what they do in new hampshire you should check it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 9:48am
I have asked him before to fill out an automatic withdrawal form so it would be drafted to me, but he's basically found any excuse not to. I know it's because he is afraid his income will be known and they will draw out more than he has been sending. They may even withdraw enough over a span of months to back pay me for the time he should have been paying more after raises, etc. Let's face it, he gets raises each year. This was made clear when he went to work there. SO if he gets a raise, so should Dylan. He was scared to death when I went through legal measures to have the child support case brought to Texas. They were going to draft all kinds of money from him and he was pleading with me to leave things as is because his employer would fire him if he found out what was happening. Yeah, he knows I know he gets raises and it will all catch up to him sooner or later and when it does, he will owe. I'm not trying to be mean. I really don't want him to be in trouble. I just want him to see that what he's doing is wrong. Pay it on time and pay the right amount the right way. I think in the case of child support, it should ALWAYS go through the state so they can monitor it and keep up with the income of the person paying it out. It's just what's right. I mean if his income lowered for any reason, he'd be going for a lower amount, right? You bet! The right way to handle things is to report the raise and be honest and say, Melissa, I got a raise and I'm going to make sure Dylan gets more money. Even if it's just a few dollars. But 2 years and counting, and he's done no such thing.

He never will. So it's up to me to make it happen, and I will.

Mel

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