Late AGAIN with Child Support
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| Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:11am |
XH called this morning telling me he had to wait til the 25th to send it because he had to get a plumber out to his house. Now I understand that there are unexpected circumstances. I have them too. This month is particularly bad. But we depend on that money for Dylan and to help out with things. We have 20 bucks right now and have to buy food this weekend.
Shane is hoping he gets this bonus check today his boss keeps "forgetting" to give him, but I doubt he'll get it and he sure won't ask for it. I cried my eyes out last night because I'm almost out of gas in the car and we need to get food all on 20 bucks. I can go to his work and he can fill the car up for free, but it all depends on if he has time to leave for a few minutes to do it.
Poor Dylan has been begging for a new Gameboy game and I promised his money would be here soon and we'd get him one. He's been asking when the money would be here and I figured by this weekend at the latest I'd see it. But now I have to break his heart and tell him we can't get it. How can his father be so hard hearted?
I can't exactly tell XH that we're flat broke. He'll use that against me. But 20 dollars is not going to feed us until next Friday when we should expect the money to arrive. If Shane doesn't get his bonus today, we're not going to make it.
Shane tells me it's going to be okay. And when he says this, it always ends up being okay. He said he's not worried at all. I guess if we have to, we'll eat Ramen noodles and sandwiches. I've been there. I don't mind. It's cheap and not too bad. I love tuna fish and bread is always on sale at our market. We still have plenty of lunch meat for the boys to take in their lunches and I can get some milk and juice. I just have to be careful.
The worst part is how my mom will call can she hears the sadness in my voice and I can't tell her what's happened. They will try to get together some money for us and they can't afford it.
XH is a deadbeat. I'm so tired of depending on him to do the right thing. It's HIS son too and he acts like it's fine to make that baby wait for the things he needs. Not only does he consistently send money late, but he PROMISED he'd buy some school clothes/supplies for Dylan to help us out. He didn't. Last Winter, he promised he'd buy D a new winter coat. He didn't. Shane took him up to a very nice western store and bought him a denim Carhardt coat. Very nice coat. We weren't even living together then. It was just a thoughtful gesture from a man that loves my son. XH never even acknowledged it. He acted like it was Shane's job to do that. And that's kind of lame considering there was no promise of a future between Shane and me at that point.
I know Shane and I should be more careful with our spending and other than the pawn thing, we have been. We haven't bought anything or gone anywhere except to Ft. Worth to see our nephew be born. Oh and we got Dylan's school supplies and shoes, but those were necessary. And on sale. We paid the bills we could, we bought food, and nothing else. Dylan had a dental appointment that cost us a fortune until the insurance company pays us back and again, that was unavoidable. It's just been a rought month and this of all times is not the time to be late with the only thing that will help feed his son.
I'm done worrying. I can't take it anymore.
Mel

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And I personally don't consider a cell phone a luxury (I know others do). I consider it a necessity - and I DEFINITELY considered it a necessity when I was pregnant and driving in the heat of the day - especially if you have to drive Dylan to visit his dad far away. And the world is a different place. 10 years ago, if I got a flat tire, I would think nothing of hopping out of my truck and changing it. Now, I lock my doors, sit in my truck, and call someone to come help out. And we shut off our home phone. No reason to have it with us both having cell phones in constant use.
It sucks that Scott is all talk and no action - and it sucks that he gets pissy (can I say that?) about this situation. There is no easy solution - but he should be paying the correct amount of child support, on time, every month, and 50% of any medical/dental/vision expenses not covered. I think my ex is so super generous with our son because he was used as a pawn in his own parents' marriage - and he resents that so much. He'll never put our son in that position.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
FYI: my parenting plan and child support documents (in WA state) break everything down by a ratio of income. Ex made 56% of our combined household income and I 44%. Therefore, all extraordinary expenses, such as uncovered medical procedures or braces, etc...he is legally expected to pay 56% of...not that I actually ever make him do it, but if I needed to, it's right there in official court documented writing. In WA child support is re-assessed every 2 years.
Check your documents carefully Mel, these provisions may already be in there.
Good luck!
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I think you have to work harder to set boundaries and negotiate on a win-win basis with him. It is difficult to do at first but has big payoffs in the end. I have had to do this constantly with my ex and we are doing a little better at communicating because of this.
In your case of him wanting to go late you have to stand up to him and say "I can be there as late as XX:XX (time) but not after that." If he can't be there at the time you want, you have to respect that decision, but then maybe you can go early the next day. You have to keep going back and forth until you have something that works for both of you.
I find the simple statement, "that doesn't work for me" says it all. But then I offer a solution - "how about.... does that work for you?"
For example, my ex wanted ME to pack a suitcase for our DS to go on a 3 week vacation to see his family this summer. I have done this the past few years but this year I decided to put my foot down and say no. Every time the clothes come back really crumpled and stained and I have a big mess. So I explained I am happy to lend a few clothing items to him but they have to come back laundered and folded. At first he said he can't have them all perfect. I explained I don't want them "perfect," I want them washed and folded and not stained. I also said that he could work on that the week they get back - I can be flexible with the time.
Guess what? The clothes came back here within 3 days of their return and they were laundered and folded. I thanked him and now we have this worked out for the next time they go away.
This sounds like I am being petty over something simple but good clothes are not cheap and when you get a whole suitcase full of items with unremovable stains it is very frustrating.
I have found that my ex will not ever see things my way unless I take the time to educate him. He was always very selfish in our marriage and I know he is not going to change this now that we are divorced. I try to listen to his points and respect them even though they are not what I would do. He is not me. BUT I do protect myself and I do not do anything that "doesn't work for me."
Sometimes we have to wait a few days to think of a resolution for something. But now we pretty much respect each other and it is better.
I hope this helps.
Edited 8/24/2004 6:09 am ET ET by west1745
I wish my X would cooperate a little more too, but he just sees what he does as what he should be doing. Well, you know, he's a good daddy and all. He loves Dylan a lot, but the bare minimum is not enough. If you did that on the job, your boss would be asking why. Why do the bare minimum with your kids? But so many do. I know I'm at least lucky to get support at all (I know a few friends that don't), Scott's brother quits jobs and moves away to avoid paying. But that's just the required stuff he's ordered by law to do. And you hit the nail on the head when you said he's all talk.
You seem to have a great arrangement with your ex. Lucky you. You both negotiate what you will do for your child and split it evenly. I think that's great. I wish my ex would help me more. I love Shane and how he has just taken Dylan under his wing as his own son and done so much and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but he's not Dylan's father. Scott is and his father needs to claim more responsibility for his son's well-being. Even disciplinary issues are a fight. Dylan is so well-behaved here, but he goes there and all H*** breaks loose. They sent him home early because he was misbehaving and wanted to force me to send him to counseling. Dylan has been an angel here. He minds, he goes to bed when we tell him to, he picks up his toys when we tell him, he does chores. He's been so great and he's doing awesome in school. There have been no problems other than the normal pouting a child does sometimes. He never causes trouble here. I think things are not totally right over there if he's acting out. Maybe Scott isn't paying enough attention to Dylan. We play with him all the time and we read with him, and interact with him as if he's on our level. If he pronounces a word incorrectly, we teach him the right way. We teach him math, and how to tie his shoes. He cuts his own food up here. We've taught him to be more independent, but still to be a little boy. I know Scott doesn't do that. He just does it all for him to avoid the work it takes to teach him something. Heck, an ex BF of mine, Zac, taught D to stand up and pee. Not like I could do it and Scott was content with letting him sit. I mean, really, it might take a minute of hi time to go in there and show him the right way. SHEESH!
I hope it all turns out well in the end. I know I'll have a fight, so I do intend to wait this out until the baby is here. It's healthier for me. But once my baby is born, I'm confronting the issue.
Thanks!
Mel
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I was naive when I got divorced and had no idea that if I got an attorney that Scott would have to pay for it because he filed for divorce. No one told me this until AFTER the fact. So I had no one to tell me I was being screwed over. I was made to think that I was getting such a good deal. I got almost everything in the house, I got Dylan, and there was no way he could take him from me. His support was to be paid monthly and I had no idea that it shuld go thru the state. I also had no idea that I could fight the fact that the support agreement took place in Mississippi because we lived in Texas over 90 days when it was filed. I could have filed for jurisdiction in Texas so Dylan could get better benefits and Scott would have to comply. All of this told to me AFTER the fact.
Boy, don't I wish I knew more then!!
Mel
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I don't think it's petty at all to ask for clothes to come back in good condition. You bought them. You want them clean. My XMIL sends D's clothes back in a Wal-Mart sack wadded up and dirty. Even wet sometimes. She refuses to wash them no matter what. I've had a wet swimsuit in a bad before with other clothes and the smell was horrific! I normally don't send things with Dylan when he visits Scott. He has clothes there for him. I send his Gameboy, but Scott bought it for him. SO it's okay if he takes it there. His step brothers have them too. But I did send a few things of his to his summer vacation with his father. I sent his new sandals and his new swimsuit. I never got them back. Probably never will. He mentions that he needs to get them back to me, but he conveniently forgets. I can't expect more from him. His famous three words during our marriage WEREN'T "I love you", they were, "Oh I forgot".
LOL!
Hugs!
Mel
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His dad is a good father, but not the most reliable/ responsible person. When I agreed for Nicolas to go up to visit, it was on the condition that he was actually going to be staying at his grandparent's house, not his dad's.
Alison
Mel, I am sorry you're feeling soooo frustrated. I didn't read the rest of the thread yet, but just a few words of encoragement. A little perspective, you might say.
Scott is NOT a deadbeat. If you're getting paid most months, you are luckier than probably 75% of mom's in your shoes. And Scott takes his visitation almost always giving you downtime and making Dylan feel like his dad gives a rat's ass about him.
My ds didn't get either of those things.
Do your best to cheer up before you talk to your mom. You do NOT need her knowing details of your financial situation, unless of course she is in the position to help and you and Shane are in agreement that she know about it. It's going to be very important for you to learn how to keep some of your family stuff between you and S, and for your mom to not know. Big thing to learn. I know it's hard, but I know you'll make it through!
If you're tired of worrying, then just don't anymore. I know that sounds really simplistic, but it really is within your power to not respond with worry.
Hugs!
Financial planners tell you write the check, put it in the envelope, but don't send it until 5 days before it's due. Ever.
That is what I do with online bill pay. That is how I schedule my payments. I get them in the mail, schedule them the next day but they don't get their money till it'd due. I never never pay early. Never.
This is true. Because I THINK (I know this was true in my situation) that he is NEVER responsible by the law to report raises. If you know of one, or suspect one, you can at any time you want file a motion to change support. He can file the same as well, any time he wants to. The courts do not monitor raises.
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