LDR, IR and teenage daughter
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| Thu, 11-04-2004 - 2:49pm |
this is the first time I have ever posted to any message board and hopefully you can help me out.
I have a 15 year old daughter and a 10 year old daughter. Their father and I have been separated for about 3 years (did the on and off for a while) but have been off since November of 2003.
I have not dated many people since our relationship ended and have only introduced my daughters to one other individual who they really liked. Things did not work out between us though.
I am currently seeing someone...it is an interracial relation (I'm black, he's white) as well as a long distance relationship. I have been going to visit him at least once a month for the last 3 months (staying 3-4 days). I have not told my kids the nature of our relationship (I explained in simply language to my 10 year old), but I think it's time to let them know. We are quite serious (although we have only been dating for 4 months, we have know each other for almost 5 years) and have talked about marriage and me and my girls moving to be with him.
The issue is my older daughter. Everytime I mention to my daughter that I'm going to visit my bf, she gets sarcastic and will say things like "again, didn't you just visit him." I want to sit her down and explain to her the nature of our relationship but I don't want to freak her out because of the long distance aspect.
I also don't know why she's sarcastic about the whole thing - I'm not sure if it's because he's white, which would be wierd because she has a lot of friends who are white (guys and girls).
Both my kids met him briefly when we were visiting my sister (he came to pick me up. I'm planning on taking them with me during the Christmas holidays when I go to visit.
When I'm at home, I am with my kids for almost the entire weekend every weekend but yet I feel guilty about leaving them and going away one weekend per month. I really love this guy and want things to work between us, but I don't want to make my kids unhappy.
Maybe someone can help me understand 2 things:
- how should I tell my daughters about this relationship and what should I tell them (mostly concerned with my 15 year old)
- how do I stop feeling guilty about leaving my kids for a weekend and enjoying my life.
Thanks for your help,
Karen

Welcome to our board. You picked a good one and I'm sure you'll get some good advice. I am not quite sure I am qualified to give it though. My daughter is only 8, so I'm not wise with the teenage years yet.
What my insight tells me though is that
1) your kids might be struggling with the on again/off again nature of the relationship with your ex. It has only been a year since you've been completely off and they may be holding out for a reunion. They may be in denial. If this is the case, it is very important that you clearly communicate with them about the status of your relationship with their father and that even though you will not ever get back together, that you both still love them very much and it has nothing to do with them.
2) Sometimes sarcasm is a way of expressing feelings of anger or betrayal. A child may be thinking "If they loved me, they wouldn't do this to me."
Typical teenagers are sensitive to the need to be consulted, informed and listened to. I would try just talking to her, encourage her to share her feelings and listen to her. Reassure her where she needs it, but maintain the adult/child relationship.
I think you'll stop feeling guilty about leaving them when they start being more understanding of your relationship. However, keep in mind, you may have known this man for a long time, but from your kids point of view, you have only been seeing this guy for 4 months and he is subtracting from your time with them significantly. When you are with him, you are not with them. Try to take things slow if you can and give them time to get used to the idea.
I agree with the second poster and have only a few things to add:
1) You have to finish the matter/divorce with their father so everyone has closure.
2) In my opinion you should have more time to just let the dust settle with your kids. I believe you have guilt because you have not gone through this important step for you and your family.
3) Could you really be okay with moving your kids to somewhere else for a man you have only been dating for 4 months? Maybe they sense that and their world is already rocked to the core with the break up of their parents never mind with this idea. I know you have known him for 5 years but you have not dated him that long. I believe the IR and the LDR make it risky, especially if you have not had the time on your own.
Your kids are only going to be teenagers once and I remember the famous saying of Jackie O, "If you fail your children then nothing else really matters."
Hope this helps somehow. Please keep us posted. And spend time TALKING to your girls to find out how they really feel about all of this. Make sure you tell them it isn't their fault.
To complicate matters, each man has a 'honeymoon' period too. So, he might be completely into you and then suddenly he's not. He's reached his own crossroad and he has decided to bolt.
Your kids sense that something is about to change and they haven't recovered from the divorce. If you moved to be with this guy at some point, would you take your daughters with you or would you have a LDR with them? If this guy was really serious about you, I'd think he would be willing to move where you are. That's kind of a manly thing to do.
Balancing kids and dating is difficult. I struggle with it too. I wish you the best.
Tricia
My first immediate thought was pretty much what everyone is telling you. The on and off again thing with your ex probably has your dd's confused. And they may still hold out hope that you guys are getting back together. I think before you move forward with they new guy, you need to end it once and for all with the ex and get divorced. Talk to your dd's about this and let them know of your decision. Let them have time to express themselves about this. This is a big change no matter how long you've been separated. You've let this be uncertain and I think that is the core problem.
Once they have had some time to adjust to that big change, then talk to them about your bf and his role in your life. Let them get used to him being around and then you can worry about moving forward with your relationship. I seriously doubt it's an racial thing that's got your 15 year old upset.
I have to say, the way things have happened, there is a huge chance they are going to resent your bf and think he ahs something to do with the divorce. this is why I think it's crucial you back burner that relationship and let them get used to the divorce. You don't have to totally end it, just back off a little and don't make them a part of it yet.
Hugs
Tara
Hi Karen, welcome. :)
I agree with what the others have already said.
FYI - I was never married to the father of my children so there is no divource to think about. I also had been seeing someone else for a short while, and my kids really liked him and took to him, so I'm not sure they have a problem with me dating anyone.
It's so difficult to deal with all this. I love my kids more than anything and anyone else and I want them to be happy. I would never do anything that I think would harm them.
I am certainly not thinking about moving anytime soon to be with my bf. I would be at least 1-1.5 years, maybe more.
The question was raised about why he could not move to where we are. He has a successful business and it would not be feasible to move because of that.
It will all work out eventually, hopefully.
Thanks again everyone.
Karen