Let it Roll, Baby, Roll....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Let it Roll, Baby, Roll....
5
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 4:01pm

Let it Roll, Baby, Roll....

So, here's a question for everyone- when you've been contacting a person, say IM or email, phone, whatever... and maybe even gone on a date or two, and you realize this isn't exactly what you're looking for, what do you do?

Do you just stop initiating contact, and if he contacts you, do you keep it brief and hope he gets the point?

Do you tell him it isn't working out, and wish him well?

Do you avoid him like the plague?

Do you try again one more time just to make sure?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 4:37pm

For me, if it's someone who's "winked" at me and I don't find him a good prospect to pursue, I won't respond back at all. "Delete" works really well when there's no need for closure!

If it's someone we've had some emailing between, but no IRL or phone contact, I will simply say in email that I don't think it will work out. I do kind of precipitate that with shorter emails (yes, I am capable of short writings- lol for those who know me) so when I do cut things off, it's never a total surprise. I tend to write less and not as often, and not as immediately, not asking any questions about him... and most men DO get the hint. It's like knowing if a man is "into you" or not. If he is, he won't let a week go by before emailing back. It's the same if a woman is "into" a man- she won't wait a week to email back, either. If they're into you, they'll want to ask questions and find out all about you. If they don't... then they're not that interested.

If it's someone I went out with once & I'm SURE I don't want to see him again, when he calls again, I will tell him no and again, go with the "I don't think it'll work out" or "I don't feel we're a good match for each other" kind of thing.

If it's someone I went out with once but I'm not sure if I want to see him again or not, I might go out one more time (making sure it's not to any activity that's romantic) just to be sure. But I would FOR SURE not lead him on by touching him or kissing him until I felt that I wanted to date him more. Same goes for kissing on a first date... it just doesn't happen because I don't know him well enough yet. I'd rather a first date be completely "for friends only" and not anything supposedly romantic.

Do you avoid him like the plague?

I haven't had to deal with this that much- most of the time the men get the hint and move on. For those who don't... I do tend to not answer the phone or not reply to the emails. It usually doesn't take very long for the no-response routine to get the message across.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 5:26pm

It depends on the history/level of communication.

I just had to do this - read the last post to my update.

If we have just been emailing, I stop. But if there have been calls or dates I will email and say I am not interested. I usually give a cop out reason so I don't insult the guy - for one I don't want to hurt his feelings and for two I am a single mom and don't want to worry about safety. The point is that it won't work for me and you just need a fast and courteous exit. No drama. Safety first.

Eharmony lets you close communication at any time and the canned reason I always use is that I have too much going on in my life at this time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 8:30pm

I actually did read your post, which prompted my question, sort of. I'm also wondering, as I start semi-connecting with more men through OLD and even (gasp) IRL, how to ease out of things as I realize the connection isn't there.

I don't neccessarily want to do that with any ONE guy yet, but it's good info to have, and I wonder if everyone has a consensus, and you all just back off, or tell them politely, and that's enough, or what.

Thanks a bunch, can't wait to read what everyone else does!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:55pm

I would back off (they call this ghosting) and if they persist or you have really gotten to know them then tell them something to let them know they have no further opportunity.

Some believe you should always be honest. But I believe you should be effective - make your wishes not to see them known AND keep yourself safe.

I don't trust the potential rage that some male egos have displayed to me in the past and when you don't know someone too well and you are a single mom - well you get the picture. I do believe in the little white lie in an instance like this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 12:21am

I am dating a guy who I don't find romantic in any way, shape, or form. I will post the date details soon, I am just too tired tonight.

I don't want to just ignore him completely, but at the same time, I don't want to lead him on. I feel like I am walking on a tightrope.

Luckily, out of his own fear, disinterest in me as well, or whatever, he has not tried ANYTHING physical. So I haven't had to dodge this bullet yet.

But yes, I agree with Judy. I told 2 guys that freaked me with their obsessiveness and too much too soon too fast that an old flame suddenly reappeared in my life and I would be emotionally unavailable to date and that I didn't think it was fair to them and I was sorry, and unique things that were TRUE that I liked about them each. (Luckily, I was only emailing with them.) Men can be possessive jealous idiots sometimes and I have a paranoia of strangers to begin with, so I'm also "safety first."

good night!
--snow