Life after the serious comment..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Life after the serious comment..
24
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 2:13am

Thanks all for all your great advice on my last post. I thought I will give my updates now.


With all the things I learnt from the board.. I made it a point to not give in to Biker untill he apologises totally or makes me feel better.


We did meet at work on wednesday and thursday and I was friendly but I didnt call him in the night ( totally not like me) and surprise surprise he didnt call either. I felt that he doesnt care at all.. and was even more angry and I told one of my GF about it and she said dont sit and wait go and date and she asked a friend of hers (whom she thinks will be good match for me ) if he would like to meet me and okay this guy started e-mailing me ..Just only very friendly emails.


Now my silly Biker is

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 9:08am

I do not think you should be mad at Biker or dating other people. What you need will take time. You need to give him time to move to his new place and figure out what he wants - it is his life and he has to figure that out. So far he has been nice to you. But do not move until he is ready to commit and you get a ring - you stay put living in your place and do not stay with him every night - maybe your own place on work nights.

In the mean time you can appease his request for more deep conversation - since that seems to be simple. And you can work on helping him have the right touch for you since that is important to both of you. I don't think you can just throw everything away based on what you have said here. But I do think you can wait and see how things go until the summer. Be upfront with your feelings - be honest - and listen to his request for what he needs. It is GOOD that he told you how he felt - he has a right to his feelings and to wanting more. He is getting a place so you can be more comfortable. So just chill and be patient. Just my .02 for what I would do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 10:06am

Hi Judy,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 10:35am
Okay - sounds like a great plan - good luck and keep us posted. Focus on work and that will help you not be there too much. That you need to sleep well and get ready at your own place.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 9:27am

You shouldn't be dating anyone. It's not real anyway. All you feel or felt was revenge. After all the time you have spent together and also talking about marrying Biker, I can't believe you would even consider just seeing another guy for coffee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2007
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 10:34am

<<Just one day after few days of separation is not good enough to know anything.>>


I am glad you said the above statment. you will be okay but I think that a very important thing to remember is the statement you made. See with me it is so hard to get our minds beyond the physical & pay more attentin to reality. They always will tell you what they think we want to hear like him telling you that it is okay if you see other people but don't be fooled if he knew you were seeing someone else it would change his view on the situation. HE says that b/c he does not want to come off as controlling or in the way he was b4 you all had your issues but any man who loves a woman & has just signed a lease with her does not want another man i his mix-dating or any other way.


The important thing is that you step back & look at the situation over the course of about 2-3 weeks. If in 2-3 weeks he is the same person he was the other day and not falling back in to the person that made you say well maybe you need to move around then cool-go forward with it & best of luck. From my experience(not saying your will be like mine) A man will tell you what you want to hear even if they really mean it when they say it but in the next weeks to come a person can only be fake for so long b4 the real comes bursting out b4 they even realize it. I know it is hard to say no to someone who makes you melt at the sight of them but for your own heart & protection you need to just be watchfull of his ways, actions, and things he says.


Look a person can tell you all day long he loves you, you are #1, you are so special to them, etc blah blah blah the singer Keisha Cole said it best when she said its not where he is at its where he wants to be. Just be careful b/c you could be going all off what he is saying to you instead of the truth he is showing you. you need to protect your self b/c even more so when you are not married its every man/woman for themselves. Take good care of your personal feelings b/c its not his job to do so for you he is only accountable for making himself happy at this point-thats why you are too. I hope it all works out for you two. If you feel that this other guy might be what you are looking for then look into it. you never know it may be God's way of giving you a way out of a situation that are about to embark on. Listen & be watchful I say these things b/c its alot easier to see the picture from the outside looking in b/c we/I am not googly over him & we all know that can cloud our normal judgement. Also put yourself in a position to think if this situation was happening to a good friend of yours who came to you for advice-what would you tell her/him? Good Luck

Gabriall-Special People; Special Jobs
Gabriall-Special People; Special Jobs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 12:38pm

I agree with West 100 percent. She nailed it....


Dance, you've been through the ringer with your emotions lately. But so had Biker, it's obvious. I would respect him for the way he has been trying to communicate with you. It's clear he doesn't want to lose you and it's clear you love each other. It's wise to think thing through, and take time. But the casual dates with outhers can only be harmful right now. Think of the shoe on the other foot. If he decides to see other women, even casually, at this point in your relationship, how are you going to feel?


Take it easy and try to acknowlede how hard he does try (in his own language!)

~Pacific~
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 4:26pm

I go by the view that one cannot *make* another feel bad for that places me as a victim and the other has the power to control my emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 6:59am

It seems like suddenly we are having a great communication.. He has changed the way he react to many things I say or do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 8:17am
This last post worries me a bit. And I know you have been through a lot lately. I am worried for you now though. I know you want to move things forward with him and your clock is ticking but that is now sticking out more to me than you truly loving him. Please dont take offense but it seems like you might be more focused on how much he is crazy about you than whether or not he is the best person for you. Someone can love you very truly but they might not be the right person for you IMO. I am not saying that Biker isnt the right person for you -he might be - none of us on here could know this. But I really hope for your sake that you will think more about how YOU feel about him. It seems clear you love how he makes you feel. But this is infatuation and although important it isnt love. It could turn into it certainly but craving his touch and feeling as you have been in the past few days isnt about love, it is just part of the journey of knowing who he is to you or who he could be. I dont know whether this is making any sense but as weird as this may seem, I have had bfs in the past who have loved me as much or possibly more ( I dont really know of course) as the current one - or maybe they were more demonstrative in ways I understand faster. But the one I am with now has my heart and my respect and brings light in any room for me. He treats everyone around us better than anyone I have ever known and I respect and admire him at the same time as I want to get naked in the midday with him. Just dont become overly focused on how he feels. Think about how you feel. And realize that there will be circumstances when you wont be able to feel how he feels about you, you will have to survive on what you feel. Either one of you could get sick or someone close to you could and then the focus shifts. Just be careful.
Also JMHO, but I think furniture shopping/decorating, meeting friends, buying baby animals, or impromptu vacations are what my friends and I call relationship extenders. They are temporary and wonderful but they might as well pump oxygen all around us in furniture stores and decorating places. (unless you hate that type of thing) I dont think guys do this on purpose but you need to focus on how the two of you and how YOU feel day to day.
I really do wish you the best of luck in all of this....
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 4:04pm

I very much agree to this post. Especially, since I have often found myself doing the same thing. Mixing up love with infatuation.


Be careful of what you might really be doing.... You seem to have had an extreme flip flopping mode. Something I'm often in danger of doing with someone I "think"

Pages