Life after the serious comment..
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Life after the serious comment..
| Sun, 01-20-2008 - 2:13am |
Thanks all for all your great advice on my last post. I thought I will give my updates now.
With all the things I learnt from the board.. I made it a point to not give in to Biker untill he apologises totally or makes me feel better.
We did meet at work on wednesday and thursday and I was friendly but I didnt call him in the night ( totally not like me) and surprise surprise he didnt call either. I felt that he doesnt care at all.. and was even more angry and I told one of my GF about it and she said dont sit and wait go and date and she asked a friend of hers (whom she thinks will be good match for me ) if he would like to meet me and okay this guy started e-mailing me ..Just only very friendly emails.
Now my silly Biker is

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Thanks to everyone.
I have been thinking about what citylife pointed out.
And now I was reading this new thread that Pacific started about how she met BlueEyes. I was thinking if I have the same enthusiasm to talk about Biker. I am afraid I feel No..
I really really like Biker so much but now after all these events and more thinking I am really doubting if I am IN LOVE with him..or is it that we are like good friends who are also physically attracted?
I feel like a lousy person suddenly. I feel that if I didnt actually love hism that much ..now I will have to hurt him..I care fo him so much that I dont want to hurt him. But I dont feel confident that we would spend the rest of our lives together.
One thing that bothers me is that I havent really dated anyone as in "dating" or had enough time for myself. I was worried about the clock..and still am..But I dont want to make a mistake. But I just feel I cant be sure about Biker as of now. He is a great guy ..But..Heck I think with this overanalsing I will end up being alone.
May
You have so much support from this direction. Stay strong. You are doing great and you will figure this out. Just dont rush the thought process or react too quickly. Breathe and let your mind and heart guide you through this. If you overanalyze the way I do sometimes, you may be blocking what is your answer to all of this from coming to you naturally.
Thanks a lot. Everytime I think about a guy I try to imagine what kind of a father he would be.. Would he be playful, responsible? a good role model? I know exactly what you are talking about "owing it to the future kid to give a good dad".
I am taking a pause. thinking about everything on my own. I talk to Biker at work. I talk to him a
Again, I don't think I could say it any better then citylife. I know that if I had the chance to do it all over again, that I wish I had better fathers for my girls, but not different girls.
And believe me, I have been divorced, but still feel that clock ticking being alone at 36 and knowing I've been divorced 7 years and the longest relationship I had was 8 months and the next one 6 months and after that
Oh Dance... ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I've been reading along but haven't posted. Partially because someone has already said things I would've said anyway.
But man... this is a tough one! And I don't think it's bad to analyze the situation. If you have any doubts, then that doesn't mean "go break up with him"... but it just means "go slow with him". Don't make any huge decisions until you're more sure. Don't let him pressure you into rushing it, if you're not sure!
I'm a big believer of thinking that if a relationship is meant to work out, it will still work out if things move slowly. If you truly want to spend your whole life together, then you have all that time to create the relationship together. What is the rush?
I know- clock's ticking. Sucks on the clock!!! But I get that. And ((((((hugs))))))) about that, because it's not something you can just ignore. But think about it, too- would you want to get into a relationship just to have a baby (because you don't want to miss that clock)- and then have it fall apart because you really did know it wasn't going to work? If you really have doubts, then please- don't let the ticking clock pressure you.
Examine yourself. Take your time... and know if your decisions are being true to YOU or not. Don't stay with him if you don't think you really love HIM, but want that relationship-with-the-baby-in-the-future more than wanting HIM. Don't stay with him just so you won't be "the bad guy" and have to hurt someone. Doing any of that, won't be fair to him (or you). Don't stay with him just so you won't be alone- because nothing sucks more than being IN a relationship that leaves you feeling alone anyway.
And hopefully, he is wanting to be with you, because of YOU, not because he is just wanting to share an apartment with a girlfriend. If you're not sure of his feelings, or not sure of yours... then that is reason enough to stop this train- and either get
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I think you are just under a lot of pressure to worry if he is perfect, especially now that he is moving.
Stop worrying. Have fun with him and see how it goes.
There is no perfect husband or dad - just as there is no perfect wife or mom. We all do the best we can. You have to see if he is "into you" and loves you for you - and you love him for him and do not want to change anything major. Chances are, if he has a job and pays the bills and is stable in life he will be a great dad.
Everyone who is stable is a great parent to their own children.
Maybe it is my own experiences clouding my opinions on this one but I am glad she is thinking further and I think she is on the right track for now. Being under some pressure as she makes this decision should come with the territory IMHO.
Dance-
You are wise, very wise to catch yourself wondering if you are in fact "in love". There is a difference between loving someone and being in love as you already know. And boy did I learn that..the hardest way.
Just a tiny bit of background here so you can see why I know this first hand. 13 years ago I got married- to my best friend. He was and is still very, very kind. He is funny and light hearted and he is an incredibly wonderful dad. But, I went against my gut. My gut told me that I was not head over heels for him. But I ignored that. I wanted to be physically into him, you know- the magic. It was never there to the level it should have been- but I was so much wanting a family, a companion. I sacrificed that magic feeling.
Years into my marriage things fell apart and I know why. When real issues came up, serious ones that every couple will face- like money, jobs, moving, parenting- all the big issues...when those issues came up and when my opinions differed with his, it was the lack of deep connection and desire to be with him that kept us from bonding over these issues. Instead of working through them, I never felt "in love" enough to want to go through all the pain and sacrifice that you do when you really have a foundation and really want it to work.
So what I am saying is that when I have read you posts I have seen a little bit of how I was feeling before I married my Ex.
Hey Girl....
I agree with you that Dance is probably worried because of the move and all. But if her gut says slow down because she is not sure about Biker, it could be more than moving nerves.. I agree with relax and have fun. I only caution her to listen to that inner voice.
Hehe...I got a little chuckle out of this-
Stop worrying. Have fun with him and see how it goes.
There is no perfect husband or dad -
This after you are so very selective and tossed 200 guys off eHarmony right off the bat! Rightfully so!! I have always agreed with and respected (and actually admired) how you don't sacrifice what you need and you are able to weed out the ones..why waste time on the others. But also what you said here is true...everyone has faults, no one is pefect.
One of my best friends wrote this to me the other day and
I like the love has to be stronger than the crappy issues concept. Certainly was true in my marriage. Yes, I was nuts about Psychoboy for a long time, but there's only so much one can take of the selfishness, that I thought, naively, he'd "outgrow". And of course, the cheating just did me in. If he loved me, he would not be cheating, so time to move on. But I don't think one can maintain that infatuation stage of heady in love feelings for a long time. There has to be that deeper friendship, the mutual caring, handling adversity together with compromise.
My single mom gal pals who went to the Masked Ball asked about M and I, the whole "when do we get the wedding invitation?" thing. It was obvious to them that we are committed to one another, but they also understood my reluctance to give up my independence and the not wanting to do the blended family thing. I really don't expect to feel the same way about M that I did about Psychoboy. I'm not a love sick teenager anymore, I want different things in a relationship now. I know the whole perfect marriage, happily ever after in bliss is a myth. Both people have to be grown ups, treat one another with respect, no games and expecting the other person to read your mind. Being "in love" simply is not enough. M doesn't "make me happy", I'm happy being with him. Sure his behavior sometimes annoys me, as I'm sure my behavior sometimes annoys him, but we are nice to one another when we get upset about something. We care about one another's feelings, we acknowledge one another's feelings. And definitely no passive/aggressive game playing, withdrawing to punish the other person for some problem that only exists in my or his own head. None of that stupid he/she "should know I'm upset if he/she truly loved me" juvenile thinking. It is so much better to not have all that irrational stuff in my life anymore. No, I don't feel the same way about M that I did about Psychoboy, I realize some of the intensity was from all the insecurity that came with being in love with someone who just was incapable of returning that love in a way I recognized as love.
I guess I'm trying to say that each relationship is different, one can't expect the next guy to be all that you loved in your X but none of the stuff that didn't work. Everybody is an individual and the way two individuals mesh will be unique every time. You really have to be secure in yourself as an individual, happy with yourself, before you can really be secure in any relationship. If you care enough about each other to deal with the annoying stuff that inevitably comes up when 2 people spend a lot of time together then the relationship works. I read somewhere once that all relationship problems boil down to 2 questions. How much do you love me? and Who is in charge? The old insecurity demon comes up in each of these issues.
QueenBun
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