A little creeped out by this one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
A little creeped out by this one...
11
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 4:14pm
The other night out of the blue, Shane mentions that if anything happened to him, he wanted me to use the life insurance for certain things and certain amounts for each. I asked him why he brought it up and he said it just needed to be said. He wanted to make sure that the kids were taken care of for their futures and that I'd have a place to live and investments and some money to use to live on for a while.

We have a great policy that would take care of the others if one of us died.

Of course, if Shane passes, he has nothing to worry about. I'd have Dylan and our baby and would always be there for them. But I was thinking. If I passed, Scott would get Dylan and I doubt he'd ever allow Shane to see him again. Even though Dylan would have a sibling through Shane. There really would be nothing Shane or I could do to insure that Shane got to be a part of Dylan's future. It bothers me.

Shane is a wonderful addition to Dylan's life and has provided stability and so much love. I can't imagine that Dylan would have to miss out on time with Shane if anything happened to me. Plus, my family would be out of the loop too as Scott would make sure his man-eating mother got the majority of the benefits and my parents would get no time.

How can I ensure that my family and Shane get to continue being in Dylan's life if I were to pass on for any reason? Or is it out of my hands to get an order for visitation should something happen?

Anyone know? Who knows what tomorrow will be like? And the conversation I had with Shane really made me think about Dylan's future and what kind of life he'd have. I'm afraid the people I love will lose their relationship with my little boy.

Sorry to bring everyone down, but it did cross my mind and I had to ask if anyone else has thought about this?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 4:21pm
I think that is every mother's worst fear and even more so when you are a single mom.

Here is what I did: I set up all of my assets and life insurance beneficiary to go into a trust for Nicholas. My family would handle that trust so my ex would have to deal with them for the money. That is the best you can do. I also put in a clause that whomever he marries would have to sign a prenup waiving all rights to that money.

You cannot control the actions of others, especially after you are gone. But you also can't think like that because chances are good that you will live a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:44pm
Well the prenup part is out because my ex is already remarried. But I will definitely make sure someone on MY side will benefit from the money so that Scott will have no choice but to go to them when it is Dylan's turn to get his inheritance. Of course, I plan to live a long time and see my children grow up, get married (if they choose to), and play with my grandkids if I am blessed with any. I am very healthy and even though that really doesn't matter, I think it helps a lot. One way or the other, Dylan will be cared for by someone who loves him, but I just want to make sure that the people on my side that love him get to be with him should anything happen to me. Hopefully, I never have to worry about it.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 7:19pm
The prenup is for my DS's future spouse. My lawyer recommended that.

I guess your situation is different because your money would go to your spouse - unless of course you have a separate life policy with your trust/son named.

I am lucky in that a good friend from high school is an estate attorney and he did my will/trust - he did a good job and had really good advice for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:38pm

But??? What if your son doesn't want his wife to sign a pre-nup?

Kim

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Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:38am
If you have sole custody of your son, then by all means outline in your will who you want to retain custody of your son, your reasons for not wanting his father to have them (with out being derogatory toward your ex)and why the person you have chosen is the best person to have custody of him, and that the person you have chosen agrees. Although this does not guarantee that your ex won't get custody of him, it is taken into consideration should there need to be a determination of custody.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:59am
I've thought about it. TT has a very good friend that lived through it.

His friend M was married to C. C has a son from her first marriage. M&C got married when son was 2. C died of uterine cancer when son was 14. During those 13 years M&C were together, son NEVER saw, talked to, heard from, received support from, NOTHING, his bio dad. Mom died, the state contacted bio dad, bio dad came to claim his son. M hired an attorney and they BATTLED. M lost. He got visitation with son that he has raised for the last 13 years twice a year, a week at Christmas, a week during summer. Bio dad took son and moved out of state. Son turned 16 - was emancipated, and moved back "home" and in with his "dad" - M. It was a nightmare, to say the very least. And this wasn't long ago. Son just turned 19.

If I should die - my oldest will go with his dad, and it's up to my ex whether or not my oldest will ever see TT, his brother, or my family. MY parents could petition the court for Grandparents' Rights, as there is such a thing in the State of Nevada, and since they have been the only constant in my son's life, they would be granted it. They could arrange to have TT and Alex there during their visits. Besides that, there is nothing I can do legally, at least not here in the State of Nevada. I'm in a weird situation, though, where my ex adores my husband and our son - and I think that bond would remain intact. I think. Scary stuff to think about and deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 4:19pm

Our situation is much like Min's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:36pm
It's so sad. I never thought of this until Shane brought up the life insurance thing the other night and what if one of us died and how to spend it. I began to think about how if Shane passed, he'd go feeling happy that things would be the way they should. I have both the kids and they are cared for emotionally and financially. But if I passed, what would happen to Dylan? Scott and his wife had Dylan this summer and sent him packing a month early because they "claim" he was misbehaving. Dylan has been an agel since being back with us. It shows me that he's happier here and more stable and adjusted. His step mother favors her boys over Dylan and he feels it. It's one thing to love her own boys more than Dylan because they are hers. I understand that. Biology carries some weight. They are her babies. But to treat him differently, which is what I'm sensing from his behavior there, is just wrong. It's so obvious they can't handle him. Shane can...and does...every day. I know Shane is not Dylan's biological father, but he's there every day, tucks him in each night, gives him his medicine, loves and plays with him and is the true father in Dylan's life. Shane is the man raising Dylan. Scott is just visiting. It's not the same thing. I plan to speak to an attorney about a will and see what my options are. I plan to protect my family's rights to have Dylan in their lives. I know Scott. I know he will take my son and keep him from those people that love him most. And I cringe when I think of the school system he will have to go thru if he were to live there. It's so awful. I know I shouldn't dwell on this stuff because it's so unlikely it will ever be an issue, but I drive each day either a block away to across town and anything can happen. I have to think about what really matters.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:10pm
If you get some people in their pockets, you've got the upper hand sometimes. I know that you have insurance, but do you have someone in charge of the estate if you pass? If Shane is in charge of the money and Scott wants to access some for Dylan, Shane would have a lot of say about how the money would be transfered, right?

I think it's a hard topic to deal with, but like all other yucky topics, if you get yourself armed with legal information, then you can see how things could work out your way instead of just worrying about things. Surely if they are blood brothers, the courts would want them to have a relationship?? Anything else wouldn't make sense.
Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:53am

Here is what I did: I set up all of my assets and life insurance beneficiary to go into a trust for Nicholas. My family would handle that trust so my ex would have to deal with them for the money. That is the best you can do. I also put in a clause that whomever he marries would have to sign a prenup waiving all rights to that money.


West, that's what I did.




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