Live-in bf "not a family guy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Live-in bf "not a family guy"
34
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 3:35pm

Hello all,
My boyfriend moved in with my son and I about 6 months ago. He's got no kids, and as I just found out...never wanted any.

In the beginning I put so much energy into "making sure HE was okay with me having kids"...um..I forgot to put the same energy into finding out that he didn't ever want any. He had told me he was "undecided".

I do not ask him to do anything for my child. In fact, I'm ashamed to realize what a free ride he gets in our relationship. He has shown me time and time again that whatever he wants to do comes first; and that it's all according to the needs and wants of his friends.

Example: I asked him to watch my son ONCE on a Saturday when I had to work. He refused b/c his friends wanted him to go to the movies and shopping/dinner. Not only do I NOT get invited to these sorts of things (which leaves me spending most of my Saturday nights alone...once my son is in bed at 8pm); but he said he would not ask his friends to rearrange the plans a bit until I got off work. (They wanted to go at 3:30, I got off at 5:30) He said I was selfish to even ask him that and "how could he possibly inconvenience 3 other people like that?"

He also has recently said "I'm just not a family guy. I know I'm the right guy for you, but not for your family...but I want to be. I just don't know how."

"I get tired of being around your son. I just get so annoyed."

"I value my time with you and him, but I like my time to myself and with my friends more".

He has done so many passive aggressive and downright verbally/emotionally abusive things. It's excruciatingly painful how much my son adores him..with hesitation.

How long do I give this guy to show me some respect; make me a priority; care about my child?

I know the answer, I'm just looking to hear it again and again from others. I'm not trying to fool myself or find an excuse to stay, I guess I just need to not feel alone in the opinion that this isn't the right guy for me. I need some outside perspective to make me feel like I wouldn't be giving up too easily or not "standing by my man".

Thanks.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 3:46pm

So you said:


>He has shown me time and time again that whatever he wants to do comes first


>He has done so many passive aggressive and downright verbally/emotionally abusive things.


>I know the answer


Nuff said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 3:53pm

Hi, and welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 3:57pm
I feel your pain but in 4 words- throw his azz out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 4:14pm
I would give him minus one day. In other words - he is out of here now. He might be a nice person but he is not that into a family situation and he is plain selfish and a jerk. I am praying his name is not on the lease - because then he can come home and find all of his stuff on the lawn!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 4:33pm

Well done, Moon!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 4:47pm

He has done so many passive aggressive and downright verbally/emotionally abusive things.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 5:11pm
Yep, you know the answer without us telling you.
Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 5:49pm

Thank you to everyone for your advice. It's exactly what I needed. I've been guilty of being a "people pleaser" for so long that I often question myself. As if there is some set amount of time you should be patient with people before you kick them out of your life. I think a year is enough. I just needed a little kick-in-the-seat-of-my-pants encouragement. And you all gave it to me.

I made a mistake. I can forgive myself. And even if there isn't a "NEXT" person...I'm a whole person all on my own. I had everything just the way I wanted it in my life and I let this guy swoop in and derail me. (At least I feel good that I'm not blaming him...I'm blaming ME and saying that I ALLOWED this to happen.) I'm not a doormat.

Unfortunately, I gave up a very good paying job to move with him and right now I am applying for jobs again.

Is it wrong for me not to say anything and to just make my emancipation plan in silence until I can afford a place for myself and my son?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 5:59pm
After everything he has done? NO WAY! You go ahead and use him like a doormat too. Get your life together and really move out, take small steps towards a better you and don't make any further excuses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 6:05pm

To answer the questions posed to me...I am 38, he is 26, my son is 6.
Yes, there is a big age gap, but in all ways OTHER than showing me respect and behaving like a rebellious teenager from time to time (lol - yes, I am aware of how silly that sounds), he's been a true grown up. I told myself the age gap didn't matter b/c we had so many similar interests, values (or so I thought) and got along so well.

He just dropped this BOMB on me last weekend saying he feels guilty all the time because he is "living a lie" - pretending to be a "family guy" when he feels so unappreciative and smothered by it. Honestly, he's never been mean to my son or even unfriendly. I really was exasperated and was like..."WTF do you find so damn difficult? Oh boo hoo....there's a little boy who thinks you're cool and accepted you without question. I don't ask you to do anything for him...ever. I don't understand what's so freaking frustrating?"

Grrrr...

He said he WANTS to be the family guy, but doesn't know how...but will try harder; and is so afraid I'll grow weary of this and leave him.

Translation? "Promise me you won't leave me and I'll try harder?" Or..."What do I need to say here to get you not to leave me?"

On the subject of never inviting me out to do anything; meet his friends; etc...I told him it was like he was punishing me for being a mom. "If only you didn't have that darn kid....." (not his words...a paraphrase).

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