Live-in bf "not a family guy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Live-in bf "not a family guy"
34
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 3:35pm

Hello all,
My boyfriend moved in with my son and I about 6 months ago. He's got no kids, and as I just found out...never wanted any.

In the beginning I put so much energy into "making sure HE was okay with me having kids"...um..I forgot to put the same energy into finding out that he didn't ever want any. He had told me he was "undecided".

I do not ask him to do anything for my child. In fact, I'm ashamed to realize what a free ride he gets in our relationship. He has shown me time and time again that whatever he wants to do comes first; and that it's all according to the needs and wants of his friends.

Example: I asked him to watch my son ONCE on a Saturday when I had to work. He refused b/c his friends wanted him to go to the movies and shopping/dinner. Not only do I NOT get invited to these sorts of things (which leaves me spending most of my Saturday nights alone...once my son is in bed at 8pm); but he said he would not ask his friends to rearrange the plans a bit until I got off work. (They wanted to go at 3:30, I got off at 5:30) He said I was selfish to even ask him that and "how could he possibly inconvenience 3 other people like that?"

He also has recently said "I'm just not a family guy. I know I'm the right guy for you, but not for your family...but I want to be. I just don't know how."

"I get tired of being around your son. I just get so annoyed."

"I value my time with you and him, but I like my time to myself and with my friends more".

He has done so many passive aggressive and downright verbally/emotionally abusive things. It's excruciatingly painful how much my son adores him..with hesitation.

How long do I give this guy to show me some respect; make me a priority; care about my child?

I know the answer, I'm just looking to hear it again and again from others. I'm not trying to fool myself or find an excuse to stay, I guess I just need to not feel alone in the opinion that this isn't the right guy for me. I need some outside perspective to make me feel like I wouldn't be giving up too easily or not "standing by my man".

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 7:18pm


Sweetie - one mistake does not a failure make (or something like that...)


ANYONE can be a chameleon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 7:26pm

So he moved in about 6 months ago, but how long have you two been dating? (I'm not sure if I caught that part)


I wouldn't be trashing you for your judgment!! You don't have poor judgment, because as soon as you started seeing him for who he is, you recognized it, didn't you? Your judgment was THERE. It's just that HE was hiding himself from you all along. So how could you have seen it? He was "playing the part" and pretending, and you saw what you saw! You don't have poor judgment.


The only thing I was thinking was how long you dated before making the moving-in decision, as that is something you can make sure you avoid next time. Especially if you moved in fairly quickly, and didn't give it time. People can pretend for awhile, but they can't pretend forever. So you just have to give plenty of time to pass on by to see just what someone else is like. Date long enough to see WHO they are, as no one can pretend too long... and save the big decisions for later.


You sound like you have a great new checklist on what to do now, as well as what to do next time!


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 7:55pm
Good point, Shrimps!! You are always so analytical on all of the practical things - must be the nurse in you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 10:52am

Thank you, again, for the great advice.

Yes, I rushed in too fast to living together. I thought that after so much drama and crap in my life (lots of sob stories to tell...but they only helped make me stronger) that this guy was like a GIFT from above because he was so easy to get along with; so kind; so loving; etc. I thought it was some good kharma coming my way for all the bad stuff I had already endured. I thought I was so SMART now, and even though I really had no intention of getting involved with anyone again (maybe ever) I fell for him. It seemed so "charmed".

Where is that "fast forward" button so that I can see when a person is just pretending? lol

He still has moments when he is very affectionate and speaks so kindly. I mean, he's got EVERYONE fooled. They think he's this soft-spoken, easygoing guy...and I guess he is, to his male friends. But like I said in another post, a person doesn't have to yell to be mean.

I also wrote in another post this morning the story of "the window" from this weekend.

It was an unusually warm day. I opened the window. He came behind me and shut it. I said I was enjoying the fresh air. He said it was cold. I asked if he could just put on a sweatshirt. He said, "Why should I have to?"

That's pretty much what it all has come down to. Whenever I feel a pang of hurt; or even a pang of love I say to myself "remember the window".

My son is luckily only 6 so he didn't fully grasp the obvious lack of compromise and respect. Time for us to get out before he learns from these behaviours.

Maybe the window thing might seem small to someone, but I took it as just a metaphor for what my whole life has become.

I need out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 10:54am

Thank you so much. I needed that little lift.

I read a quote over the weekend that was an old Japanese proverb:
"Fall down seven times, get up eight"

In the isolation it's easy to beat yourself up. I am grateful to have found this board, and all the nice, honest, straightforward, encouraging people like you! :)

It helps. A lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 10:56am
Yeah, too bad that whole "living and learning" thing can't just be more painless! lol
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 10:57am

That's exactly what I am going to do. The job front isn't looking too good here (or anywhere for that matter with the economy being in such bad shape). But I hope to find something in my field soon. I've been networking like mad!! Wish me luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 6:38pm

My appologies for chiming in late-


First of all, you know that voice inside that keeps saying "he's not that bad, if only I do something differently, understand him, he will come around"..you know that voice? It's the same one that is saying "you need him due to your living siituation, it's too hard financially and emotionally to do it alone" ... that is merely an illusion of a voice created out of fear. you will have to overcome that voice and replace it with one based in reality- your reality is that your son comes first. This guy is telling you he is not a familiy guy. Something someone said here once stuck with me..." when he tells you who he is..believe him". It is his truth. He's not ready, he may never be. That's not your problem. You CAN get a job that pays the bills and rent- then you need to NEXT him without hesitation.


Keep strong and go forward. We'll be here to support you!


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 11:33am

Thank you for your reply. I soak up every word that's been written to me here like a desert plant in need of water. :)

What struck me the most was: "when he tells you who he is, believe him."

I guess I didn't believe it. Maybe he didn't either b/c of all his remorseful words and acts (though very temporary in nature).

I finally believe it.

While I am disappointed and hurt..I've moved to a place where I'm trying to practice peaceful and polite detachment, but I am so ANGRY!! Every time he walks into our house I tense up inside, but always behave myself and "act as if" I'm happy, for my son.

But when we've gotten out of this, i will be honest with my son about my mistakes and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 11:47am
Just remember that every single one of us on this board have made mistakes. Some of mine were doozies! As long as you LEARN from them, move on and don't repeat them, then you are in good shape. Experiences can be your best teacher, but it can really be a painful way to learn! I have come to prefer learning from other people's mistake because it is much easier! LOL!
Stephanie