To Live or Not to Live....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
To Live or Not to Live....
11
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:26am
Hi All,

I wanted to get everyone's thoughts on moving in with your SO. While your dating (any period of time), engaged or after your married? With children involved.

I think you should have the relationship established and engaged to be married if you decide to move in together. What do you think about combining households?

TIA,

Jenn

Jenn

 

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:33am

Hi Jenn


I know I'm probably in the minority here but I don't think you have to be engaged to live together or married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:00pm
I agree. Neither Shane's family nor my family really approves of us living together, but they also see how in love we are and have both been married before and are adults so they keep quiet and let us be.

But the part that keeps them happiest is that we are engaged. We didn't move in together until we were engaged and no one knew of our plans to co-habitate until the ring was in place on my finger. We had been talking about it a long time. Shane's belief was that he needed to be respectful of everyone's thoughts when approaching this subject and didn't want anyone to think we were just shacking up. I thought that was so thoughtful and sweet.

Now our wedding is in 16 days!

Good question! Bet you'll get a lot of great responses.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:04pm
That's a great thought. For Shane and I, we were engaged before hand, but were talking about moving in before that happened. I had no idea he was planning to propose. I was ready to move in one way or the other. I think it's a good idea mostly to have that solid foundation before moving in like you said. And so many people don't. For me, it can go either way....live together happily with no plans to marry either at all or anytime soon....or move in with plans for the future. As long as you're happy.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:29pm

Hi Jenn,


The answer would be as individual as the couple who asks themselves this question.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:26am

I agree with you for sure. I believe that at the VERY least. For me personally, I waited until I was married. That was my personal choice. And my DH and I are VERY glad we held off. It was the example I wanted to set for my ds, and the way I wanted to start off with my husband. There were quite a few people who gave us a hard time, and thought we were a little odd. "Why are you living with your GRANDMA? You're getting married in handful of months, Becky has a whole house to herself for them. Why are you not just moving there?"


But, it worked for the best and I wouldn't have made a different decision.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:56pm
Isn't it annoying when people want to impose their thoughts on you and give you a hard time because of a choice you made? It's your life, yet others think they have the right to tell you how THEY would do it. Or they think it's silly what you're doing so they have to tell you that.

Personally, Shane and I had to think hard about whether to go for it or to wait. He was very worried about how family would react, but we put those thoughts to rest and did what WE felt was right for us. They would still love us either way even if they didn't necessarily feel it was the right move. And we would have had to move in together anyway since he moved over here (over an hour from where I lived). It just works better for us.

I think it's an individual choice and feel like if someone chooses to wait, that's great. If they want to live together, great. Whatever works for you is what is right.

Mel

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Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:35pm
Well, I think it all depends. I don't think you need to be engaged or married but I do think you need to have determined this is a permanent relationship. You may be wondering about that definition but I'll explain. When dh and I moved in together, we'd decided that it was basically a permanent situation but both had been married before and basically just didn't believe in the whole institution of marriage. So dd and I moved in with MG with MG and I firmly intending to live together happily throughout the years without getting married. In fact we were emphatic about NEVER getting married. Well, obviously we changed our minds--after living together 2 months, he proposed. And we're glad we got married too. But we're also glad that we'd lived together over a year when we got married because we could go into the marriage knowing that we'd already established a solid family--that was really important in MG's level of comfort having never had nor planning to have children. He's the best dad to dd though and she has referred to him that way of her own choosing since about 8 months after we moved in. My dd was only 4 when we moved in though and just happened to be perfect timing all the way around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:15pm
I think it depends on the relationship. Some people move very quickly and others don't. If you feel comfortable moving in together and your children like your SO, why not move in together?

michelle

 

Mom/Stepmom/Grammy to

Tatyana - 16
Jesse - 11
Tyler - 7
Noel - 6
Jeffery - 4
Jonathan - 3
Serenity - 2

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:11am
It's not right for me because of the value system that I want to instill in my children. I believe that marriage is the highest commitment. My SO feels exactly the same way. If the kids weren't involved, we probably would have moved in together after a year of dating. It's going to be almost three years now and he's spent only one night at my house on the couch with the kids home. It's frustrating for us both, but we both believe in the example we're giving the kids. We have a unique opportunity to teach the kids what dating looks like. You get ready, he comes by, you go out, you come home and climb into bed by yourself at a reasonable time.

For me personally, I wouldn't want to 'have a trial' run with kids involved. You're either going to get married or not. Things like toilet seats and cleaning chores should be talked about and resolved as you go on. It's not like someone's going to walk out because of how they squeeze the tooth paste tube. Serious things like child rearing and how to deal with job loss and health issues and aging parents, they should be talked about at length before you make a commitment. I hate it when people say kids are resilient and they'll bounce back. Leave it as a theory and don't drag the kids in and out of relationships with you. I've got one very depressed high school student suffering through his mom's split right now. He's not taking it well AT ALL. He's depressed, he's in therapy, he's skipping classes...he's a really nice kid and it's awful to see him go through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:21am

Bay, I'm sorry to hear about your son.

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