living together

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
living together
6
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 12:57pm
How do you think would be the best way to introduce/and or tell my children(both teenagers) that I would like for my boyfriend to move in with us? Is there anyone out there with experience doing this? My children are very fond of this man. We have been dating for a year and he is at my house until the children go to bed every night. He has never spent the night while they are here. They know we are very serious about one another and are planning a future together. Just wondering if anyone has any ideas about this. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 3:37pm
Someone asked this question about a month ago and there were some good comments. I searched and found the link:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=7276.1&ctx=128

I am not trying to discourage further comments but I do remember that thread was particularly good.

Personally I am against living together and even more so if there are children involved.

Good luck to you and welcome to our board - keep us updated!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 4:12pm
I lived with my dh before I married him. My son was 4 at the time. His kids were both teens - but did not live with him (or in the same state as him!)

While I am obviously not against living together - I do think you and your boyfriend need to have very clear cut plans about your future together (are you getting married? when? are you both in agreement on this? is either of you pushing the other for marriage?) Why do you want to live together now? Do you view living together as a committment? How involved would he be with raising/disciplining/reprimanding the children? Have you considered step-parenting classes? Have you considered pre-marital counseling?

When kids are involved - I don't think "we love each other and want to live together" is a good enough reason to live together. It's fine when you are 20 and foot loose and fancy free. Kids change everything.

Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 4:32pm
Having lived with my husband before marriage as well as having a small child, I made sure we had some sort of a plan. We both made sure of it. Shane asked me to marry him. We had spoken of living together, but I had no idea he planned to propose. But I knew it was right for us to live together because we loved each other very much and my son was very much a part of both of our lives. So there was no question of whether we would. Just when.

My son loves Shane. They are so adorable with each other and he was not bothered by living with Shane. He thought it would be fun to live with mommy's cool friend, Shane.

My advice is to give the kids a head's up of what you are thinking about. Let them know you love each other and what they plans are for the future. They deserve to know. Get them to open up truthfully about how they feel. I think it could work out. But you have to communicate.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 5:23pm
I agree with Mel. I think the best thing you can do for your kids is let them be a party in the decision. Introduce the idea and encourage them to let you know how they feel about it. This is a really big decision that is going to effect their lives as much as yours. It's also important to define roles and any new rules or changes that will occurr as a result. Min had some great tips on how to prepare for that.

I currently live with my SO, his two boys and my daughter. We moved in together in February. We made sure the kids knew what the plan was the whole time and included them on the house hunting and encouraged them to discuss how they felt about living together. We have a wonderful cohesive family unit now. On the contrary, the boys' mom (who only sees them every other weekend) decided to move her boyfriend in to her apartment and eventually get married without ever consulting the kids about it. The older boy had some real issues with that. So, I think we did the right thing. :)

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 5:33pm
Welcome to the board!

I won't give you my opinions on living together because I don't think that's what you were asking for. I do think you definitely have to include the kids, especially at their age, in the decision. Now, are they boys or girls and what has their relationship been with your bf? Do they like him? Do they spend any one on one time with him? Because the dynamic is automatically going to change once he moves in with you and everyone has to be prepared for that. He is still a guest in your home right now. If he moves in, it'll be his home too and things that you never even thought might be an issue may creep up on you. Especially with teenagers in the house.

You definitely need to be on the same page as far as discipline, division of household chores and all that. He has to feel like a real part of the family and not just "mom's boyfriend" for this to work. That means you give up some of your responsibility and share authority with him. That's not always easy.

I definitely think you can do this successfully if you're smart about it. One thought I had when starting this post was how hard it must be to move in to someone else's home with their family and really feel like it's your home too. I moved into my boyfriend's place with my kids and that was hard enough. You are going to have to have lots of patience and so is he. But if you really want it to work, you can make it work.

Hugs

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 3:13am
Wow sounds so nice that your children especially teenagers are fond of your boyfriend. Though I don't have teenagers of my own, I have had the same experience as a teenager with my own mother. What I can reflect on now as a grown women and a first time mother is how much I want my kids to be involved and be able to express their feelings especially when the family dynamic changes. I know that i wish my own mother would have prepped me for the changes by letting me have my input on how it makes me feel and how comfortable I am with her boyfriend moving in. This way you and your boyfriend can gage whether the kids are ready to handle this or do you guys need to reassure them of any insecurties they may have if he moves in. (or you guys move in with him) Life is hard with any changes and its much easier to transtion to new changes when there is a time of acceptance for it to happen. I think its great if you could talk to them about the changes, be honest and let them know how safe it will be for them and you. From there you can decide a reasonable time table for this to happen. Not just the next few weeks but discuss a time that will make it all comfortable for all of you guys. What is even better is you can share with them what changes will occur and just start prepping them in advance rather than just putting them in the mist of it. I know I would have felt important if my mom would have considered my feelings and told me she wanted me to feel good about the changes too. Feeling important and security is what I wished I would have gotten from that childhood experience. So good luck and wishing you the best.