Long One

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Long One
13
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 12:37pm
Been single for 7 years.....I have a 10 year daughter, whos father got remarried years ago and ever since has not been consitant in his visits, several times over the past few years he has completely disappeared from her life, it is only when I file in court to change the percent and the money he becomes involved again, this last time he changed all his numbers and stopped paying from Sept till April he had not had any contact with her. Of course we went to court in March and his visits were to start again, April he would have her 2 saturdays over night then starting May 1st and third weekends, well my point, I recently got involved with a man that I explained the enitre situation to. Explained she has had me to herself for the last 8 years and there are attachement issues.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 1:42pm

So you said he wanted to move in after four months but cannot handle your 10 year old daughter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 2:38pm
You are right....the one thing I was mainly attracted to was he was so independant..he traveled for work hew was busy, happy on his own care free.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 2:50pm

I look for explanations for behavior so I can better understand the person and therefore have more compassion and deal with it better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 2:52pm

Seems flaky to me- too quick to pull the plug and blame everyone else- and not talk about things to boot!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 3:48pm

Fooled2much-


Why be fooled again? Your screen name indicates your tired of playing the fool.


I would be running fast from a guy who wants me (sometimes) but not with my daughter. We're a package deal and when it works it works, there is no forcing the issue.


This guy is holding up hoops and training you to jump through them. He likes to play mind games and he sounds really insecure. Why would someone his age play games like that? He's not relationship ready.


My advice? Given the info you have provided, I would personally throw this one back into the pond. It's not your fault he is insecure and plays games but it is your responsibility to put your DD first.


Good luck and welcome to the board.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 4:31pm

OMG - first welcome - but I would dump him for so many reasons - there is no way I would put up with his behavior.

I feel he needs to be patient with your daughter - 4 months is too soon to be spending a lot of time together much less wanting to move in. I would absolutely go haywire if a guy wanted to move in with me and my kid after 4 months never mind without a marriage proposal.

I don't think I would expect a Mother's Day Card - but it would have been nice if he acknowledged it or perhaps since he has met your daughter to have participated in some way - but I would not expect that.

I think it is bad how he treated you with regards to the sex and making you feel bad because he didn't kiss you - I would call that emotional abuse.

His breaking up after the message is okay - I would hand him walking papers and show him the door. You and your daughter are a package deal. Your daughter is a small child with a need for a mom. It is understanding how she would not like him - I bet he has all sorts of actions she picks up on that make her feel not quite right and never mind what has happened with her day. That is not about him - he should be the bigger person and be more mature and do the right thing.

I could go on and on. I am sorry this happened to you but in a way it is lucky. I hope you boot him and wait for the right one who will accommodate you and make you feel special. Not put up with this bag of worms that makes you feel bad and wants to move in after 4 months. It is not you - it is him - he is SELFISH and has horrible relationship skills. HUGS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 4:47pm

Not put up with this bag of worms


Oh I soooo agree with your post. It is right on!!!! Bag of Worms is a great way of putting it.


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 6:36pm
I agree, I allowed him to meet her and become part of the equation way to soon. I never allow that, it was accident how it happened then she just really got attached to his dogs so we just went with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: fooled2much
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 7:55pm
Well, to me that would not be an option either. I think you should take a few days to get away from him and reflect on what you want and how he clearly does not even come close to that from what you write - and that will give you the strength to dump him and feel good about your decision.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: fooled2much
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 12:22am

Whenever I hear someone ask "Is that wrong?" I think that person does not know his/her ethical values too well. May I suggest that you get in touch with who you are and what is important to you for that is what you teach your children.

I believe how I live my life, the values I practice (not so much what I say) teach my children how to live. So I have worked hard on knowing what is good and what is not something honors, respects, and is compassionate for myself and all others.

My take is that each of us need to know who we are, what we value, what is right and what is wrong, and honor ourselves before dating. This serves us as parents as well.

Take care,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







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