Long: Serious trouble with son

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Long: Serious trouble with son
16
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 9:50am

Hi Folks, I wrote this for a different parenting board, but I thought you all might have some insight. Thanks.

Some background:
I am a single mom. Been a single mom since my 8 yo son was 2 months old. His Dad is absentee. Am now dating a wonderful man seriously and he interacts positively with me and my son on a daily basis. When the three of us are together the atmosphere is full of fun conversation, and laughs.

My son has a history of being manipulative: a prime example is last year, 2nd grade, he convinced his teacher that he had a disability and could not hold a pencil without pain. For half a year the teacher took dictation for him. She finally approached me after several months of this, suggesting that I get physical therapy for him. There is nothing wrong with him I said! The school took the side of the teacher, and I enrolled him in physical therapy. Within two sessions, the therapist conceded that there was nothing wrong with him and that he could write as neatly as she could...

That story is par for the course. He uses his big brown eyes and a lazy attitude to control his environment.

So here's the situation that led to the danger:

A month ago my bf went away for his job for a month. My son and I settled into out routine of life at home and the month was uneventful. My son started being a little more sassy that usual, which I dealt with in the typical way: time outs, and increased amounts of light chores like taking the compost out, cleaning his room, bringing the dirty dished to the sink, etc. The boyfriend comes home a week ago from his travels and is happy to see us. He brough back a dozen souvineers for my son and spent about an hour with him telling him stories about the places where the trinkets came from etc. I received some gifts, too. THe point is that my son has been included in the fanfare of the bfs return.

Last week on two consecutive days my son did things that are in direct opposition to well established rules in our household.
1. he climbed on top of my car (He did this while I was laboring hard at a quarry sorting through rocks for a fireplace I am building. I was within 15 feet of the car, but my eyes were not on him until he was already up there. It was 100+ degrees and I deeded to get what I was doing done, so I told him that I was very angry and that I would determine his final punishment later, but for now he had to sit in the shade of the car with his water silently and wait. Home his punishemnt was, perhaps less than thoughtful, but I made h im continue to clean his room.

2 The secont infractoion: He very next day he really taunted the beagle until she snapped at him (No bite.). She's a very small dog and he chases and corners her and tries to pick her up by her legs. Just not good. The rule is that the beagle must come to him, he's not allowed to chase or taunt just pet and on her terms. He knows this rule well. When I caught him doing this, I sent him to his room and followed him. I made him clean his room again, and this time took a small toy (ala dollar store) that I jhad asked him a gazillion times to put away. I told him that I was going to take this to Goodwill nbecause he wasn't caring for it. to this he threw the tanrum of his life. He has never bbeen prone to tantrums ever, so I was reallly caught off gaurd. He said,
"NO. I won't let you. You cannot leave my room without giving me my clip (It was a colored carabiner clip)."
He braced himself against the door. I remained calm and said " You let me out of this room or you will get into even bigger trouble!!"

"NO! He yelled" Eventually it amounted to me picking him up and moving him and him screamaing " I'll get that back or you'll buy me amother. You'll pay for this, Mom!!!!"

Honestly I was really shocked. We don't yell in our house much at all. Words like that are just totally new to me. SO I looekd online for what to do and came up with a discipline program that seemd to make sense. When he breaks a house rule, he must first write a 50 word apology. If he doesn't cooperate or if it is a very serious infraction, he gets an hour in a chair. (Seems long, but my son LOVES time outs, he even gives them to himself). This has bene going on two days, so he's had three 50 word essays and 2 hours in the chair. I feel like a tyrrant.

Now the big dangerous part. Yesterday he has a pretty good day, only one 50 word essay. BF came over and sweetly mowed my lawn while my son helped him by moving balls and jump ropes etc out of the way ahead of the mower. We had a nice dinner which we all enjoyed, there was no picky eating battle. Then we all played with walkee talkees together with much laughter. THen bed time which seemed to go smoothly. Half an hour later, my bf and I are chatting in the kitchen. We hear thumping upstairs. I wonder what that is. The son should be asleep. BF says it's on the roof. He goes outside, I run upstairs. My son's screen window is open and he's no where to be found. THe bf is looking up at the roof and can't see him. OMG I was terrified. I have a tall 2-story Victorian house with steep roofs. My son eventually came around and was just climbing all over. He made his way back into his room. I was too upset to have anything but an over-the top-reaction, so I calmed myself for 10 minutes while my bf lectured him about safety how he could have been killed. We screwed the windows upstairs shut for the night.

Seems obvious to my that something needs to change major in my approach. When I asked my son why, he said ("I did it becaus eI'm not used to having the BF back in town." SO Now he's trying to leverage a perfectly wonderful relationship apart for whatever reason.

I have not given him his formal punsihment because I have no idea what to do. He's in limbo now with me being curt with him until I figure out what to do.

Please give me your thoughts on defiance, attention seeking, and manipulation in children. He's a bright boy and I want him to succeed and be happy.

Humbly and desparately,
A very worried Mom.




Edited 8/11/2007 9:54 am ET by ubersilly

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 5:56pm

Thanks for sharing that additional (positive) information about your son because like myself, some of the other members shared my feelings/thoughts ... just expressed differently.

Things will work out for the best for you and your family. Parenting is hard work and can be stressful, I'm getting a taste of the good and the bad. I wish you well and God bless.

Love,

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 6:22pm

Ubers,


Sorry that he's acting out this way- my son will be 8 next month and he certainly likes to pull some things on me!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 6:39pm

I put a picket-fence type of barrier on the windows, looks country-craft like instead of cage like. I know he'll be safe that way. :roll eyes:

There are a lot of good ideas here and I certainly will take comments to heart. Thanks you all very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 9:23pm

Just keep trying different things until something works.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 6:37am
I just remembered something - his behavior sounds like that of Lance Armstrong when he was a child - very athletic, not afraid of anything. So you will just have to channel this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 1:06pm

Ubers:

I am sort of in the same position you are right now with my son. He hasn't been acting out in the same ways, but he's definitely becoming manipulative.

My son is a very bright child, almost eerily so, and it's very easy for all of the adults who interact with him- teachers, doctors, grandparents, etc... to forget that he's only 8. Even his teachers are prone to giving him extra work, such as tutoring others. I feel I may overcompensating for all of that by not giving him enough to do.

Droid needs to be kept busy, but he's stubborn. His acting out lately has had more to do with his sister- she's a very normal 6, and has less interest than he in learning but way more interest in socializing. She does well in school, but if he was the "average", she'd be far below it.

One of my problems is not comparing, and not letting anyone else compare. Droid is wonderful about helping her learn to read, math, etc. I have been asking him to help her sound a word out during story time, and praising him when I "catch" him helping her with something. We only recently have added tv to our lives, and I've been letting him stay up on the days he's doing well to choose a program.

So far, this has helped, but I know a part of Droid's "issue" is that he does get a lot of responsibility from others, we're preparing to move which is stressful for everyone, and summer can get boring for a kid who doesn't make friends easily and would rather be in school all the time.

Good luck with your son, perhaps it's an age thing.

Moody, thankful they are all different


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