long story...but single again

Avatar for mom_x_three
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Registered: 03-27-2003
long story...but single again
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Tue, 06-08-2004 - 8:56am
B and I have split up...actually he moved out several weeks ago, but we were still trying to work things out...but it's not going to happen, after trying counseling...we decided to split.

The counselor says that he lacks the interpersonal skills to be able to maintain a long term relationship (all have ended in around 18 months). She says that he has almost an intense need to be alone...hence his addiction to computer games and hobbies that don't require interaction with people, his job which doesn't require interaction, etc. She says that he is able to "put it aside" for short periods of time, which is why dating works...but once in a fulltime relationship, the need to be alone will push everyone away. But of course, he doesn't see it that way and refuses to go to any more counseling.

She assured me that there is nothing I could have done differently, and it's not something I overlooked when we were dating...she said it simply isn't there during dating, and that he was sincere when we got together, and he most likely meant it even when he said he wished things would work out...but he just doesn't know how.

I'm sad for him...I want him to be happy...but I'm also relieved, because things I was taking as a personal rejection...like him not spending time with me...weren't really about me at all.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

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Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 10:37am

Sherry, I am truly sorry.

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 10:51am

Oh Sherry. I don't even know what to say. I am just devastated for you. I could cry.


I had somehow gotten the impression that B had finally adjusted to family life and everything was starting to click. I remember you having similar issues when you were first married that J and I had w/the computer/TV time and feeling rejected.


It almost sounds to me (Correct me if I am wrong) that the counselor just patted him on the head and said "Awwww, it's not your fault honey that you have poor interpersonal skills. Might as well get a divorce" and didn't encourage him to LEARN to be different. I am glad you feel validated. That's important. It definitely wasn't YOUR fault that he was not good at relationship issues. But, are you just ok to let it go to divorce, because he has poor skills, or is that him (I did see that he said no more counseling)


HUG HUG HUG


Gosh, I just can't think what else to say.


How are your kids? How are you really?


You're in my prayers.


Bec

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:44am
(((Sherry)))You sound so amazingly strong!! I'm so glad that you've been to counseling and you've been set straight about what's been going on. How are the kids taking it?
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:53am

Oh my God!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 12:16pm
Sherry, I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish you the best in getting through it all. Let us know how it's going, keep in touch.

Candi
Avatar for mom_x_three
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:04pm
yes, it's something he could work on..but first he would have to admit there is a problem..and that the problem is him, instead of blaming everything and everyone around him.

And he's not in that frame of mind right now...

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

Avatar for mom_x_three
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:23pm
Actually the counselor didn't tell him that...she told me after he refused to continue going to counseling. She forms that opinion based on what he said during the time he was there...his reactions to her (all negative) and his past history...all short term relationships, lack of friends, etc.

had he been there, she would have continued to try to bring him to the realization that he was pushing people away by his actions...there's alot more than what I wrote. He was actually being quite across the board with his complaints. He wanted to move, he didn't find me attractive and wanted me to lose weight, he was losing his temper over minor things with the kids...he was blaming the fact that the kids do have their moments (and they do) for the fact that he wasn't happy.

The computer thing got better slightly for a little while, and then started sliding downhill even worse....it was to a point where literally he would roll out of bed and start playing the game, the minute he walked in the door after work he was playing until several hours after I went to bed. He would turn down invitations to go places or do other things because something was planned in the game. His dd would be over for the weekend, and he would still play the game the entire weekend, not paying any attention to her. It's an addiction if not an obsession.

The friend he is staying with now also plays the game...so of course he likes it better over there...and why would he want to come back?

As for being okay with it leading to divorce...I don't have much of an option...except to accept that this is who he is, and he doesn't see any problem with the way he is, so I have to accept that he's leaving and doesn't want to (or can't) make the effort.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

Avatar for mom_x_three
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:24pm
How are the kids taking it...I have to admit, I've been a big chicken...I didn't feel like talking when I got home from the counselor yesterday...so I haven't told them it's permanent yet.

We'll be having that talk when I get home.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:52pm

Ok. That all makes a little more sense. I am horribly sorry if I came across as judging. It was DEFINITELY not that way in my head. I just didn't quite get the picture and it all didn't SEEM like you.


Hugs to you. I'll be thinking of/praying for you as you prepare to sit down and talk to the kids.


We're here for you Sherry.


BIG BIG Hugs.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 3:02pm


Oh Sherry, I'm so sorry. It sounds like he had some big issues and kept them under wraps. That's SO hard and I can sure identify with it. HUGS girl...nothing you can do when someone hasn't been upfront and real with you.

Take care

Candi

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