Long term BF does not attend son events

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Long term BF does not attend son events
14
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:33am

I have many things going on in my relationship first of all. My main issue right now is he does not want to be a part of my son's events.

We have been dating for 13 months and living together for about 9 months. My son is 6 and his daughter is 14. She also lives with us. He and daughter were very immature at a ball game a few weeks ago. My family was not amused let's say. He really had not wanted to go to my son's games in the first place. After this he really did not. They did not say anything to him. We all just focused on my son. The two of them were standing way back not with us or around the ball team, which is what this is for the kids. It is not my fault he chose to stay away then blamed me and my family for not talking to him. Durin the game they stayed at the concession stand for about 30 minutes or so. Then when they came back they were shooting peanuts through a pixie straw. He said she only was but he was allowin it. People in the stand were getting mad and I was irritated and moved up to talk to my cousin to avoid causing a scene in front of the whole stands. That is not way to act at a game especially for him to condone it and laugh like it was funny. He went to a game the Sat before last and left before he saw my son or I. We were the only ones there. Tonight was the last game and he still did not go. My son was nominated to the all stars I just found out tonight. I took us out for ice cream to celebrate. Earlier before the game BF said if you take me to dinner I will go to the game. I had already eaten at home as we agreed to watch money. I said no I already ate and left for the game. He did not say anything to my son about congratulations or anything. He was not going to his music program a few weeks ago even when my son asked him to but then he decided to last minute and called me and said he was coming. His mom said she told him he was wrong and we are a family now. I told him tonight that I did not know how I could continue to be with someone who is not supportive of my son. He works nights and if he is sleeping I do not expect him to come but if he is free or doing something unimportant I think he should be involved. His daughter is not in sports or anything but if she was I would go. I went to her school registration and take her to do things like hair, shopping, etc. She and I have our good days and bad. That is another post all together. Am I right to be rethinking my relationship for lack of support from him or should I get over it? My point tonight was is he going to continue this for my son's next 12 years through school activities. My son is my main priority. I work at home and make good money but mostly do it so I can be here for him and his activities. Help me out here!

Pages

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:53am

Dr Joy Browne, a therapist and book author, asserts that a step parent's role is to be the child's friend not their parent for he/she already has that. With that said, I expect my soon-to-be life partner to be involved not only with me but with my life. A main part of my life are my children. For me I expect my partner to share Some (not all) of my children's activities as part of our relationship since my time is valuable to me and I would want to spend time with ALL of those I love - my children and my partner. I view her enthusiasm (or lack thereof) to spend family time as an indicator as how compatible we are as partners.

This guy's behavior bothers you. No matter what I (or others) say, his lack of interest in the primary emotional part of your life (i.e. your son) will continue to bother you. As you pointed out that you will be devoting your life's focus, energies, attention, time, etc. for your son. Do you want a life's partner who is not willing to share and participate with you in that?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:22am

I think that you have two separate issues here.

First of all, I don't think he should be expected to attend your son's events, especially when he is trying to spend time with his daughter. I would not find it fun to have to go and sit at one of those events for someone else's kids. I am busy with my work and own activities and would resent being told I have to go - I would rather be with my son doing something that is good for both me and my son. I know that sounds mean - but it is blunt and the way I feel. Your son is your son and not his son.

I think you should leave it up to him whether or not he wants to attend and just be fine with what he does. Maybe he would go sometimes or stop by at the end? You two have 2 kids that are different ages and different genders with very different needs - that is a huge clash and probably the only answer is to do stuff separately with them. I do not see why a 14 year old girl should be made to sit at a 6 year old boy's sporting events.

BUT he should take an interest in your son's accomplishments and congratulate him. If he does go he should show emotional maturity and respect to other people and to your family. To me, this is the real issue of why you are unhappy. Another thing is that he has money issues and a stingy attitude - "I will go if you take me to dinner" - to me that is unnacceptable.

If I was you I would think carefully about what I want in life and I would probably kick him to the curb. Perhaps you really want a partner who is committed more to family life and who would ENJOY going to those games? Or who would be able to articulate that he does not enjoy it the way you do but will take you out for ice cream to celebrate and find a way to make you feel supported in a way that he enjoys. If this is what you want then that is what you should find. You are not going to change this one. What you see is what you get.

Your son is important to you and you sound like you are doing a great job at staying home to work and at helping him with sports and great accomplishments. The right person will make you feel happy with this.

Welcome to our board - we hope you stick around - and we are always here. Good luck with your decisions!!

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:46am

Hi there, and welcome to our board!

I have been in a similar situation, and from my experience, you need to decide if you're going to be happier alone or with someone you resent. In my relationship, he lived with me (and my children, of course) but had no children. He wasn't used to doing "family" things, and coming to sporting things, and whatnot. At first, he thought it was optional, as a lark, but it soon got tiring to him.

I think you should decide if you can do other things together and be happy. Are you happy in all other aspects of your relationship? I know in my case, the fact that I resented this carried over to other things (and we had other issues), and that wasn't a healthy thing. It was also honest, and was also a major reason we didn't last.

I want a partner who cheers for my children as I will cheer for his. Not as their parent, but as their friend, and as a supporter. I wouldn't necessarily expect him to come to every event or game, but if he did come, I wouldn't expect to have to drag him there, and I would expect that both he and his daughter would behave respectfully. 14 is old enough to know better!

My 5 year old can behave herself 3 nights a week when we go to her brother's games, for crying out loud, and she has ZERO interest in being there- yet she goes because A)she likes to pretend she's a cheerleader, B)I have to bring her, as I'm a single mom, C)it's something we do together, as a family, and to show support for each other, D)he watched her dance, and wasn't interested, but learned patience and behaved himself.

Sometimes we all have to do things that aren't really our cup of tea, but we do them to show others that we care. I never was into baseball and mud pies and monster trucks and monsters, but I had a son, and I learned. The planet Nebula really isn't that far away.

I understand that this isn't HIS child, but he knew you had one when he started dating you, and when he and his daughter moved in, right? You didn't just bring him out of a closet after they'd unpacked, I'm assuming.

It's my opinion, and probably mine alone, and I haven't read ahead yet, that you'll have a hard time trying to change him into being supportive- which isn't an unreasonable thing to want in a partner. So your decision now is- accept that he isn't, at least in this aspect, or be without him. Which is better for you?

Whatever you do, we're here.


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:41pm

He sound immature, selfish and disrespectful.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:48pm

Hi and welcome!


I can understand your frustration at the situation, I certainly wouldn't want to have to put up with it!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:49pm

Hi Mark,


Welcome to the board as well!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:51pm

"I understand that this isn't HIS child, but he knew you had one when he started dating you, and when he and his daughter moved in, right? You didn't just bring him out of a closet after they'd unpacked, I'm assuming. "


LOL Tina, this line cracked me up!!!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 4:25pm
Thanks to all of you who responded! I do want to clear up some things. The daughter was never made to attend the games she went to. She chose to go to some of them including this one she acted up at. The other times she even went without dad sometimes. She acted like a nice young lady those times. The two of them as a pair get immature. I have discussed this with him in the past. She is a moody teen and that is okay sometimes and to be expected but he has to be an adult and not join in. He cannot condone her acting like that (spitting out peanuts through a pixie straw is not acceptable). He laughs along with her like he is a kid too. I have also told him I do not expect him to attend all games but to be supportive. He does not congratulate him or anything. They together tease my son. This has gotten better but still happens. I expect the teen to do it but he is the adult and then wonders why my son has a hard time accepting him as a parent figure. I told him he has to acute more like an adult. Adults can have fun too but you have to know boundaries. Also on the game thing. When we dated last year he drove 30 minutes to attend almost every single game and would play games with my son. Now he will hardly do anything. I just try to get him to be more involved with family things. He has a hobby that consumes his every being. His parents know this too so it is not just me. He expects me to be there for everything for daughter but is not for my son and I guess that is a big part of it. We have to both be there for both kids to make this work in my opinion. I guess I feel like I was fooled. He was a loving, caring, helpful, mature, involved man when I met him and now he does not give a hoot about my son, helping me out, giving me support, or anything. This game situation is just one piece of the puzzle. I do not want him to attend everything just to show support or attend some of it. He is a very selfish person. He wants everyone to be involved and understanding of his hobby but does not want to be involved in our things. I went with his daughter for her first OB/GYN visit, took her to do things, etc. I just expect the same in return. We have to be parents or parent figures and not just like we are single or single parents if we are to live as a family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 8:31pm

Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk when it comes to your son. I would not tolerate the things you described in your original post.

I know that my partner will never love my son as much as I love my son, but I demand that my child be treated with respect. If my son was invited to be in all-stars, you better believe I would want to hear a congratulations from my boyfriend.

It sounds like your guy will treat your son like that, not just for the next 12 years....but for as long as they know each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 8:49pm

So, is it the old "bait and switch", or is it because of this hobby that's he's changed?


Photobucket

Pages