Love sucks

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Love sucks
5
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 1:13am
Hello everyone, I haven't been on here in a while, so I thought I would get on and write what I was feeling. Last discussion I put on here, I was really upset about my ex because he broke up with me because I have a child, and he doesn't want to be a step-dad. I have continued to see him a couple of times. I have gone out to his place. I went out to see him this last Thursday and almost had a break down. Everytime I go out there we always talk about us and getting back together, but this last talk I don't think that will happen, he said that the whole step-dad, and step-child things scares him. I didn't know what to say to that. We weren't together very long a little over four months. I can't figure why I can't just forget about him and move on. He was such a great guy, everything I was looking for in a guy. I hate being single and alone. I think that might be part of it. I have three friends that are getting married within the year so I'm feeling very lonely. I don't know what to do. I need to find a new man, help!!!
Sandra
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: sandra_qt32
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 8:36am

I know how lonely it can be. Once I even googled "I am so lonely" and a weird forum popped up with hundreds of missives from lonely people. It made me laugh and feel less alone.

Obviously, he wasn't exactly want you wanted if he had issues with step children... He probably has other inflexible issues that would have come up later, you don't really know, 4 months isn't enough to really know someone very well. Sounds like he had a weird stepdad experience with either his family or a friends. A good stepparent can be a profound and lasting gift to a child. In my case, my son's father is abentee and abusive, so when bfs step in to share their time with him, it's a real blessing.

About your friends, it's easy to compare life situations, but maybe not the healthiest thing to do. They may have been envious of your child, your brassy independence, who knows. We all have our good stuff.

I would find some good new hobbies, join a sport club or begin to introduce yourself to folks at the park or coffee shop. That's not easy and it's not an instant fix, but if you get out there you will have more friends in different life situations to visit with.

One really good and surprising bit of advice I received is to read biographies when you are lonely! The library will have tons of them. Pick someone who you wish was your friend or mentor; someone you can learn from or enjoy learning about.

In time, if you care for yourself, lonliness will transform to independence, then self confidence and radiance. Menn will come your way again when you are ready! Don't be in a hurry to find a man; the hurry will put you in a vulnerable rebound situation where you are overly dependent on the relationship for companionship and you won't do the inner healing that you need to do riht now.

Take care, it's okay to feel blue, just don't take it out on yourself or think a man is the solution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: sandra_qt32
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 10:32am

I think he may have had a lot of qualities you'd like in a partner, but the very most important was lacking. He's not ready or can't or doesn't want to deal with a child. If he were truly the man for you, it wouldn't matter that it was someone else's child.

My suggestions would be to put the emphasis back on you. You don't want this guy because he isn't right for your family right now. You can look for some of the same qualities he has in someone else- someone who's open to ALL of your life, including your child. Also, think less about finding a man, a date for weddings, or a life partner.

Think about what would make you happy. We all have moments of loneliness, I'm sure. The key is to dealing with it, and making yourself happy. A man won't do that. You have to be happy for yourself, by yourself, with only yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

Good luck, and hang in there. Come around, even just to rant or vent or laugh with us... we love the company, and are here for you.

Moody, who would caution that the grass isn't always greener


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: sandra_qt32
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 11:08am

I'm sorry about him and how he just can't get past the step-dad issue with you in your relationship! That sucks, for sure. But to help you get over him, think of him as a great car. All the right colors, the stereo system to die for, a powerful engine that is also not a gas guzzler (somehow), and just the most perfect dream car. But when you go to take it for a drive, you find out it's missing a rear axle. The back wheels looked beautiful sitting there, but they just fall off when you try to move forward. You loved everything about the car- but it's basically useless to you because it won't go anywhere.

But- it was useful in that you've learned that the next time you shop for a car, you won't fall in love with it until/unless you find that it has ALL the features you need and want. Sure, the color can be negotiated. The interior can be compromised a bit... but something like a rear axle- that's a sure-fire dealbreaker. You have a child, so a man who can't accept the possibility of being a step-dad... is just simply a deal-breaker for you. You've learned what "close" is, and now you can find what's even closer next time- and don't settle for less! There ARE men out there who could be a step-dad without having to be convinced into being one.

I also agree with ubersilly and Moody's posts too. Wholeheartedly! They mentioned making sure you aren't just trying to find happiness with a man. Find happiness with your own life, without the man first. And then the man can be added later (if you even still want one at that point). No one (man or woman) should have the burden of keeping a partner happy. Each should handle his/her own happiness, and then they can share it together. Being with somone who is unhappy about life is just draining, IMO.

I think you're on the right road, in realizing that this man just isn't right enough for you and your family. Let him go, and set yourself free.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
In reply to: sandra_qt32
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 12:54pm

I know how you feel and am kind of in the same boat. I was in a relationship with a man for over a year who had a lot of hang-ups about the kids. As much as I cared about him and am sad it didn't work out, I know that it is better in the long run. It's hard to realize that you might meet people who would otherwise be a great match for you if you didn't have kids. But the reality, is that we do, and it's a huge part of who we are.

Trust me, this guy was not right for you and now you have the opportunity to meet someone who will not only love you, but care for your kids too and not have insecurities and hang-ups about being in their life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: sandra_qt32
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 1:20pm
Bravo Shrimps - you always have such a way with words!! Great advice!