loyalty or stupidity?
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loyalty or stupidity?
| Wed, 04-06-2005 - 12:45pm |
Hi all,
I am wondering what to do here. I am trying to ignore this guy at work for my own sanity. I can't stop playing all the things he has said to me over in my head though. It seems one moment that he is not interested at all and at others that he is just waiting for some closure from his failed marriage. I don't know what he's thinking and he won't talk to me-so....
I was going to put a profile on a dating message board and see what happens. I have looked at a few profiles a couple of times, but have stopped short of writing them or anything. Then, last night I thought I would take the plunge and finally put my profile out there.
I couldn't do it. First of all, I am afraid someone I know might see it(silly, I know). Second of all, my marriage failed b/c my stbx signed up for dating services(and actually paid for a few)during our marriage, so I am worried I will be attracted to a guy who is not exactly truthful. Third-this is the one that is driving me crazy-I feel like I would be disloyal to this guy at work if I was actively looking for someone else-even if just to have someone to talk to(which is all I really want right now). He hasn't said anything to make me feel like I can't make my own decisions or do what I feel I need to do. I just don't want to be with anyone else. I feel like I would be missing a great thing if I gave up on him now. I even went so far as to tell him I had thought of putting a personal ad in the paper just to have someone to talk to and his reply was,"there's no hurry" Maybe not for him, but I am a social person. I need someone to talk to. I love people and I love to talk and share things or just be quiet and be close.
He said he's not ready and I don't know how to stop wanting all that I do. So I am trying to stay away from him. All the while my heart is breaking.
So am I being loyal in giving him some time to "be ready" or am I being stupid for waiting for an undisclosed amount of time for a guy who may never be ready-or who may not even be interested?
Any feedback would be great. Thanks a lot.
All the Best,
Jean
I am wondering what to do here. I am trying to ignore this guy at work for my own sanity. I can't stop playing all the things he has said to me over in my head though. It seems one moment that he is not interested at all and at others that he is just waiting for some closure from his failed marriage. I don't know what he's thinking and he won't talk to me-so....
I was going to put a profile on a dating message board and see what happens. I have looked at a few profiles a couple of times, but have stopped short of writing them or anything. Then, last night I thought I would take the plunge and finally put my profile out there.
I couldn't do it. First of all, I am afraid someone I know might see it(silly, I know). Second of all, my marriage failed b/c my stbx signed up for dating services(and actually paid for a few)during our marriage, so I am worried I will be attracted to a guy who is not exactly truthful. Third-this is the one that is driving me crazy-I feel like I would be disloyal to this guy at work if I was actively looking for someone else-even if just to have someone to talk to(which is all I really want right now). He hasn't said anything to make me feel like I can't make my own decisions or do what I feel I need to do. I just don't want to be with anyone else. I feel like I would be missing a great thing if I gave up on him now. I even went so far as to tell him I had thought of putting a personal ad in the paper just to have someone to talk to and his reply was,"there's no hurry" Maybe not for him, but I am a social person. I need someone to talk to. I love people and I love to talk and share things or just be quiet and be close.
He said he's not ready and I don't know how to stop wanting all that I do. So I am trying to stay away from him. All the while my heart is breaking.
So am I being loyal in giving him some time to "be ready" or am I being stupid for waiting for an undisclosed amount of time for a guy who may never be ready-or who may not even be interested?
Any feedback would be great. Thanks a lot.
All the Best,
Jean

Unless he is promising you something concrete, you have no obligation to wait for him. And you don't know what you're waiting for anyway. My opinion is find someone who is ready. He may just be stringing you along to make himself feel better.
How well do you know him?
All is fair in love and war!! You don't owe any man loyalty until he has flat out asked you for it.
I would want to be cautious about meeting someone online - that concern is valid - but there is nothing to say you can't put up a profile and have fun!! Go for it!! And report back to us!!
I don't think anyone who knows you (who isn't single and looking themselves) will see you - it is plum too much trouble to go through all of those profiles and pix. You can always email a picture if they ask - but men are very visual creatures and it is best to have the pic up front, in my humble opinion.
Good luck!!
About online dating--I was really nervous about it at first. It took me a while to find a site that meet my needs. Take your time and look for the right site. I found www.Mary.com and I finally subscribed to it. You can indicate that you are just looking for friends. I have been talking to a couple of guys, but I told them up front that I just wanted to be friends. They have a lot of great features that are for the benefit of women. They have a very wide range of articles on there that are really good. But like I said, you have to find the site that is right for you.
Jean,
To be honest, this guy doesn't seem to really be in to you and is just telling you he's not ready as a way to let you down easy. He doesn't want to come straight out and say, "sorry, not interested" because he doesn't want to hurt you- especially since he knows how you feel.
You should NEVER wait around for someone to give you what you're looking for. I agree with the poster who said that "if he can't see the great person you are, he's not worth it." If you're looking to make new friends, get out and join something- a class at the university/ college, something at the rec centre, go see an opening at an art gallery or a book signing at a bookstore. You may not meet the next love of your life, but you could make some new friends, male and female, that share your interests in things.
Try not to focus on every new guy you meet as a potential husband- guys can sense that. When you come across as yourself, just a fun and outgoing person, things are easier. It's true that when you stop looking, you will find what you were seeking to begin with.
I don't know a dating site is the best place to meet just friends, and that's why I suggested taking up a class. Most people that use those sites are looking for a mate or a sexual partner. I think exploring your interests will help you find new friends and grow as an individual. You'll be able to have fun and learn new things about yourself.
It's also good to just chat up those that you come in contact every day. Getting used to just casual non commital conversation will allow you to express yourself easily and not come across as the desparate-for-a-guy-to-talk-to-me type.
So I guess my advice here is to go out and have fun for yourself, and not with the idea of just trying to find a new guy. Get out with your girlfriends that you haven't seen for a while and have fun. If you feel good about yourself, you will send off positive vibes to everyone around you and will be more attractive to the opposite sex.
Good luck
Alison