Making out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Making out
29
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 10:56pm

Fivesense brought up an interesting topic in one of the threads on this board.

She writes, "At my age, I avoid make-out sessions if I don't intend to have sex with the guy. Kissing, hand holding, and staying out of situations where sex can happen, makes it easier for me to say no and keep my answer no. I wouldn't like it if a man suggested having sex with me before the second date."

Interestingly, I have seen this SAME topic discussed, with exactly the same thoughts, by some women on the Single Parents and Dating board. It is becoming more popular to really hold back, remain almost chaste and then be able to think straight about what you want and where a relationship should go.

I welcome everyone's thoughts on this matter. I thought it would be a good question and discussion for our week.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 11:18pm
I totally agree with fivesense, I haven't done heavy makeout sessions since high school(poor guys)lol. If I'm indulging in that type of behavior, that's because the good stuff is going to happen. I'm very strict when I go out with men, it takes them a very long time to get anything from me. I'm an extremely passionate person, and I put my all into what I'm doing, so if I'm not feeling you, it won't happen. It takes time for me to get to know someone and start feeling them (if it ever happens). It's also a good litmus test to weed out a-- h----. I firmly believe that a women should carry herself with lots of dignity and respect, and trust me if you put out too fast, they won't respect you.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 8:10am
Good subject West. At my age mid forties I would not think of having a make out session with a woman on the 1st. date nor would I her in the position to think that. I guess I am kind of old fashion. I believe you can go out to a nice resturant have dinner and then go to a small jazzclub or a cozy bar with a piano player. It is not to set up a date for sex but talk and get to know someone. You can also observe their habits while in 2 different places. I would not even bring up the subject of sex for a few dates. Dont get me wrong I enjoy sex as much as everyone else, but I am looking for a solid relationship. I feel a woman who can stay away from the sex part for awhile is a more committed person to have a stonger relationship with.
Is it me thinking from reading on here that woman are ok with sex on the 2nd. date. If they are why? I just dont get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 8:59am

This came up because of my thread about the guy I'm seeing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:57am
It is very reassuring to know that there are guys who feel this way.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:58am

Don't feel bad, Jennie. I think this is a mistake that many women make simply because they confuse passion with love or just don't know any better. We have all struggled with this.

I thought this was a good topic because it seems easier to wait when you don't set yourself up for temptation early on.

I would avoid places like houses and heavy makeout sessions for sure. I really agree with what all of these women are saying.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 5:50pm

I totally agree, Judy- a lot of women do get all wrapped up in the sex thinking there's a deeper connection going on, but a lot of guys don't view it the same way.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 6:10pm

I'm left with the feeling that because of how things started with GG that others here think it's doomed and he's bad and this will go nowhere.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 9:07pm

Jennie,

I don't think there's really a *right* time to sleep with someone, it's just what's right for you. I think the advice should be to do what feels right AND after you've taken the time to get to know the person a little, so you know if you're interested in him further or not. I know myself that sex clouds my judgement a lot, so I took it slower with J than I *normally* would have because I wanted to make sure I was really seeing what I was, and not just smitten because of sex.

I would never berate someone for doing what they feel is best for *them*, even if it wasn't what I would do. I can give my advice, I can share my experiences, and I can be supportive- but I would never think less of someone because they didn't follow my advice. Nor would I say "I told you so" and walk away. Everyone makes choices, whether they are good or they are mistakes, and everyone needs their friends to be there for them to pick up the pieces or just to give a hug. I can disagree with everything you did, Jennie, but I would NEVER think less of you and I would be there for you until the end, that's the kind of person I am.

So, maybe things won't go anywhere with this guy, but you can't beat yourself up about what you shoulda/ coulda/ woulda done differently to change the outcome. You just try again the next time if this time doesn't work out. You said so yourself, you learn from the experience and you apply that knowledge to the next one.

I think you're doing a great job!

(((HUGS)))

Alison, mom to Nicolas


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 1:07am

My experience with women is that many of them view sex as a right that they have. If a man doesn't have sex with them, they view that as him trying to control the relationship and deny them a right that they have by nature. By no means is this is a majority of the dating women, but it is a large enough number that it has given a sort of definition to the dating scene that has kept me very wary. Even those who don't make those demands often have some sense of it in the way that they interact with men. There is a sexual flavor to dating that was not there when I was younger.

I am glad to know that both men and women are starting to see the problems that go along with easy sexuality.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 1:26am

There are a lot of different reasons that people have sex. It sounds like you're learning some things about yourself that you weren't aware of before. That's a good thing, it lets you make decisions based on your knowledge. Also, in a "safe" situation, it can be a good thing to have sex to reduce anxiety. Say that you are committed to each other or marriage, having sex can be a reassurance and allows some anxiety inducing topics to be discussed more safely.

We all come from different backgrounds and it's a learning road. In this relationship, it sounds like you've already made some decisions that you're happier with than you were in the past, and that's a real sign of growth.

By the way, I have known some people who had sex the very first time they met and wound up happily married very soon afterwards. If we had a set of rules that absolutely worked evey single time for every single person, then life would be a whole lot easier.

Michael

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