Making out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Making out
29
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 10:56pm

Fivesense brought up an interesting topic in one of the threads on this board.

She writes, "At my age, I avoid make-out sessions if I don't intend to have sex with the guy. Kissing, hand holding, and staying out of situations where sex can happen, makes it easier for me to say no and keep my answer no. I wouldn't like it if a man suggested having sex with me before the second date."

Interestingly, I have seen this SAME topic discussed, with exactly the same thoughts, by some women on the Single Parents and Dating board. It is becoming more popular to really hold back, remain almost chaste and then be able to think straight about what you want and where a relationship should go.

I welcome everyone's thoughts on this matter. I thought it would be a good question and discussion for our week.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:11am

I know.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 2:51pm

Jennie:

I know I am getting into this discussion late, so I'm not going to debate the topic of when someone should have sex with someone because I feel that is up to the two individuals and their particular circumstances. I just wanted to offer some support to you. It's funny that you mentioned that you haven't heard anything positive from anyone but Judy. That's because I'm not on the board every day. I was meaning to respond to your post about GG and talking about sex, etc., but I didn't get around to it. Had I responded back then, what I would have said was that I thought you were handling the situation very well, and that I wouldn't have done anything different. I know we don't have the same backgrounds, but I do know that we are similar in one way. I, too, am a very passionate and sexual person, and I also had a husband that didn't much care for sex. I came into my sexual being when I was dating after my divorce. I've seen what great sex can be like, and I don't ever want to go back to bad sex, ever again. Truly, I don't think there is anything wrong with that, or anything wrong with you or me.

As far as lack of support, that's ok too. When I contemplated getting back together with Mark, almost everyone on the board said not to do it. I think only Judy and a few others said I should give him a second chance. Well, I did, and you know the story of how it came out. But that's ok because I have no regrets, at all. I had a great time, which I will always remember. Not that it matters, but I want to mention that Mark and I slept together on the 3rd date (which at the time was much faster than I usually move). I think our sex was the best compared to anyone I was ever with. But I know that having sex on the third date had absolutely nothing to do with us breaking up -- not even close. So just because you have sex with someone early on in a relationship, that doesn't make the relationship doomed -- not at all. I was with Mark a total of a year and a half.

I think it's great that you are honest about who you are and your sexuality. And, this is only my opinion, but when a person is very passionate it's hard to say no. I haven't been on a real date (except for lunch dates) since Mark and I have broken up. I just know myself. When, and if, I ever get into a dating situation again, it will be hard for me to put the brakes on if I start to like someone. I tend to fall fast, and that is one downfall that I have that I am working on.

I wish you and GG the best of luck. And I hope you do continue to post about him. It gives people like me hope.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 12:32am

Thank you Donna.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 9:55am

I live in an area of high divorce, lots of activities, and at least a 4 to 1 ratio of girls to guys. Men are like kids in a candy shop. After speaking with my single guy neighbor yesterday he told me that it is almost a sure thing that you can sleep with a woman on a first or second date. I am sad that women choose to try to win a man with an act rather than with her heart. One younger single gal told me that if she doesnt sleep with a man that she is interested in then the next girl will and how do you compete?! I was in a 3.5 year relationship that ended in May and I have been on a lot of first dates but I have yet to have sex. I refuse to give such a special gift away. Often at the end of the date I look like the Heisman Trophy and my date like an octopus with hands everywhere and an open mouth coming at me like its going to eat my face. I am so digusted at the selection I have available to me. I have given up on dating for now and spend time with friends. If I meet a man he is going to have to fall through the roof of my house and on to my living room couch because I am not going out looking for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:01pm

I like to respond to posts like yours to let women know that men have some of the same issues. I don't know your area, but I figure that for every single woman, there should be a single man. I think though, that a lot of single men give up on women pretty quickly. I know quite a few men that I think are really decent, guys that don't believe in easy sex, guys that wouldn't feel comfortable having or trying to get sex early in a relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of these guys seem to have just given up on women. They find that they are "comfortable" with their lives, they are busy with work and perhaps their children. When I talk with them, they talk about how women are more trouble than they are worth.

I don't agree with that, but I think that decent single men are pretty much doing what you are talking about, staying to themselves and no longer seeking out women. I don't have any suggestions about how to meet these decent guys. I just don't know what the solution is. They normally don't get involved in anything except their kids' lives.

I do wonder sometimes if women don't seem to be more attracted to guys that are trouble than they are to guys that are low-key homebodies. When I see the nice guys go out with the danger boys, the danger boys are the ones that always seem to attract the women.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 3:23pm

Hi Michael,Every women has been attracted to the bad boy type because there is something real rewarding and powerful about taming one and making him fall in love with just you. It also like riding a bull...it will be a rough ride and once you fall off hope you can pick yourself up without some clown coming around to confuse you more.

If I had to give a man advice I would say...If you feel like kissing or touching someone your out with...Ask permission. there is something respectful and charming about this. If the woman is at all interested she will be flattered and willing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:56am

There are two different views of the guys that cause so many problems for women. Women call them "bad boys" and romanticize them. Most men refer to them as "jerks" and don't want to associate with them.

Normally, people don't change very much over time. If someone is a jerk before you get married or "involved", then they are going to be jerks later on, too. Drama, yelling, suspicion, lack of dependability - they often seem to be parts of highly charged, romantic relationships. But they make lousy qualities for a partner. Decent men don't like those qualities in women, why do women seem attracted to them in men? Although, I guess that this is getting off the topic of "making out".

Strangely, a lot of men that I know seem to feel that the woman is the one that initiated making out and (when the relationship turns bad) often seem to feel that it was a form of "entrapment". Whether they are right or wrong about the woman initiating things, when a woman takes things slow it does seem to keep suspicions down and help to build a sense of trust.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:54am
Decent men are hard to find and although women tend to be with men that treat them less than perfect, we all really want a true love. I guess its a matter of changing someones cognative thinking patterns. Back to the "making out" I would never initiate physical contact myself but if my date and I were getting to that point I would perfer he ask permission to say, "kiss" me. That is respectful and charming.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:13pm

Michael,


I agree with your post.


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