Man oh Man does my family need prayers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Man oh Man does my family need prayers
9
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:14am

My SS does not want me in his life.

CL-Entrepreneurial Women

Business Impressions, LLC

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:20am

Him moving out with his son is the most absurd thing I've ever heard of. What is that going to teach his son? What does it teach his son to have a step-parent that he is allowed to ignore? It's not like there is abuse, this is a tantrum over dss saying he doesn't like you, right? Teenagers change and sometimes become little monsters for a few years, but parent shouldn't bend over backwards to accomodate their demands like that. Who is running the show?

I will pray for you that your marriage can survive this. I think that not only should dss be in counseling, but your dh (and possibly you together) should see a counselor experienced in problem teenagers so you can learn the best ways to cope with what dss is doing. I am thinking that doing whatever dss wishes is going to do more harm that good, and maybe if a counselor told your dh that, and what he *should* do in order to not tear the entire family apart that might help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:14am

"I'm to have no relationship while he lives here.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 9:13am

I certainly will say prayers for you. Your DH needs to speak with a counselor. It would be absolutely wrong and disfunctional of him to move out with his son. It would wreak havoc on your relationship with your husband and then what would happen? His son would move on and leave his dad far behind.

Your SS has got to step up to the plate and live like a normal person under the same roof with you and the rest of the family. It's wrong of your SS to make so much trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 9:38am

I agree with this post. The SS has to live by your rules when he is under your roof. I think maybe he is just going through a bad time with getting settled to the changes.

Counseling is in order - and see if you can find another board where others have gone through the same thing.

I hope everything will be okay soon.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:33am

Marilyn,


I'll be thinking of you. I think C has his priorities severely mixed up, and he's missing a VERY important step in parenting his son. The part where he lets him try to fly out of the nest on his own as every child must eventually. (Though in all honesty, were I his mother or father, I'd be giving him a boot out of the nest for disrespecting authority and my spouse in such a disgraceful manner. He'd be gone. If he's such a grown up, then he can certainly spread his wings elsewhere)


Marilyn, I hope you call TODAY for counseling for YOU and hopefully C as well. If he won't go with you, you need to go on your own. This is such a mixed up bad situation and it's not you. You are not making the bad choices. But I think you need someone else as a sounding board to help you see the situation more clearly and to make some good choices in the middle of it, without being crushed. You've gained so much confidence in the last few years. I don't want to see your hard work on YOU be undone.


I sincerely hope C does not move out. But mostly , I hope he goes with you to some counseling.


Hug hug hug. What a horrible mess.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:39am

Additionally, re: your ss. You said "I don't know who he is and I can't believe that his selfish action is going to ruin 5 peoples lives here"


I have to say I think MOST parents, both bio and step will see their kids go through a stage where they say "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!! YOU ARE NOT WHO I RAISED YOU TO BE!!!!"


The KEY here is that they NOT ever be allowed to take down an entire family structure with their poor poor attitudes and choices. They can take themselves down. Every human being on the face of this earth has that right. But you and C MUST have a united front in this. You cannot allow Brian to ruin your family.


I think counseling is an absolute must if you're to make it through this. J and I keep talking about how hard our "blended family" is with just the two of us. The divorce rates for blended families is outrageous. The ones who make it only do so because A) they are not in denial. They know how hard it is, and will be. They know the odd's are stacked against them and B) They are completely united in how they tackle the situation and I think usually C) they are under some good counsel. Whether it's an official therapist, or a family that "mentors" them through it, or they read good books with professional advice constantly.


It doesn't just work out like a fairy tale through sheer willpower. None of us are that strong. It takes work work work.


I know you know this. I am just trying to reinforce to you that it's NOT all your fault. You've done nothing wrong. And you are really not much different than any other family trying to get through what you're trying to get through. But you do need some professional help at this point.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 3:32pm

Hi everyonoe....


Thanks for all your words.

CL-Entrepreneurial Women

Business Impressions, LLC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 4:52pm

It is good that you are getting this sorted out. Try to move forward and not hold a grudge to SS. Maybe it would help if you and DH recalled all of the dumb things you did as a teenager. While SS's behavior is upsetting, he is going through the normal highs and lows of being a teenager. Having divorced parents and a blended family is hard for him too. Children of all ages always thrive when they are given guidelines and boundaries as well as encouragement, understanding and the building of self esteem.

Maybe you all need a fun activity that can help make everyone forget what you just went through.

I still think you need a counselor to help guide you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 5:22pm
The situation still isn't going to be easy, but this is a huge positive step. I am so glad your dh is standing up for you and for his family - it sends a positive message to his son even if his son doesn't appreciate it right now, he will eventually.

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