MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...
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| Wed, 10-15-2008 - 9:46am |
serious advice.
Not only because of the male perspective, but I met up with RF last night and OMG, I am seriously upset about the outcome.
You were totally right about how me saying what I said, made him think about if we did have problems and then he over analyzed the entire thing (darn, scorpion) and he turned it into such a snowball I was floored.
The main reason I need your advice is his soon to be X wife and your past marriage with your X wife. He talked to me about it last night and I felt like it was you talking. I wanted to cry because it seems his X has put some serious damage on him.
I guess from past conversations, she is a controlling person, but it seems that wasnt' the extent of it. RF told me that she would always make him feel bad and inadequate, no matter what he did. He told me that when I began to ask him last week if something was wrong, he felt bad and worried that I was disappointed, because he thought everything was great. However, he decided to shrug it off until I talked to him Monday night and questioned him about spending too much time together and that I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him to spend time with me, because he never asked me to spend time with him.
Anyway, obviously, he felt inadequate and bad that he disappointed me, which brought up past issues that his X made him feel. He suddenly started making me feel, that opening up and communicating with him, was going to always make him feel bad and inadequate. That wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted us to be on the same page.
He told me that he wants to be with me and with no one else. That he has strong feelings for me and would like to work on a long term relationship with me, but that we have to make it a healthy relationship and not one that is unhealthy. I told him that I can't live in the shadow of his soon to be X wife (they've been separated 18 months, divorce is final in November) and I cannot walk on egg shells, worrying if he is going to feel bad if I communicate my needs with him. I told him that I felt that it wouldn't be fair to me to feel like I have to watch my every move in fear of him breaking it off at some point, because I'm doing something that he feels reminds him of his X. UGH!
What did he do? He slowly got out his wallet, put money on the table and walked out. I followed him and he said, he can't believe I broke up with him and his head is spinning and he felt sick. That he was stunned that I broke up with him and that he can't talk to me anymore today. Then he got in his car and drove away, like a bat out of hell.
Now what do I do? I feel awful that he's going through these demons, but I am unsure if I can help him through this. I have my own demons of abandonement issues that I go through and last night I felt that if I didn't do exactly what he expected of me, that I would get the boot.
I need your wise advice, because I know you had some serious healing to do. Maybe a book that you suggest that I can give to him or something that I can say to him, to make him understand that his expectations of me, make me feel threatened as well.
WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!
Edited 10/15/2008 9:48 am ET by myprecioustwo

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Is S a Scorpion? Most men don't analyze, but Scorpion like women do, but then they go overboard and OVER OVER OVER analyze.
Geesh, I wish their was a balance between a man that NEVER thinks with one that OVER thinks. LOL
YES he's a SCORPIO and drives me CRAZY at times!
To learn, understand and guide one another into a healthy relationship (that both of us want and need).
I think that would be the best way to go...granted he will go there. The thing about walking on eggshells strikes a red flag nerve with me. You can't live like that, always jumping through hops to make sure he is emotionally OK. Its like trying to avoid land mines. How do you even know where those land mines are? You can't know! Its unfair for you take on the burden of trying you best not to upset him.
It sounds like he needs to heal and has issues to deal with. He can chose to let you in an you both can work on your stuff together. Bit if that is the case he has to realize that you will both make mistakes and he can't play the victim roll all the time. He has to learn that relationships can be painful and there will be bumps and hard knocks sometimes making things work. It can be emotionally scary and uncomfortable sometimes, but the pay off is being able to love one another safely and openly.
I feel that his walking out last night was also a sort of manipulation. He knew you would feel bad and sorry for him.
I hope that you can talk this out. I would wait to see if he calls you first. Because what you don't want to get into is a pattern where he goes off and sulks and you have to pull him out. He's got to take some responsibility and come out of his sulking cave on his own. Try and avoid the temptation to contact him and smooth things over. Because if you do you'll set up that dynamic. KWIM?
Ah yes, the dynamics! I once had a very connected and awesome relationship for 6 months with a scorpion man. We were so in sync, it was really scary. DON'T ask what happened! LOL
RF and I have that total bond going. And I can totally relate on his thought process more and more as I remember, he is a Scorpion. Alison can vouge for that one. It's hard to understand one, unless you are one. I swear it's true. My strongest friends and bonds in life are Scorpions and Taurus.
Playing the Victim and Manipulation game. Possible, very possible, but hard to tell with just one scene. I almost walked out twice last night without a word. LOL. Not to play victim or manipulation, but because I felt hurt and confused and wanted to get the hell out of the scene we were in. I chose to meet at a bar, so that neither us had to meet at our places. I felt we needed to meet in a "safe zone" and I NEEDED a beer! LOL. The place ended up really crowded for a Tuesday and hard to really talk. I think we both felt claustrophobic after awhile with all the regae music and loud people.
It was weird that he chose that place, but then I remember it was because that was the place were he told me later, he realized I was the one he wanted to be with. So it was a romantic gesture to get back to being together as a couple and instead it all went awry.
Still love that bar tho! :)
Anyway.... I know the phases of victimization and manipulation, so I will be looking out for that. I don't tolerate it whatsoever. I never felt bad or guilty last night when he walked out, just a little confused, but instead of me crying and hanging on him, I let him just leave. - like a bat out of hell.
I don't feel sorry for him. I feel bad that he went through what he's been through, but I've been through hell and back for as many years and his sob story doesn't move me enough to feel I have to fix him. That he has to do on his own. He can choose to work this out with me or not. He has to want to fix himself and I am not his crutch, band-aide or wheelchair. No one has ever been mine. I had to work through my issues with the help of this board, but in the end, it was me who had to get through it and learn to get past my past. I have no control over him, I only have control of myself, my actions and my choices and I won't allow him to try to control mine.
Feeling much better today, knowing, I'm in the right frame of mind and ready for whatever comes (I think).
Feeling much better today, knowing, I'm in the right frame of mind and ready for whatever comes (I think).
My strongest friends and bonds in life are Scorpions and Taurus.
Hey I'm a Taurus :o)
You sound very grounded and I can you've already got the radar on for the victimization signs. My hope is that he comes to realize that this is worth working through together. I've been through some turbulence with BE in our journey so far, but to make it work you have to ride out the storms.
Hugs!!!
The ebb and tide that Mark so often speaks of!
Balls in his court and not mine. He chooses to walk, his loss.
I guess there's no word from him yet?
Book recommendation?
I believe healing takes time and you cannot get that from a book.
Thanks for that! I however, believe that once you walk away, their is never a second chance. Healing cannot be marked on a time and therefore, I wouldn't find myself waiting forever for him, not knowing when that might be.
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