MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...
134
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 9:46am

serious advice.

Not only because of the male perspective, but I met up with RF last night and OMG, I am seriously upset about the outcome.

You were totally right about how me saying what I said, made him think about if we did have problems and then he over analyzed the entire thing (darn, scorpion) and he turned it into such a snowball I was floored.

The main reason I need your advice is his soon to be X wife and your past marriage with your X wife. He talked to me about it last night and I felt like it was you talking. I wanted to cry because it seems his X has put some serious damage on him.

I guess from past conversations, she is a controlling person, but it seems that wasnt' the extent of it. RF told me that she would always make him feel bad and inadequate, no matter what he did. He told me that when I began to ask him last week if something was wrong, he felt bad and worried that I was disappointed, because he thought everything was great. However, he decided to shrug it off until I talked to him Monday night and questioned him about spending too much time together and that I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him to spend time with me, because he never asked me to spend time with him.

Anyway, obviously, he felt inadequate and bad that he disappointed me, which brought up past issues that his X made him feel. He suddenly started making me feel, that opening up and communicating with him, was going to always make him feel bad and inadequate. That wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted us to be on the same page.

He told me that he wants to be with me and with no one else. That he has strong feelings for me and would like to work on a long term relationship with me, but that we have to make it a healthy relationship and not one that is unhealthy. I told him that I can't live in the shadow of his soon to be X wife (they've been separated 18 months, divorce is final in November) and I cannot walk on egg shells, worrying if he is going to feel bad if I communicate my needs with him. I told him that I felt that it wouldn't be fair to me to feel like I have to watch my every move in fear of him breaking it off at some point, because I'm doing something that he feels reminds him of his X. UGH!

What did he do? He slowly got out his wallet, put money on the table and walked out. I followed him and he said, he can't believe I broke up with him and his head is spinning and he felt sick. That he was stunned that I broke up with him and that he can't talk to me anymore today. Then he got in his car and drove away, like a bat out of hell.

Now what do I do? I feel awful that he's going through these demons, but I am unsure if I can help him through this. I have my own demons of abandonement issues that I go through and last night I felt that if I didn't do exactly what he expected of me, that I would get the boot.

I need your wise advice, because I know you had some serious healing to do. Maybe a book that you suggest that I can give to him or something that I can say to him, to make him understand that his expectations of me, make me feel threatened as well.

WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!




Edited 10/15/2008 9:48 am ET by myprecioustwo

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 7:41pm

Hi my precious. I'd like to add my two cents about what happened with your boyfriend. I know that for a long time after my kid's dad and I separated (ultimately divorced), I did not want to work out any problems with a guy since my marraige had been so difficult, and I felt that if I was going to work out any problems, it would be with the guy I divorced. I just was way to fragile to negotiate any kind of compromise. If I was interested in someone, and I felt he let me down, that was it. It's only been two years for me, so I'm still there for the most part. Working something out with another person takes risk, and also can bring two people closer. It feels safer for me to just stop communicating and move on.


By your post, I see that this guy really seems to be into you. He is probably really wanting you to be happy with him and the relationship, and when you tried to express your point of not wanting to walk on eggshells, he felt criticized and totally over reacted. I haven't read through this whole thread, but what he needs is time to himself to figure things out for himself before he can re-engage with you. It is tough to leave a man alone when they need time, but that is they way he is going to be able to get a grip in my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 8:09pm

One more Alison>


Me - Leo


CK - Capricorn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 8:18pm

oooooo... and not a good one!

Capricorn- if they had a motto it would be: slow and steady wins the race.

Leo will jump at the chance to do something, sometimes without thinking it out fully so that could be a big bone of contention for you guys.

The boy

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 8:27pm

That is so funny!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 8:34pm

The good thing about Capricorns is that when they decide to do something they will do it, downside is that it may take a LIFETIME to do it!

LOL!

The boy

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 8:41pm
Sweetky and Ihave the same birthday. What is a good sign for leos?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 8:53pm

Depends what you're looking for in a partner. If you want a fiery sexual relationship, then another fire sign is good- sag or aries... a fun relationship go for an air sign- libra, aquarius or gemini... a solid one taurus, cap or virgo.

The boy

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 9:01pm

Thanks Ali,


My exh is a Taurus but I think mental illness skews the results :)

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 9:06pm
Hugs to you first, because I know how hard it is to get over something so difficult when it was bad for so long. I've been alone for 8 years working on the pain that was mentally inflicted on me. However, I can't go through those things again, no matter how much I care for him. I can't be someone's crutch or band-aide. I'm not a therapist, I can give advice and support, but I'm not a therapist. And they can't take pain away either, they can only help you heal. ANYWHOOOOO, my point is, I really wanted to yesterday, but then the constant back and forth with him, no matter what I did or said. If I said Yes he then No and then vice versa. It became too much and in the end I had to agree with Mark. It was sooo hard to walk away on one hand, but then on the other hand he seemed to play this game of poor me victim and pathetic. Twisting things around again and again. I have been a basket case plenty of times and this time I saw what one can really looks like and it made me realize how I must have turned off quite a few men, doing the same in the past. Geesh, it's exhausting.
I'm sorry he has issues, but i have two children that need me and I don't need a third, no matter how much I liked him otherwise. Maybe he will come around in 6 months or a year, but I highly doubt, after 3 days of pure nightmare stress that he'll have his issues solved. I think they run very deep and it'll take a long time for him to heal and progress. It took me eight and I'm still working on them. Mark and I discussed the FOO earlier in the thread. Very very interesting. I have decided to make that my mission as I turn 37 in a few weeks and always have a New Birthday resolution verses New Years.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 9:09pm
My X is also a Taurus and has mental health issues (split personality disorder and complusive lying - btw, I'm not joking. :( ) - So although we got along splendid for several years, I think that his health issues created the rest of the negativity.

Pages