MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...
134
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 9:46am

serious advice.

Not only because of the male perspective, but I met up with RF last night and OMG, I am seriously upset about the outcome.

You were totally right about how me saying what I said, made him think about if we did have problems and then he over analyzed the entire thing (darn, scorpion) and he turned it into such a snowball I was floored.

The main reason I need your advice is his soon to be X wife and your past marriage with your X wife. He talked to me about it last night and I felt like it was you talking. I wanted to cry because it seems his X has put some serious damage on him.

I guess from past conversations, she is a controlling person, but it seems that wasnt' the extent of it. RF told me that she would always make him feel bad and inadequate, no matter what he did. He told me that when I began to ask him last week if something was wrong, he felt bad and worried that I was disappointed, because he thought everything was great. However, he decided to shrug it off until I talked to him Monday night and questioned him about spending too much time together and that I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him to spend time with me, because he never asked me to spend time with him.

Anyway, obviously, he felt inadequate and bad that he disappointed me, which brought up past issues that his X made him feel. He suddenly started making me feel, that opening up and communicating with him, was going to always make him feel bad and inadequate. That wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted us to be on the same page.

He told me that he wants to be with me and with no one else. That he has strong feelings for me and would like to work on a long term relationship with me, but that we have to make it a healthy relationship and not one that is unhealthy. I told him that I can't live in the shadow of his soon to be X wife (they've been separated 18 months, divorce is final in November) and I cannot walk on egg shells, worrying if he is going to feel bad if I communicate my needs with him. I told him that I felt that it wouldn't be fair to me to feel like I have to watch my every move in fear of him breaking it off at some point, because I'm doing something that he feels reminds him of his X. UGH!

What did he do? He slowly got out his wallet, put money on the table and walked out. I followed him and he said, he can't believe I broke up with him and his head is spinning and he felt sick. That he was stunned that I broke up with him and that he can't talk to me anymore today. Then he got in his car and drove away, like a bat out of hell.

Now what do I do? I feel awful that he's going through these demons, but I am unsure if I can help him through this. I have my own demons of abandonement issues that I go through and last night I felt that if I didn't do exactly what he expected of me, that I would get the boot.

I need your wise advice, because I know you had some serious healing to do. Maybe a book that you suggest that I can give to him or something that I can say to him, to make him understand that his expectations of me, make me feel threatened as well.

WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!




Edited 10/15/2008 9:48 am ET by myprecioustwo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 9:16pm

You don't want to be alone because you NEED that emotional connection with someone.


And this is why my faith plays a huge part!! I get my

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 9:17pm

Capricorn- if they had a motto it would be: slow and steady wins the race.


You mean like a turtle? :P

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 9:21pm
Haha yes, like a turtle :P
The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 9:36pm
Hey Loonybunny. I give my confusion and overwhelm to God on a daily basis and ask for peace of mind in return. At night when I can't sleep because I'm afraid I'm withering on the vine and won't meet anyone new to love until I can no longer attract anyone, I try to focus my mind on the fact that I know that I have put out into the universe that I want someone to love that will love me back and the two of us will be able to make a life together, and that I know that God WILL NOT LET ME DOWN. I know that my marraiges did not fail because I'm a shallow, immature person, my marraiges failed because the men I chose had some deal breaking issues that they refused to seek help for, and as a mother I cannot live with myself if I don't protect my babies!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 9:44pm

AMEN! forget horoscopes. let's highjack this thread and create a praise Jesus Fest.. :-)


yes, speak it and claim it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 10:08pm
Yes my ex was diagnosed with schyzo-affective disorder. the behavior changed gradually.:(
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 10:12pm
YUP, same here, it's sad isn't it? :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 1:09pm

BE must have so Capricorn in him or something. He is ssloooooww to get something started (because he can be a perfectionist and wont rush any thing) but then when he starts it he will not leave it undone. Slow start er but consistant and follows through.


This is the polar opposite of my Cancer ex, how would jump in fast, do stuff half a$$ed, then not finish it.


I have a quarky thing where I do a thorough job on a project..except I usually leave just one tiny detail undone. Like a thorough cleaning of the kitchen but I'll leave one cup in the sink. And I will get every assignment done at work but leave one memo to finish. I guess I like knowing I always have something more to do rather than having things final.


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 8:16pm

At night when I can't sleep because I'm afraid I'm withering on the vine and won't meet anyone new to love until I can no longer attract anyone,


OMG I have these exact same thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 8:40pm
Hi Moon! I try to console myself with the thought that if I don't meet the right person for a long term commitment until I'm 50 y/o, at least there is a good chance I could still have a long marraige. :) I don't care for the dating world, and it's not any easier than when I've been trying it when I was younger. God doesn't change though, and it's a huge comfort for me to know that.

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