MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...
134
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 9:46am

serious advice.

Not only because of the male perspective, but I met up with RF last night and OMG, I am seriously upset about the outcome.

You were totally right about how me saying what I said, made him think about if we did have problems and then he over analyzed the entire thing (darn, scorpion) and he turned it into such a snowball I was floored.

The main reason I need your advice is his soon to be X wife and your past marriage with your X wife. He talked to me about it last night and I felt like it was you talking. I wanted to cry because it seems his X has put some serious damage on him.

I guess from past conversations, she is a controlling person, but it seems that wasnt' the extent of it. RF told me that she would always make him feel bad and inadequate, no matter what he did. He told me that when I began to ask him last week if something was wrong, he felt bad and worried that I was disappointed, because he thought everything was great. However, he decided to shrug it off until I talked to him Monday night and questioned him about spending too much time together and that I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him to spend time with me, because he never asked me to spend time with him.

Anyway, obviously, he felt inadequate and bad that he disappointed me, which brought up past issues that his X made him feel. He suddenly started making me feel, that opening up and communicating with him, was going to always make him feel bad and inadequate. That wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted us to be on the same page.

He told me that he wants to be with me and with no one else. That he has strong feelings for me and would like to work on a long term relationship with me, but that we have to make it a healthy relationship and not one that is unhealthy. I told him that I can't live in the shadow of his soon to be X wife (they've been separated 18 months, divorce is final in November) and I cannot walk on egg shells, worrying if he is going to feel bad if I communicate my needs with him. I told him that I felt that it wouldn't be fair to me to feel like I have to watch my every move in fear of him breaking it off at some point, because I'm doing something that he feels reminds him of his X. UGH!

What did he do? He slowly got out his wallet, put money on the table and walked out. I followed him and he said, he can't believe I broke up with him and his head is spinning and he felt sick. That he was stunned that I broke up with him and that he can't talk to me anymore today. Then he got in his car and drove away, like a bat out of hell.

Now what do I do? I feel awful that he's going through these demons, but I am unsure if I can help him through this. I have my own demons of abandonement issues that I go through and last night I felt that if I didn't do exactly what he expected of me, that I would get the boot.

I need your wise advice, because I know you had some serious healing to do. Maybe a book that you suggest that I can give to him or something that I can say to him, to make him understand that his expectations of me, make me feel threatened as well.

WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!




Edited 10/15/2008 9:48 am ET by myprecioustwo

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 7:29am

This is true!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 10:55am
We can still date younger men Isy. I'm 41, and this summer was dating a 33 year old. I think that my age is a deterent, but that if I meet and interact with a guy in person, I can get a guy younger than me if I want. I won't date anyone in their 20's any more thought because they just don't have enough life experience for me to be attracted to them. I did date guys in their 20's when I was in my 30's and and hadn't met my kid's dad yet. He is 3 1/2 yrs. younger than me BTW.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 11:17am
Oh I know I could date younger guys, but really I'm looking for a stable relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 11:45am
No way sweetie! You have totally earned your preferences! I was just trying to cheer you up by pointing out that those of us 38 and above CAN get a younger guy if we want too, and that it's not just the guys going younger. I was sensing by your post that your nervousness might endanger your current good thing, and I want you to be confident in your awesomeness which will make your guy much more likely to know that he has it good and not likely to wander or take you for granted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 12:02pm

Oh I know, I totally know my value.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 12:39pm

So many personal ads from men my age (38) cut off their desired woman's age at 38 or 39...mainly if they want kids. I hate that. It makes me feel old and used up....


Not that I'm dating right now or want to (still not divorced)....but I do look....then I go eat a 1/2 gallon of Ben & Jerry's ice cream ;) Hee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 12:45pm
The gym is my friend!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 2:37pm
Ok...this thread got me curious. I am Aquarius but it turns out me rising sign is Scorpio; I guess that goes to show why I attract them. My moon sign is Gemini so I guess the Air sign is still more dominant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1998
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 5:16pm

>>I was told that Scorpions only fit to Cancer. Soo not true. The truth is, we dont' fit to anyone, not even our own. LOL. We are the most difficult sign to fit.
WE ROCK IN BED, but not in relationships!!! I often wish I was another sign, so I wouldn't exude the sexuality, but men just think "bed, bed, bed.." when they are with me. Hard to say no too. We are just overly sexual. SIGH. Believe it or not, it is a curse!>>

Oh gee. I'm a Scorpio too ..... not much hope eh! LOL
I was married to a Pisces for 21 years, so it sounds like that was one of the better matches!

All (or "Horoscope Guru" LOL) how would I get on with a Capricorn? I know somewhere you said they were slow & steady, well this one doesn't seem to be! LOL

Oh & Cat I'm sorry for what his idiot of a man did to you. {{{hugs}}}

Tracy

Living in Adelaide, South Australia


CL of
~ Aussie & Kiwi Mums ~


Email me!


 



Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 5:29pm

Hey Ali,


Pages