MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...
134
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 9:46am

serious advice.

Not only because of the male perspective, but I met up with RF last night and OMG, I am seriously upset about the outcome.

You were totally right about how me saying what I said, made him think about if we did have problems and then he over analyzed the entire thing (darn, scorpion) and he turned it into such a snowball I was floored.

The main reason I need your advice is his soon to be X wife and your past marriage with your X wife. He talked to me about it last night and I felt like it was you talking. I wanted to cry because it seems his X has put some serious damage on him.

I guess from past conversations, she is a controlling person, but it seems that wasnt' the extent of it. RF told me that she would always make him feel bad and inadequate, no matter what he did. He told me that when I began to ask him last week if something was wrong, he felt bad and worried that I was disappointed, because he thought everything was great. However, he decided to shrug it off until I talked to him Monday night and questioned him about spending too much time together and that I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him to spend time with me, because he never asked me to spend time with him.

Anyway, obviously, he felt inadequate and bad that he disappointed me, which brought up past issues that his X made him feel. He suddenly started making me feel, that opening up and communicating with him, was going to always make him feel bad and inadequate. That wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted us to be on the same page.

He told me that he wants to be with me and with no one else. That he has strong feelings for me and would like to work on a long term relationship with me, but that we have to make it a healthy relationship and not one that is unhealthy. I told him that I can't live in the shadow of his soon to be X wife (they've been separated 18 months, divorce is final in November) and I cannot walk on egg shells, worrying if he is going to feel bad if I communicate my needs with him. I told him that I felt that it wouldn't be fair to me to feel like I have to watch my every move in fear of him breaking it off at some point, because I'm doing something that he feels reminds him of his X. UGH!

What did he do? He slowly got out his wallet, put money on the table and walked out. I followed him and he said, he can't believe I broke up with him and his head is spinning and he felt sick. That he was stunned that I broke up with him and that he can't talk to me anymore today. Then he got in his car and drove away, like a bat out of hell.

Now what do I do? I feel awful that he's going through these demons, but I am unsure if I can help him through this. I have my own demons of abandonement issues that I go through and last night I felt that if I didn't do exactly what he expected of me, that I would get the boot.

I need your wise advice, because I know you had some serious healing to do. Maybe a book that you suggest that I can give to him or something that I can say to him, to make him understand that his expectations of me, make me feel threatened as well.

WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!




Edited 10/15/2008 9:48 am ET by myprecioustwo

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 4:34pm

Believe me, I completely understand and get what you say and I thank you for that. However, I am not saying that I am not going into this without keeping my eyes wide open. Remember? I'm notorious for dumping every guy without a second chance. I'm just giving this guy an option for a second one and if I notice this is going to continue and he isn't going to seek help, I'm gone. This is something that he didn't even realize was a problem until I pointed out and then he had the AHA moment. So we'll see what he even says. He might just tell me to eat my grits and then it is what it is, but I can walk away knowing I tried my best.

and if I remember correctly, you did the same thing with Cute Widow a few months ago. Letting her issues affect you. ;) But you didn't give up right away. So just trust me that I will do what's best for me and for my kids; always.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 4:40pm

Not to hijack this thread..But

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 4:48pm

You're telling me!

I can see now what happened with BG- all makes sense :)

Aquarian men don't want to have to give themselves to only one woman- they want to be there for everyone (no, not as a player)... but the woman they devote themselves to (after a swift kick in the @ss) will be cherished! I can see the changes that he made weren't just to get you back and then be dismissed- he truly will be your knight in shining armour :)

The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 5:07pm

Well said. Hopefully he replies that he feels the same.

And then you can both go back to admiration and over analyzing :P

The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 5:27pm

I hate beating a dead horse here, but...

When I was seeing Mr. Summer Romance, he would go on and on about how he'd been hurt (who hasn't?). He didn't like serial daters (who does?). He met a lot of people who were just downright mean (haven't we all?). He had a very disfunctional relationship with his ex (how do you live in the same city, have a kid together, and NOT speak to each other for six years?)

OK, my point is, that when I stated out loud what I needed, and I am not even saying I needed anything really heavy, he headed for the hills and didn't speak to me for weeks. So, in essence, when I stated my needs, I became too "something" for him. Despite him saying that we were friends, he wanted to get closer, etc. if he wasn't in control of the events/timing/whatever he was going to "punish" me.

When he called again, and we were going to resume seeing each other, he wouldn't return phone calls or texts in a polite timely manner, cancelled dates at the last minute...

No one should be punished for saying what is on their mind. If that is the kind of person he is, yes, he probably has major good points, but if you can't be you, only one of you is getting what you want.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 5:29pm

No one should be punished for saying what is on their mind. If that is the kind of person he is, yes, he probably has major good points, but if you can't be you, only one of you is getting what you want.

SOOOOOO TRUE AND EXACTLY WHAT I SAID TO HIM LAST NIGHT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 5:53pm

Cat, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 6:14pm

I know you see the value in RF and your letter is very thoughtful, He's a lucky guy to have you wanting to even go there with him. I wish you the best of luck. I hope things work... that being said be sure to remain true to yourself and be wary of finding yourself holding back in order to keep the peace or not scare him. BE once said that he can't stand it when I walk away or just leave the room when I am angry. But how can I not react how I react? To me it seemed like he was "allowed" to hurt me but I was not "allowed" to react naturally. I just cant stifle my emotions and feelings like that. So I said "when you are hurt or angry you pull away and distance from me. That hurts me as much as my walking away from a disagreement hurts you. So why are you allowed to react your way and I'm not allowed to react my way? He finally "got" it. Just be careful to not feel that you have to curb your feelings and reactions to protect him so much that you are numbed to your own feelings.


Hugs!!!!! Wishing you the very best!

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 7:04pm

The announcement and conclusion to the drama. I can now move on:

Catherine,

Thank you for explaining all of that and sharing your feelings.

We have known each other for just three weeks. Even though we have strong feelings for each other, letting our relationship progress at such a rapid pace hasn't been the wisest thing to do. I accept responsibility for this. I have wanted to feel these feelings for a long time.

I haven't sorted out all of my thoughts and feelings yet. But moving forward with my life the way it is now, I don't think I can be anyone's boyfriend right now. I thought I could, but now I don't. I am sorry for that. And I understand that it may be an all-or-nothing deal for you.

I think we should take deep breaths and think more about things. Then, if you still want to go out with me, we can take it a step at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 7:12pm

Bah.


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