MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...
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| Wed, 10-15-2008 - 9:46am |
serious advice.
Not only because of the male perspective, but I met up with RF last night and OMG, I am seriously upset about the outcome.
You were totally right about how me saying what I said, made him think about if we did have problems and then he over analyzed the entire thing (darn, scorpion) and he turned it into such a snowball I was floored.
The main reason I need your advice is his soon to be X wife and your past marriage with your X wife. He talked to me about it last night and I felt like it was you talking. I wanted to cry because it seems his X has put some serious damage on him.
I guess from past conversations, she is a controlling person, but it seems that wasnt' the extent of it. RF told me that she would always make him feel bad and inadequate, no matter what he did. He told me that when I began to ask him last week if something was wrong, he felt bad and worried that I was disappointed, because he thought everything was great. However, he decided to shrug it off until I talked to him Monday night and questioned him about spending too much time together and that I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him to spend time with me, because he never asked me to spend time with him.
Anyway, obviously, he felt inadequate and bad that he disappointed me, which brought up past issues that his X made him feel. He suddenly started making me feel, that opening up and communicating with him, was going to always make him feel bad and inadequate. That wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted us to be on the same page.
He told me that he wants to be with me and with no one else. That he has strong feelings for me and would like to work on a long term relationship with me, but that we have to make it a healthy relationship and not one that is unhealthy. I told him that I can't live in the shadow of his soon to be X wife (they've been separated 18 months, divorce is final in November) and I cannot walk on egg shells, worrying if he is going to feel bad if I communicate my needs with him. I told him that I felt that it wouldn't be fair to me to feel like I have to watch my every move in fear of him breaking it off at some point, because I'm doing something that he feels reminds him of his X. UGH!
What did he do? He slowly got out his wallet, put money on the table and walked out. I followed him and he said, he can't believe I broke up with him and his head is spinning and he felt sick. That he was stunned that I broke up with him and that he can't talk to me anymore today. Then he got in his car and drove away, like a bat out of hell.
Now what do I do? I feel awful that he's going through these demons, but I am unsure if I can help him through this. I have my own demons of abandonement issues that I go through and last night I felt that if I didn't do exactly what he expected of me, that I would get the boot.
I need your wise advice, because I know you had some serious healing to do. Maybe a book that you suggest that I can give to him or something that I can say to him, to make him understand that his expectations of me, make me feel threatened as well.
WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!
Edited 10/15/2008 9:48 am ET by myprecioustwo

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Booo Hiss Boooo!
I take it you're walking away from this one?
I don't like that he says he can't be a bf to you, and then states that if you still want to out with him... sounds like a disclaimer sentence coming on!!!
BOOOO!!!
ARGH! Why do they have to come on so strong, only to do a complete 180?
We're told to take their lead, so as not to scare them off, and when we do, they back off and say they want to go slow.
I'm sorry boys, you can't have it both ways. That isn't playing fair.
I spend all day teaching that concept to 4, 5 and 6 year olds. Maybe I have to double emphasize it for the boys LOL!
Well, I didn't let the email fly. I made him see me and tell me in person, so I could chalk it off and then get my stuff that I loaned him and leave.
UGH, another disaster. He wasn't around, because he went to work out. In the meantime, I decided to get to the nearest bar and get rip roarin drunk, because I figured he wasn't going to show up. OOPS. :) I haven't eaten so two beers made me very woozy when HE called. I hung up, walked across the street to his place (how convenient) and just tried to be calm, but became very unglued. Had my say about how ridiculous all of this was and how I thought he was playing around and shouldn't be on OLD. How women like us are serious about finding the right one in our life, not a bunch of men, who say they are ready for a LTR, then get laid and realize, they aren't ready at all once they have been. Then I got a little on the poor me the victim syndrom and walked out. Of course, I let him see me cry, but oh well. It is what it is.
I hope that it's over. I don't want to hear from him anymore. I'm very disappointed and bruised and shocked at how something so small, became such an avalanche, but I'm ok. Which tells me that I am ok. Not freaked out, not throwing a tantrum, not crying the Mississippi River, but I'm ok.
But I hope it's ok if I'm allowed to shed a couple of tears.
Well, I didn't let the email fly. I made him see me and tell me in person, so I could chalk it off and then get my stuff that I loaned him and leave.
UGH, another disaster. He wasn't around, because he went to work out. In the meantime, I decided to get to the nearest bar and get rip roarin drunk, because I figured he wasn't going to show up. OOPS. :) I haven't eaten so two beers made me very woozy when HE called. I hung up, walked across the street to his place (how convenient) and just tried to be calm, but became very unglued. Had my say about how ridiculous all of this was and how I thought he was playing around and shouldn't be on OLD. How women like us are serious about finding the right one in our life, not a bunch of men, who say they are ready for a LTR, then get laid and realize, they aren't ready at all once they have been. Then I got a little on the poor me the victim syndrom and walked out. Of course, I let him see me cry, but oh well. It is what it is.
I hope that it's over. I don't want to hear from him anymore. I'm very disappointed and bruised and shocked at how something so small, became such an avalanche, but I'm ok. Which tells me that I am ok. Not freaked out, not throwing a tantrum, not crying the Mississippi River, but I'm ok.
See Mark? After reading his wishy washy email again, listening to his lame excuses at his place, I just shook my head, wished him good luck and went SEE YA!
But I hope it's ok if I'm allowed to shed a couple of tears? It's been a long two days!!!
Shed away!
I'm glad you got your say: and BOOO HISS to him!
I know you had a few flags pop up when he started showing what a worry wart he was... glad to know before you got in too deep that he runs at the first sign of conflict.
Who needs him?
What's the plan now?
{{{{HUGGGGGGSSSSS}}}}
Good for you for stating your truth in person, face-to-face, being real and honest right to him.
Take care. Get a good night's rest. Tomorrow's another day and we'll be here.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
1 quick note b4 i delve into his emial to you - You mentioned in your letter, you dont want to "fail" him. Sweetie, PEOPLE dont FAIL people in relationships (in this type of thing) .,... you are who YOU are & if 2 of you dont fit, its not anyones failure.
Ok - this response from him? He doesnt know which end is up?
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