MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
MARK!!!! Where are you?? I need your...
134
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 9:46am

serious advice.

Not only because of the male perspective, but I met up with RF last night and OMG, I am seriously upset about the outcome.

You were totally right about how me saying what I said, made him think about if we did have problems and then he over analyzed the entire thing (darn, scorpion) and he turned it into such a snowball I was floored.

The main reason I need your advice is his soon to be X wife and your past marriage with your X wife. He talked to me about it last night and I felt like it was you talking. I wanted to cry because it seems his X has put some serious damage on him.

I guess from past conversations, she is a controlling person, but it seems that wasnt' the extent of it. RF told me that she would always make him feel bad and inadequate, no matter what he did. He told me that when I began to ask him last week if something was wrong, he felt bad and worried that I was disappointed, because he thought everything was great. However, he decided to shrug it off until I talked to him Monday night and questioned him about spending too much time together and that I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him to spend time with me, because he never asked me to spend time with him.

Anyway, obviously, he felt inadequate and bad that he disappointed me, which brought up past issues that his X made him feel. He suddenly started making me feel, that opening up and communicating with him, was going to always make him feel bad and inadequate. That wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted us to be on the same page.

He told me that he wants to be with me and with no one else. That he has strong feelings for me and would like to work on a long term relationship with me, but that we have to make it a healthy relationship and not one that is unhealthy. I told him that I can't live in the shadow of his soon to be X wife (they've been separated 18 months, divorce is final in November) and I cannot walk on egg shells, worrying if he is going to feel bad if I communicate my needs with him. I told him that I felt that it wouldn't be fair to me to feel like I have to watch my every move in fear of him breaking it off at some point, because I'm doing something that he feels reminds him of his X. UGH!

What did he do? He slowly got out his wallet, put money on the table and walked out. I followed him and he said, he can't believe I broke up with him and his head is spinning and he felt sick. That he was stunned that I broke up with him and that he can't talk to me anymore today. Then he got in his car and drove away, like a bat out of hell.

Now what do I do? I feel awful that he's going through these demons, but I am unsure if I can help him through this. I have my own demons of abandonement issues that I go through and last night I felt that if I didn't do exactly what he expected of me, that I would get the boot.

I need your wise advice, because I know you had some serious healing to do. Maybe a book that you suggest that I can give to him or something that I can say to him, to make him understand that his expectations of me, make me feel threatened as well.

WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!




Edited 10/15/2008 9:48 am ET by myprecioustwo

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 4:19pm

he WILL appreciate if he's allowed to spread his wings and do his own thing once in a while


Thanks Alison. That fits BE. HE's very social and needs to be out doing things. But at the end of the day loves landing in my "grounded" arms. and that I am solid. Plus he loves that I love to cook, make things look appealing, and am sensual..classic taurus here.


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 4:56pm
This thread has gotten amazingly long!
Photobucket


Photobucket
Lilypie 5th Birthday Ticker



Create a wedding ticker

Image and video hosting by TinyPic
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:05pm

One of my best friends is a Gemini and she's a total social butterfly :)

The boy

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:07pm

He calls himself that..social butterfly. Could have easily been his nick name here.. SB...for social butterfly and also for Santa Barbara. He has more friends than anyone I know. And the man loves to talk and he's charming. Gemini qualities arent they?


I forgot..what is S?


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:18pm

Geminis will have friends in MANY different circles- just like Aquarius, but unlike them Aquarius only has a few close friends.

I'm sure you're attracted to BE because he's so open, outgoing and relaxed. He stirs the silly side out you, no?

S is a Scorpio and I'm having a hard time adjusting... but if we both put in the effort it's a strong match because we are both long-term signs, in it for the long haul. We've had a lot of ups and downs, but worked through the misunderstandings and it's easier now for both of us- since we want to communicate and understand the other.

J was a Leo- easy to stroke his ego and wrap him around my finger :P

A was a Libra- fun to be with and very social, but wouldn't commit to a decision and very flaky. I won't date a Libra again. LOL

The boy

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:26pm

Sorry I'm not Mark and sorry I am a few days late on this thread. I didnt read all the responses because there are so many so this might be duplicate advice. The main thing I see here is what many consider emotional abuse. Walking out of the restaurant like that was done intentionally to hurt you. Not to mention it was childish.


I did read Mark's reply and I agree that he is not over his marriage and needs to take a dating break until the divorce is final and he is over it and can go into a relationship with little or no baggage.


I had to deal with the silent treatment once too. It too is emotional abuse. THey know the silent treatment hurts you so they do it. He was hurt so he must in turn hurt you. Be careful, he will use it again. My abusive ex bf used it many times. I finally did some research and found out that it is abuse and that many abusers use it. Mine used to put a twist to it to make it worse too. He would make sure that I knew he was upset but didnt know what he was upset about. Then he would be silent. Sometimes for days. So for many days I would know he was mad, have no idea what about and not be able to contact him to even find out. It was maddening. I am so glad that man is out of my life.


Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:32pm

Oh yes now I remember you said S is a Scorpio. My first crush ..his name was Ian.. I was head over heels for him. He was a Scorpio. Deeply passionate, but in an inner way, and I swear he exuded physical sexuality and charisma. I was so hot for that guy! Never worked out though. He broke my heart :o(


Highschool sweet heart was a Gemini. He had many of BE's current characteristics. In many ways BE reminds me of him.


Then I had two long term relationships with Cancers. One was my "soulmate" and it took me years to forget him. The next was my ex H. What I love about Cancers is their love of family and emotionally in the surface and caring.


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:33pm
Thanks so much Laurie!!!! The thread kind of turned into a horoscope thread. LOL. However, thinking about what you said, others and his reactions the last three days, that possibly he was pulling a mental abuse thing on me. His actions seemed to flip back and forth as if he was messing with my mind on purpose. Sad but true, because I really really liked him. It's ok, rather to find out he was wrong right away find out he was the wrong one much later. I'll be ok and thank you again for your advice and comforting words. :)
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:36pm
Get me in a room with a Gemini and we'll kill each other then have passionate sex. Nothing good inbetween. LOL My oldest DD's dad is one and became the biggest love and hate of my life. Now it's just despise. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:49pm

Yes, EXUDE sexuality is the right word OMG!!!

First visit between us last year, he touched my arm when passing me something and I SWEAR I could SEE sparks! And that was just when we were friends and I had no intention of dating him at that point LOL!

I feel such a connection to him, I feel like there's this little string floating in the air between us.

The boy

Photobucket

Pages