The marrage talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
The marrage talk
9
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 9:46am

Ok, I realize that when you start talking about marrage with a SO that there are MANY different conversations about many things.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 11:05am

I think you can get a general feel if a good decision is being made if you agree on the hotbeds:

- finances (are you about the same on the scale of being very frugal versus very spendy - and who will handle paying the bills - will you have joint account - will you each have allowance - how to structure?). Make a budget together and talk about it.

- children - how to raise - are you the same on the scale of being very permissive/positive versus strict? Public school or private? Talk about how you were both raised and the things you would do the same versus the things you would do different now as parents. I would not want a guy that beats my kid - ever. I am very positive and have never spanked my child - not that that is the only way - but I cannot have a man where the belt rules!!!!!!!!! How does he feel about breastfeeding?

- inlaws - how much interference and contact will the inlaws have - what is your policy on handling holidays and vacations and extended family? What will he do if his mom thinks you should visit her every summer and you can't afford it? Or if she thinks you should feed a baby a bottle and you want to breastfeed - will he side with YOU and set boundaries with her? Are you willing to do the same with your parents?

- how were you both raised - is it similar?

- what are your roles - do you want a career or to stay at home with the kids - what are his views on this?

- how many kids do you want?

- do you want a big house or little house? City or suburbs?

In general, you can hash out stuff of all kinds like this. But the biggest lesson I learned and what I would look for today or tomorrow having this conversation is that I would want to know that whatever comes our way as far as decision making for "us" is that WE would figure it out as we go so it is WIN WIN for both parties. That we find solutions that have an enthusiastic agreement from both of us. Because if you can do that, you can do anything.

I remember my exh saying that in the beginning my career would lead but then after he makes more money his career would lead. That sounded good at the time - but now if I had to do it over - which obviously I do - I would want him to agree that we make decisions that are good for both of us at all times. When I quit work to stay at home with our child he was very angry that he had to be the bread winner. And that attitude, coupled with his inability to keep his mother on the sideline and out of our hair (he wanted to please her more than me) is what doomed our marriage.

Just my own experience and .02. I am sure this will turn into a great thread because everone will have their own experience and opinion to add which makes a great bunch of real life tips and facts to read and consider.

Good luck and let us know what you do - that is also great for us. I am so glad you found someone you want to talk about marriage with!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 11:56am

Thanks for the suggestions!! There are actually a few of these things that we have alread talked about, and a couple of things that are kind of already decided due to circumstances and I'm OK with.


<<- finances (are you about the same on the scale of being very frugal versus very spendy - and who will handle paying the bills - will you have joint account - will you each have allowance - how to structure?). Make a budget together and talk about it.>>


We have very lightly touched on this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 12:32pm

It sounds like you have done your homework for sure. It sounds like he comes from a nice family and is very responsible - I think that is very good. And your mom sounds so gracious as well.

That is all I can think of - maybe only one more with regards to religion - and how you will raise the kids.

The only reason I mentioned private versus public school is because I did go to private school and wanted that for DS - and he was okay with that - but his mom was not. And this is just one of the decisions you make with kids - something to talk about - no right or wrong answers, really. Breastfeeding was important to me - and exh was okay with that. Some men are not - but this whole topic is obviously not for you since you can't.

It is impressive you two have talked about so much. And I think that since you are a mom you do have a good perspective on what that takes - so that puts you one step ahead, too. I think that most moms are better disciplinarians than most dads - but that is sort of good because you create a balance and complement each other as long as you don't have extremes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 12:48pm

A couple of suggestions from the BTDT school. One of the best solutions I have seen for the he's a saver, she's a spender situation is to have a joint account for bills and such and then separate account that are each person's to spend as they want. What you do not want is to feel your husband has total control over your life through his control of money. ALWAYS have a credit card in your own name. Many women let their husbands have total financial control and then if something happens to the guy they are lost. With my X I was the saver and he was the spender. Neither of us were frivolous with money, he just would buy stuff or take cash out of the checking account and not tell me so we'd bounce checks. And his ego was tied to being able to buy what he wanted when he wanted. My sense of independance required having credit in my own name.

Don't underestimate the importance of getting a consensus on the house. You both want to love the place. Take your time, look at a lot of plans and at built homes so you better understand what you both like. There's bound to be some common ground. Do you like the same styles of architecture? Do you likke the same finish materials, granite counters or tile? Wood floors or carpet? Make a list of the pros and cons of each plan, how far do you have to carry groceries and laundry? Think about noise levels- people love the look of open great rooms, but can you watch TV after the kids go to sleep without the noise from the TV waking them because the bedrooms aren't separated enough from that big echo chamber of a room. The good things about a 2-story is that you can stack the plumbing which is economical, you can make better use of views and get that separation of private space from the public spaces. Single story obviously has the benefit of aging in place- no stairs, less structural engineering costs, opportunity for very high ceilings. If you plan to live in this house for a long time, then the issue of more children is important. And how many big family dinners will you have with all that extended family nearby, small dining room and you get out of it, LOL.

QB, who is finding her forte in Interior Design is space planning

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 2:31pm

I hadn't even THOUGHT of religion, and definitely not what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 2:48pm

I totally understand what your saying about the finances.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 5:30pm

Queenbun! Your financial strategy is just super - that is a great idea to have a joint account for paying bills and then leftover money going to separate accounts so each person can feel a little freedom. And great advice about the credit card for the woman to boot.

You do have good house design ideas as well!!

I have a single story - and the thing that makes it good is that the kids bedrooms are on the opposite side as the master bedroom. The kitchen is open to the family room which I like as well.

Now I use most of the house for my business. And there is no need at this time for the master bedroom to be off by itself because I am by myself. And I don't watch any TV so that doesn't make noise!! LOL!! I guess I AM living in a convent!! LOL!! But maybe one day....

I just know this thread is going to get better with each person that posts. Pretty soon we will collectively have the best marriage designed. We all just need to add an SO and stir!! hehehe

And to kirarulez - if you are not practicing Catholic perhaps you should check out the church that his family goes to and see if you like it? I think this requires discussion.

The religion is a big deal - things like that become hotbeds when you have kids. I mean, imagine someone telling you how to raise the child you have now and have that be different than what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 5:34pm

Here is a fun quiz I found - I am sure you could do a google to find more, too.

Dr. Marian Stansbury

"Creating Healthy Relationships is the Heart of the Matter"
FUN STUFF - MARRIAGE COMPATIBILITY TEST
Before you say "I will", there are a few things you might want to know about your intended that aren't covered in the pre-nuptial counseling. You might find that "I will" turns quickly to "I will not!" or "Are you out of your mind?" There are no "right" or "wrong" answers. This is just for fun. Answer the questions individually, then compare your responses and enjoy a laugh together.

1. When watching television, custody of the remote controls belongs to....
1. the husband
2. the wife
3. whoever turned on the TV
4. whoever is stronger
5. whoever can find it underneath the cushions

2. Entertaining friends for dinner should be....
1. a catered affair
2. a sit-down meal lovingly prepared in your own kitchen
3. served buffet style
4. pot-luck
5. food brought home in boxes

3. A new car should be selected based on....
1. its purchase price
2. its performance, repair and insurance costs
3. what your business associates are driving
4. its color
5. the arrangement of the cup holders

4. The toilet seat should be
1. down, with the lid closed
2. down, with the lid up
3. left up
4. left up or down, it doesn't matter
5. up in his bathroom, down in her bathroom

5. The proper location for dirty clothes is....
1. the clothes hamper
2. the floor near the clothes hamper
3. the floor in the room where the hamper is located
4. on the furniture in the room where the hamper is located
5. near the bed so you can wear them again the next day

6. In winter, the appropriate daytime temperature for a house should be....
1. 75° or higher
2. about 70°
3. about 60°
4. no higher than 55°
5. turned up for a while if you can see your breath

7. Any home-cooked food is best if....
1. it is eaten immediately after it's prepared
2. served with candlelight and soft music
3. it's made the way mom made it
4. it has catsup on it
5. the fire department didn't have to be called

8. The best way to travel on vacation is....
1. by plane
2. by train
3. by car
4. on foot hiking through the wilderness
5. separately, to different destinations

9. Trips to the mall should be made when....
1. there is a specific item that is needed
2. there is a big sale
3. it's raining and there's nothing else to do
4. you can't find what you need at a tag sale
5. you have a new credit card

10. The volume on the stereo should be set....
1. low enough to allow normal conversation
2. loud enough to fully appreciate the quality of the recording
3. low enough so the neighbors don't complain
4. loud enough to feel the vibrations
5. just low enough to avoid significant structural damage

11. Laundry should be done....
1. twice a week
2. weekly
3. every other week
4. monthly
5. when you run out of clean underwear

12. My idea of an exotic vacation destination is....
1. Hawaii
2. the South Pacific
3. Thailand
4. newly-opened regions of China
5. Iowa

13. Repainting the living room should be done by...
1. a licensed professional
2. the two of us working in harmony
3. the college kid down the street
4. whoever's idea it was to repaint the room
5. the time your mother arrives to visit

14. When buying a new TV, it is important to consider...
1. the size of the room in which it's located
2. what will fit in the entertainment center
3. your budget
4. how many people you'll be inviting over for football games
5. whether you can fit it through the door

15. Before having children, you should be together for....
1. at least one year
2. at least two years
3. at least five years
4. at least nine months
5. one last quiet, romantic evening

16. Eating in bed is....

1. inappropriate under any circumstances
2. okay if you're sick and can't get up
3. acceptable if served on a proper bed tray
4. good to do while watching late night TV
5. an effective way to avoid having sex

17. The best videos to rent are....

1. the newest releases
2. classic films
3. romantic comedies
4. action dramas
5. found in stores with XXXX on the sign

18. When one of you feels he or she should lose weight, the other should

1. insist that their partner is perfect just the way they are
2. be supportive
3. join in the weight-loss program
4. buy him or her a membership in a health club
5. move out until the diet is over

19. When the female is upset or angry, the male should....

1. be comforting
2. ask what the problem is
3. try to solve the problem
4. tell her to get over it
5. apologize. She's already decided it's his fault anyway

20. Household chores should be done by....
whisk

1. the wife
2. the husband
3. both of them working together
4. the maid
5. the kids, that's why you had them

21. When decorating your first home, the furnishings should be....

1. the latest style
2. an eclectic blend of antique and new
3. the best you can afford
4. purchased at tag sales
5. whatever you can swipe from your parents' homes


22. You should attend a place of worship....

1. weekly
2. monthly
3. on major holidays
4. when your mother's in town
5. when you find one that serves 1995 Domaine d'Auvenay Criots-Batard-Montrachet for communion

23. Taking out the garbage is the responsibility of....
trash

1. the husband
2. the wife
3. whoever put the last item in
4. whoever is going out anyway
5. the household staff

24. My idea of the ideal birthday party is....

1. a romantic dinner for two
2. cake and coffee with a few friends
3. a small gathering with family members
4. a surprise party with everyone I know
5. a celebration that would rival a Presidential inaugural

25. If we have an argument we should

1. kiss and make up before we go to bed
2. sit down and discuss it like two rational people
3. go to separate rooms until we cool off
4. contact a marriage counselor
5. make sure all lethal weapons are out of reach

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:46pm

Well, the talk went really well last night, and we went back over most of the things that were suggested, and a few other things, and I feel very comfortable with everything that we discussed (and most of it was the same as what we had previously discussed.)

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