Marriage?
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| Sun, 11-20-2005 - 7:05pm |
Hi-
I'm new to this board, but I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice. I'm obviously a single mom. I have a very hyper, but sweet 5 year old boy how has never even met his father. For the last year and a half I have been dating a really sweet, sensitive, down to earth man, who also has custody and placement of his 9 year old boy. For the past year we have been living next door to each other, and spend alot of time together as a "family".
A few weeks agao we began discussing marriage. I want a family, and so does he, but he says he's not "excited" about the idea of marrying me. He tells me he loves me all the time, and also wants a family someday, but says he's just not excited about marrying me. I love him, and his son, and can't imagine my life with out him. My son loves both of them, and wishes my b/f were his father. what do I do? Continue in this relationship knowing that it may just lead to heart ache, or go against what I think I want and get out now before we all get any more attached to each other.
By the way, my family doesn't really like my b/f, possibly because I make more money than he does. They see him as not being able to provide for me.

Hi Tonihan and welcome,
I read your profile and you indeed have accomplished a lot of hard but good things with your life. First of all you do deserve a big pat on the back for having the courage to become a mom at a young age, dealing with a special-needs child and completing your education on a very tight budget as a single mom. I don't think you give yourself enough credit for that.
I looked at one of your goals and it says you want a PhD. That is a very good goal. You also say you want a marriage and a family. Those are good goals, too. The latter really require a specific plan of action and it is usually not the easiest and I don't think it will be in this case.
While it is fun and convenient to play house with this man and his son, and you have grown attached, I must say that if he doesn't see himself being married to you then you are wasting your precious time with him. If he makes less than you and could not bring a fair amount to your table that is another strike, in my opinion, and further, if your family sees this and advises you the same that is another.
I know you are attached to him, but I believe he is a deterrent to your goals from what you write here. If you want marriage then you have to do all you can to put yourself in a good social network to meet a lot of people. Then you have to make sure you don't settle for someone who is just a warm body. You have to wait for the right person who is really into you and who will want to marry you.
I think you know what you must do. I know the others will chime in and offer their advise as well. I think that if you spend some time on this board you will learn healthy positive dating behaviors and attitudes. We welcome you to participate as much as you can.
I also know that it is very hard to make the right decision when your heart is involved. I wish you wisdom and courage and strength.
Tonihan,
Welcome to the board.
He's not excited about marrying you. You would like something more. You will not convince him to change his mind. You know the old saying, "A man persuaded against his will is still of the same opinion." If somehow, he decided to marry you....for whatever, reason, money or because he couldn't find anyone else, or some sense of obligation, he STILL would not be "excited" about you.
You need to believe that you can find someone who will be excited about you. Don't settle for anything less.
Tonihan,
I learned the hard way that if trusted friends/family don't like a BF, the given reason (e.g., making less money than you) may be only the tip of the iceberg.
In responce to Alison's questions-
The reason my son has never seen his biological father is because he and I were friends who happened to get drunk one night and well, after he found out I was pregnant his responce was "I'll pay for half an abortion". He is violent, and immature. He has never showed up for any court date, and has never contacted me requesting visitation. He has moved a zillion times, and niether the post office, nor sherriff department know where he is currently residing. The only reason I occasionally get child support is because he has been thrown in jail so many times for not paying that it's easier for him to pay once in a while to keeep the court system off of his back.
It's not that my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me. He says he does, but he had always thought that he'd be excited about being able to spend the rest of his life with someone, and he's just not excited. He has been really burned by other women - I know this for a fact because I have known him for a long time, and have know a few of his former girlfriends. Sometimes he's confused about what love is. Or so he says. He doesn't understand how women who have told him that they loved him could hurt him so bad. He's probably afraid that I will do the same thing.
Toni