Maybe controversial question BUT (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Maybe controversial question BUT (m)
34
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 8:45pm
it has to do with living together.

When I was younger, I was all about living together to see if things "clicked" but now that I am older/more experienced I really don't see that as being anything to experiment with. Especially with a child. Now I realize I might be upsetting some people but I don't think it is the right way to go.

My view now of marriage - like I was telling my mother today should be based on the fact that you both love and RESPECT each other and you believe that you can "stand" the person forever. I know that sounds unromantic but I don't mean it so. I guess I am saying that you realize the persons faults and can accept them and you are comfortable that person can respect your views and goals in life and love who you are. I really REALLY feel that if you are going to live together you have made that decision and are going to stick with it.

Jack asked me today why people get divorced. A kind of 3rd grade question that does not have a simple answer but am I the only one who thinks if two people get in a relationship possessing what I mentioned above and the desire to make a FAMILY (even when it is only 2 adults) that divorce wouldn't happen so much. I did tell him that I felt many divorces were the cause of one person in the marriage most often than not. But who knows.

Maybe I am off on this but living together without feeling marriage is the next step which you are clearly going to make unless some horrible inconsistancy in expectations occurrs, is just not the way to go.

Any takers on this? I think that time spent communicating to each other what you want is better spent apart and living together is as serious as marriage and when child are involved is very important.

One more point I want to make on this is that in the beginning of a relationship it has momentum...you can just go along with the FLOW which can go all the way to getting married and even having a child. But until that momentum stops and the relationship becomes a choice, it isn't reality based. Maybe that is the BIG issue.

I would love to hear opinions on this. Go ahead and flame me but I will say that I have had the view of living together and changed my mind for very good reasons and in this case I don't believe anyone can enlighten me to change my mind.

Laura

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Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 6:08pm
I stayed way too long myself but I wouldn't have not had dd for anything in the world and things work out the way they do for a reason. There are various medical family history things that would have (and still would) make dh very reluctant to have his own bio child but he loves being dd's dad. And I stayed because I took my vows, I meant them and I had to feel like I'd done absolutely everything I could. I only ended up leaving because I felt it was safest and healthiest for dd and me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:09pm
How is a "rebound marriage" that ends in divorce better than living together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 8:30am
Who said it was??? Certainly not! ...but we did live together first BTW....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 8:35am
No - what you said I totally agree with - I did mean a commitment to be in it for good. I know people that don't get married by LAW but they are in all terms married to each other....does that make sense? What I mean is people shouldn't live together unless they are sure they really want it to be forever. Of course there are things....but those are things that result from major things and a breakdown of respect. If you thought a man was violent would you be there in the first place? NO - so I think divorce is kind of bait and switch ;) on big things.

I completely agree with what you said. I was just disturbed to hear someone say recently they were moving in together to "try it out and see"....that mentality didn't set well I suppose.

L

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