Maybe I need to get some balloons . . .

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Registered: 05-29-2003
Maybe I need to get some balloons . . .
1
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 3:08pm

and turn on the ceiling fan.

Hi ladies. It's been a while since I've posted, but I've been enjoying all of your posts. Thanks!

Recap: I separated from my children's father in June 2005 and our divorce was final March 2007. HN (hot nerd) and I have been aquaintances for nearly a decade, friends for about three years, and have been dating since December 2006. This is the only relationship I've had other than the one with my ex (13 years). HN and I have similar personalities and intellect. We both work hard and value higher education, but we have led very different lifestyles (I married very young and have 2 active kiddos - he's a 46 year-old bachelor) We both like to travel, appreciate good food and beverages, have a ton of fun in the bedroom, and both LOVE the mountains. Separately, I run and garden while he reads and rides his motorcycle. I have been more comfortable with him than with any other person in my life - until now anyway - cause I haven't told him yet that I'm starting to freak a little inside.

Basically I think I'm freaking because my kids REALLY like having HN around and HN seems more and more eager for his mother and I to get to know one another better (I think I'm the first woman he's "brought home to meet his mother") - and I apparently need to coast a little longer. We're not in family mode, but HN, my kids, and I do spend time together a few times a month. Today he invited the kids and I to attend his mother's company picnic in June (I told him I had to check my calendar at home before I could give him an answer) - for some reason that's the kind of thing I don't feel we're ready for, but then on the other hand I sometimes feel like I'm one big contradiction. For example, the idea of taking my kids to his mother's work picnic freaks me out, but the four of us spending a few days in a cabin together (with separate bedrooms cause of my kids) seems perfectly natural. Does that make sense? Am I overeacting about the picnic??

HN has been a near-perfect boyfriend. I can picture us dating indefinately, but I can't quite imagine us living together/getting married etc. HN has not said that he wants either of those, but I definately feel like he keeps "bumping it up a notch" if you know what I mean.

He completely surprised me this past weekend. In the ten years I have known him we have seen each other at many social occasions. I have never once seen him dance. Mutual friends of ours got married last Saturday. At the beginning of the reception he asked if I was expecting him to dance with me. I told him that I wasn't expecting it, but that I certainly wouldn't mind dancing with him. He stepped way out of his comfort zone and we danced to all different kinds of music. Neither of us knew what we were doing - but we had a blast!

After dating exclusively for 6 months is it ok for me to still not know whether or not he is right for me? I imagine my doubts might have absolutely nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me needing more time to heal from my ex-husband's betrayal. It also might be because I'm not sure I should ever live with/marry someone again.

I guess I'm afaid that when I try to explain what I'm feeling that I may have trouble articulating what I mean and/or he might pull away to protect himself. On the other hand, whenever I've been stressed about stuff in the past - talking to him about the issue has resolved the problem. Regardless, I certainly don't want him wasting his time if it might never feel quite right for me. I never feel like I'm overanalyzing his behavior - he's a straight shooter. It's my own behavior/feelings that I'm having trouble with.

I'm not ready to set him free. I'm just struggling with when/how to talk to him about this. He's very perceptive. If I don't tell him soon - he'll probably think he did something wrong.

M2M - feeling very lucky to have such a great guy - just no where near sure he's the right one for her.

Edited 5/23/2007 3:43 pm ET by mom2maggie




Edited 5/23/2007 3:45 pm ET by mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:26pm

Don't get some balloons, but don't freak yourself out, either.

HN sounds like a great guy, but there's no law saying you have to know within a month, or six, or six years if he's the one for you- as long as you're being honest with him.

I think as long as you're both just coasting along, that's fine, but if he's ready to bump things up a notch, and you aren't, or aren't sure you are, you need to have a talk about where you each wants things to go, and on what sort of tentative timeline.

Nothing about our hearts is perfectly sensical all of the time, and nothing needs to be set in stone, but a general idea of where you each see yourselves in time would probably be helpful.

I definitely get the parents', family, friends- anyone from the outside freaking you out a little. funnyguy and I have met each others' parents and siblings, and he's met several of my friends, but I'm worried about meeting his. It has nothing to do with him, really, just another step that makes everything a little more concrete. If people know about it, it's official that we're a couple, and they'll be asking, and what happens if.... well, don't get me started because I can think and worry and wonder all day about that!

The part of your post that resonated most with me was the fact that he's a straight shooter and it's YOUR emotions you're grappling with- but as Shrimpy pointed out to me, and I'll pass along to you- that's not the current emotions, it's the past, the memories and what you've been through. Let go of that- and it will take time and there's no deadline, and you'll be much happier living in the moment.

I think if he's as straight and great as you say- just see where he is, and if that's not where you are, let him know that. It doesn't have to be about him and you shouldn't worry overly about hurting his feelings, but rather focus on yours and how you feel.

Keep us posted!

Moody, who thinks you should take her advice since she's not using it ;-)


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