Maybe TMI...but need some opinions plz..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Maybe TMI...but need some opinions plz..
7
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 1:01pm

Okay...maybe I asked for this...who knows. But...being the somewhat "nosey" person that I am, I did it anyway...just to check, so to speak.

** This may be a little TMI - sorry **

Crush and I have done a lot of talking about a lot of things. Well...the subject of porn came up, and other stuff, which was kinda funny, but oh well. When I was married I had a lot of problems with this type of thing. My ex ALWAYS looked at porn, went to strip clubs, etc. At the time I had a HUGE problem with it. I felt that I should be "enough" and that he shouldn't look outside of our marriage for some type of gratification when I was willing and able to do the things that he wanted to at least try and keep him satisified. The idea of such things were very appalling to me. Well...after my divorce a bunch of us went to a strip club and now it's not really a big deal to me. I think that they are funny in a lot of ways, but I wouldn't/don't want to be in one/go to one all the time.

What bothers me is that fact that Crush volunteered the info about porn and stuff, especially internet porn, and said that he just doesn't see the point in it and doesn't look at it. Well...I took his word for it (I guess). I mean, I figure, he's a guy, he probably looks at stuff every once in a while, etc. That doesn't bother me. However, I called him last night and he was at the store and said that he would be a little while, but to just go over to his house. So I did. While I was there I got a little bored, so I got on his computer. Well...I couldn't help myself, so I looked at his history. Well...there it was, all kinds of crap, and not only the free stuff, but stuff you actually have to pay for. I never brought it up to him b/c I mean, I was being nosey and I shouldn't have looked at his history, but I did. I guess you shouldn't go looking for things that none of your business, especially if you're not ready for what the truth my hold.

However, my feelings are hurt. They're not hurt at the fact that he's looking at crap, but at the fact that he lied about it. If you're going to do something, anything, why not just own up to it? What's the big deal?

Well...now part of me feels exactly like I did with my ex-husband. Why am I not "enough." Why is it that he has to look outside of our relationship for some type of "whatever?" It just hurts that A) he's doing it and B) he lied about it. I never asked him about this stuff, he brought it up, and he lied about it.

So...set aside me being nosey, b/c I know I was in the wrong, but should I be worried or upset? Is this okay/normal? I don't know...but I do know that I feel crappy.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 1:16pm

I think you should give him a copy of this letter - or copy and email it to him - and then see what he does.

It is not like you didn't trust him- you were bored and curious. And you did find what you found after that conversation.

See what he says.

I know I would not like this and I would feel the same way you do. Especially about the lying part.

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 2:25pm

Well, if I were him, I would be livid that my girlfriend checked out my history on my computer. However, if I were in your shoes I would be very upset too. I have always believed that if someone will lie to you about one thing, then they will probably lie to you about another.

You are going to have to tell him everthing you posted. You have a legitimate concern. But, be prepared that he is probably not going to be too happy about you snooping on his computer. You really are between a rock and a hard place. Just be honest with him.
Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 3:02pm

This is true about his reaction to her looking at his history.

However, I feel that the browser history is something that someone would look at based on curiosity - not that much different than browser bookmarks - especially when there is nothing to hide. She didn't cross the line of scary snoop where she was accessing email and looking through filing cabinets. It only took one click and is innocent - it is not like she expected to find that.

Kaitlyn, are you listening? Steph does have a point that you are going to run into defensiveness, but I don't feel you did anything wrong. This is perhaps a point for all of us single moms to snoop at one time or another, given the fact that I have seen so much heartache over the porn addict - it is sort of like watching how much someone drinks while you are on a date.

I venture to say that there might be more opinions on this matter and am curious to hear what everyone else has to say. I for one would not mind a guy reading a girly magazine or watching a movie with me. But I do find it a turn off that a guy would be paying for that stuff online - given that it can be addicting and is so raunchy and that he is in an exclusive relationship with me never to mind that he lied. Kaitlyn, this is a big red flag and you should think about the consequences and what YOU want more before you talk to him.

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 3:19pm

I'm not saying that what I did was right. I probably shouldn't have looked at his online history. However, I did, I own up to that, okay.

I wouldn't be upset if he hadn't said that he didn't look at stuff like that. I wouldn't be upset if he hadn't been the one to bring it up. I wouldn't be upset if he didn't already know about everything I went through with this type of thing with my ex husband. However, he knows all of that. I don't think he's a porn addict or anything...I just think it's something that he looked at, knew that I wouldn't be thrilled about, and didn't tell me. Okay...I get that. Maybe he's embarrassed about it or something, I don't know. But...he said that he doesn't look at it, he doesn't like it...etc. He lied.

So...I feel a little guilty about looking at the history. I shouldn't have been nosey..but I did it anyway, and there's no going back on it. So...from that...how do I just come out and say, "hey...looked at your internet history yesterday...saw a lot of porn stuff on it...why did you lie to me about it?" I can't...b/c more than likely he will get defensive and want to know why I was snooping around.

Honestly, excuses aside, there is a huge trust factor that is playing with me. I can't seem to separate what crush and I did before, what we're doing now, and all the crap that went on with my ex husband. So I feel that in a way I'm comparing this to my ex...when maybe I shouldn't.

I'm sure others will have their opinions on this...and I look forward to hearing them. I did what I did...nothing I can do to change it, etc. However, I wouldn't just go through his stuff. I mean there's a line there. I don't want him coming into my house and going through my closet, drawers, etc., I wouldn't do that to him. But...as for the computer thing...who cares if he looks at my history...I have nothing to hide. I haven't lied to him about ANYTHING...so why is he lying about this - and I don't even know if I have the guts to say anything about it to him.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 3:48pm

Ok, here's my take. I've read and mostly agree with what everyone says. You snooped. You admit it. BUT, not only do you feel guilty for snooping, you're already paying for it. Cheaters never win is a cliche because it's true. People who snoop ALWAYS find something they wish they hadn't- in your case- a porn cache you wish you didn't know about, for several reasons.

You now know he lied, and what to do about that? You also know he looks at porn, and how do you feel about that? What do you do? Nothing?

You have to realize something. He looked at porn before he knew you. This doesn't make him addicted, neccesarily, and it certainly doesn't mean you aren't good enough. Porn has nothing to do with reality. It's very like me dreaming about Chris Noth- fun and exciting, sure, but is it ever going to happen- not bloody likely.

So, what do you do? Well, owning up to your mistake in looking at his history would probably be the best course. Why? Well, I think because then you could just say- hey, crush, I know you look at porn. Guess what, it kinda bothers me, can we talk about it? Then you have a tiff, then you have make-up sex, and then you show him that the real thing is better than any image any day.

But, I digress. Is the real issue for you the fact that he looks at it, the fact that he lied about it, or the fact that you equate him with your ex?

Oh, and one more thing- okay and normal are only okay and normal if they are okay and normal for YOU. I am totally okay with porn- in fact, I enjoy it, too. You aren't. That's normal. I'm not okay with a man getting a manicure. Others are- and make dates out of couples manicures. That's normal. Okay and normal are way different things for everyone, and that's okay and normal. Pun intended. Ha ha.


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 4:43pm

Is he the only one who uses that computer? If so, then you've discovered that he really likes porn and he lied to you about it.

You snooped and found out something you really don't like. You have the choice to make this a deal-breaker and walk away or forget that you saw the porn. I wouldn't discuss your snooping with him if you intend to stay with him. For many men, snooping is a deal-breaker.

Personally, it would creep me out if a guy lied about his porn viewing. If he lied about that, then I would wonder what other lies he might tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 9:13pm

Kait,


I am assuming here that he is the only one that uses his computer, and I'm also assuming that the history you looked at was recent.


Photobucket