Meeting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Meeting
6
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:16am

So I have been dating this great guy for about a month. He is everything I have been looking for. Things are going great, and we both see a future together. I have been going back and forth about him meeting my 3 year old daughter. Not that I don't want him to, but I have never introduced her to anyone I was dating (they were never good quality guys anyway). So when he brought me home the other night, my daughter was just coming home with my brother, and she came over to the car and said Hi to my guy.

My situation is that I live at home with my parents, and my mom helps me take care of my daughter while I work. Well she has been on me to bring my daughter with when me and my BF go out. Well I haven't wanted to, mostly because I want alone time with him, to really get to know him. Anyway him and I were planing on going out saturday shopping and to lunch. So I asked him if it would be ok to bring my daughter with. He said that it was fine with him, that it would be up to me (we have talked about when he should meet her, and he said that was my decision). I just figured this might be a good time, doing something casual that she and I would do anyway. I am just nervous and excited about it. He shows a lot of intrest in her, and has even offered to take her along before.

I guess I just want to know from those of you that have been there done that if I am crazy. I feel like this is the right time, and really want to see how they interact before things get really really serious. I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't great with my daughter. I will take any advice.. good or bad.

Thanks
musicmama

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
In reply to: musicmama_18
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:25am

Hi there!

Are you going to introduce him as a friend, someone you are dating, or your boyfriend? How old is your daughter? Is she open to the idea of you dating someone?

In general though, I would say go with your gut... this is always a tricky one. It is a good thing to be in a serious, exclusive and committed relationship before your man meets your kids. Although it is early days for you, it sounds like you two are both serious about each other. So when it feels right, why not see how it goes. It is only natural that you are feeling nervous and excited at the same time - it's a big step.

Shopping and lunch sounds like an ideal first meeting.

Good luck, and don't forget to keep dating just the two of you, so you get to know each other better and spend quality time together alone. It's not a good idea to create an instant "family".

Hope it goes well, should you decide to have them meet up!

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: musicmama_18
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:38am

She is 3. Not really sure if she understands what mommy dating means. I have talked about him as my friend, as well as my boyfriend. Yes it is still early for us, but we are both in this for the long run. My daughter has no idea who her father is, so that is something I am having a hard time with as well (sometimes she says that my dad is her dad). I don't want to create an instant family, and am planning on spending one on one time with him as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
In reply to: musicmama_18
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 12:12pm
Just offering an opinion....In your shoes, I would not introduce anyone at the one month mark as a boyfriend. I would introduce him as a friend. It isnt that you cant think you are in for the long run but after a month, it is hard to know for sure IMO. I do think it is important for kids to meet who you are with eventually of course but at this juncture I see any meeting as being more for you than for her. When I was first dating my current bf he wanted to meet my son a few months into the relationship I think, in large part, to fully put the visual with who I was as a single mom and for him to experience the kid dynamic because he had never dated a single mom before me. I also wanted them to meet but mostly because I wanted to feel what it was like to have my two favorite people in a room together. I waited until we had been together 6 months so that I was sure about how I felt about him and we have done really well since. I dont think either of us was absolutely sure at the first meeting that we would have a long future together but we did love one another and it was real to both of us. It isnt until the last month or so ( at the ten month mark) that we have articulated thoughts about us all being together and him moving in, more kids, goals, etc. I have read a lot of posts and threads on this subject and I think there is nothing wrong with you trying out the idea of everyone together. It lets you know that this is possible again and that there can be enough love in a room to hold more than just you and your guy or you and your daughter. I had real trouble with this for years, never introducing my kid to anyone until I dated a schoolmate's father and we were kind of forced by the kids into playdates and dinners together. I learned from that situation that happiness was possible again for me and my son and that he could handle it and so could I even if that relationship didnt turn out to be right for me. It was kind of a turning point for me and I dont think I would have made the turn if the kids hadnt pushed us a bit so this was a blessing. so I dont meant to discourage you or dim your excitement about any of it - just gving you my thoughts from my own experiences. Best of luck to you and your little girl....
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: musicmama_18
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:49pm

I am in an interesting situation where my son actually knew my BF before I did. e is a neighbor and i had to go introduce myself because my 7yo kept hanging out with the man when he was gardening up the street.

We have been "dating" since September and my son knows him pretty well (as do I) by now. I still say we are friends, but my son is kind of seeing through that now, so it will be time to have a talk with the kid and the man (seperate talks, of course) about the transition to a mroe serious thing. We are both exclusive, but haven't had a formal talk.

I have been dating since my sone was 5 months, and generally I have not been shy about introducing my son to guys after it is apparent that we are a couple. I make sure that there isn't any heavy romanticising in front of the child, but I strongly believe, as I was counselled by professional child and family counselors, that kids need to see their custodial parent having healthy relationships so that they can develp healthy patterns for themselves as adults.

I generally also let the relationship between the bf and the child develop between them as they are both comfortable (provided I don't have any issues with any thing, and never have). This way the boy and the man "own" their friendship and it seems a natural development. Some bf have been more interested than others and in all cases they have been far better rolemodels than his father.

As to the instant family. I use the phrase "It takes a long time to figure out if we should all be together as a family, but we are all friends now and isn't that wonderful!"
My son seems to get that and has never been to pushy about getting a new "dad" but has benefitted from healthy friendly interaction with a guy.

I rarely unless and emergency situation develops leave my son with the man, it's just too playing-house like. I suppose that might change if i was engaged, but so far, it has only happened twice, but times I was dealing with an injured friend or animal that needed help and not a panicked child. My bfs during those instances did a great job and there was no pressure on them to do it again.

I don't know if that helps, but remember much of it depends on the readiness of your daughter and you and the man. She does need to see Mommy get a nice hug from someone who loves her once in a while, so when you are ready... enjoy!

Edited 2/2/2007 3:52 pm ET by ubersilly




Edited 2/2/2007 3:52 pm ET by ubersilly
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: musicmama_18
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 4:09pm

Well, obviously I can't tell you not to introduce and bring her along.

After a month, you are getting to know him. If you aren't comfortable yet, wait, but it seems like this would be a good opportunity. She's young enough that "friend" won't mean anything more than that to her, and shopping is something my little girl adores- she'd happily go with anyone willing to take her.

My adivce would be to keep it light, brief, and casual, which is what it seems like you're planning on doing.

One more thing- I think sometimes parents tend to include their children, which is fine when the relationship is working well, but don't forget that you still need some alone time with your guy, and your kids, too!

Moody, suddenly not so against introductions


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: musicmama_18
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 5:23pm

I would leave the three year old at home until the relationship is very well established and I am quite sure the guy is here to stay.

Little kids get attached very easy - and it just takes time to get to know someone.

So for now - just enjoy - see how it all goes.