Meeting BF's teenage son the first time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Meeting BF's teenage son the first time?
6
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:39pm

Hi everyone...I'm very new here to the boards and I'd like some opinions on meeting my boyfriend's teenage son for the first time.

We've known each other a year, and have been dating for about 6 months, and are obviously exclusive with each other. We've both been wanting to take things slow, but tonight on the phone he and his son asked if I'd like to come by to a movie next time he will have him. My BF has 50/50 custody, but often has his son more often as his mom is very unstable and often asks my BF to take their son.

So, recently, about a month ago, my BF introduced the idea to his son that he was dating me and things were moving along. The son was receptive, and happy for his dad. I guess I should say his son's age! Duh. He's 12, gonna be 13 in a few weeks. He and his dad are very close, and that's plainly obvious to me.

I am just very nervous! I have my own kids, but they're younger. 10 and 8. I'm comfortable around kids, but...this is the first relationship I've been in with a man, post-divorce, who has children. I'm just a bit nervous, as obviously I've not had to meet any BF's kids before! :)

The son was pretty excited on the phone when my BF asked me. Evidently he's been bugging his dad to meet me. Which makes me feel better, as at least he's not already resistant to the fact his dad is dating. So in the background, I could hear him asking "Did she say yes?" (to the movie), and when my BF said yes, I heard him just smiling and saying "Yes!" and stuff. It was actually kind of cute. lol

I have not been able to find much today on introducing kids to new dating partners. Obviously other than the "make sure it's serious", etc. I am painfully aware that kids get attached, and then can be hurt all over again if the parent and GF/BF break up. I want to do things the right way, and I figured many here may have some advice. He has not meet my children yet either, though my kids have been asking also (they have known for a few weeks that we're dating and getting serious).

Anyhow...any tips for me would be very welcome. Good, bad, positive/negative, bring it on. I'd love to hear some advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008

I would say that since you have kids only a little younger you should be fine with his son.

The confusing thing is that everyone seems to have a different opinion on when and how to meet the BF's kids or have him meet yours. I never had my kids meet anyone until my current BF. He really pushed for it and for me meeting his kids. Mostly, I think, was so that we could spend more time together, rather than constantly trying to find time to get away, so sometimes kids are part of the "date".

Some will tell you not to do introductions until you're engaged, others meet kids asap. I think you have to take into account YOUR kids and how they deal with people.

My son reacted ok, my daughter was AWFUL about it. She remained awful about it until about last week! She has issues with her dad, who has all but disappeared from her life, but she still felt like she was being disloyal to her dad if she got to know my BF (Considering that her father has been LIVING with someone since we got divorced, this disloyalty only applies one way!).

I talked to BF about it, he has a daughter the same age, so he just gets that he has to be patient with her. Now that he has gone to some family functions and my extended family is getting to know him, she is relaxing a bit.

Sometimes I worry that I had them meet too soon. But my kids are older teens, not home all that much, and quite frankly, I need to see if this fellow CAN deal with my kids if I am going to keep going on like this.

Steve Harvey's book recommends that your BF meet your kids sooner than later, his thought being that if you really like the guy, why get super involved with him and then find out that he's awful with your kids? He thinks that finding this out early is just another way to determine if this person is the one for you.

I wouldn't have any PDA's or anything the first few times you meet, just for the comfort of the kids. How much they get attached to your SO depends, I think, on how much time you spend together and how involved your SO wants to be in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:18am
I think that since the boy wants to meet you, you've already cleared the 1st hurdle. I'd say just treat him like you would the child of any of your friends. You know, talk to him but don't make a super big deal about it. I do think that if you see a long term future w/ your BF, it's good to meet the kids and then good to have the kids meet each other & get used to doing some things together. Since they are in the same general age group, you could do something like go to the beach or an amusement park (after you have met the kids individually a few times). I guess that comes to mind because that's what I did w/ my 2nd DH's & my kids. I had never introduced them to any other guy, but then again, I didn't date anyone else for more than a few times. We had really only been officially dating a couple of months, now that I think about it, but we knew we wanted to be serious. I probably saw his DD more than he saw my kids because he was a widower & had his DD all the time on weekends, so I would go over there & have dinner, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 11:53am

I agree with the others, treat the ds like you would the son of any friend you have.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009

I should clarify I guess a little bit.

The son had wanted me to come to THEIR house. I've been to their house, just never around him before (obviously). He wants to rent a movie and watch a movie, make popcorn, and just hang out. I was also thinking, just stay for the movie, and perhaps to talk for a few minutes before or after, whatever feels right, and then leave. I don't want to do any PDA's in front of his son either right away.

I'm really glad that his son is wanting to meet me. I am kinda nervous being he is a little older than my kids (not too much, but still).

Another question...I've read some things saying you should bring a little gift to the kids. I know he loves music and just got an ipod for good grades, but doesn't have much music on it. Would a little gift card for itunes be too much? I've seen some places say that they will think you're trying to buy them off, etc, but other places say that sharing a common interest (music, tech things we both have in common) is a good thing. Thus I was thinking maybe a 10 dollar itunes card, or maybe 15 dollars. Is that appropriate, or not?

I am SO nervous!!! I think I'm more nervous meeting his son than I will be meeting his parents, LOL. Thanks everyone for your advice! Any other tips would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003

Oh... to THEIR house... then ya- stay just for the movie and then exit soon after.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
I agree with Alison, no gift. I have a 12 yr old and he is a good kid but is a kid and will begin to want things more and more. Just go over like meeting a neighbor who has a kid. As Alison said they will be goofy, annoying, just kids and you will laugh and he will share and it will be no big deal.

Marie

Marie