Kira, I think since you're actually thinking about it, this shows that you're doing a good job here. Not making an instant family out of this is a good thing. Obviously paying more attention to Caleb comes naturally to you- not only is he the needy one as your child, but he's also the one you're used to paying more attention to. But, I think he should learn that he can entertain himself with you there, by himself, for short periods of time. I'm sure that when it's just the two of you, there are times when he's playing quietly nearby, right? So why can't he play quietly in the sandbox at the park while you're on a bench watching with J for ten minutes? These are the types of things I'm talking about, not play in another room while you and J neck on the sofa for three hours, of course. Also, I think single mothers the world over grapple with how much time to spend as a group, and how often, and how quickly. When the children and "date" seem to get along, it's all too easy to forget to plan couples only dates, and I think the relationship suffers. And, mothers can forget to spend time with just their children, and then the children can start to resent the very person they used to get along with so well. I'm not saying any of these things are or will happen to you, just to be aware that they can be common, I think. So, I don't know that I actually have any advice, since I sort of feel territorial about my kids- and haven't even let any man I've dated MEET my children lately (although to be honest, I'm still only in the casual polydating stage and not "going steady" with anyone), but I hope my rambling has helped if you can make any sense out of it!
Moody- who's recommitted to quitting smoking and trying not to replace nicotene with chocolate, typing's my latest vice!
It sounds like you are doing good!! What I think I would do in your shoes is to start easy - a fun activity that Caleb will enjoy that is not too long. Maybe a trip to the park or zoo? Something that is fun for everyone.
The thing is that Caleb and your bf will be the ones to form their relationship with each other and you have to let them do that - you really do not have control over how they do this. I think that if you just go slow and keep it fun then you will be okay. Caleb might cling at first but then he will adapt - most children are very adaptable.
One thing I have done is to explain that mommy has a "playdate" - and that DS has to let mommy and her friend visit - just the way he does with his friends. Otherwise my DS would tend to want to "steal the show" so to speak - he is a real ham!! So now he knows that he can visit and talk and have fun - but then he has to allow us to talk and visit too.
Hope this helps. As Moody points out, the fact that you are thinking and writing about this shows you are on the right page. It is great that you have kept them separate until now.
Good luck and keep us posted!!
edited to add that you might want to clue your bf in on your expectations for his role - and just to see what he thinks. I like to think that my bf, if he proved worthy, would play the role of a favorite uncle.
Kira, I think since you're actually thinking about it, this shows that you're doing a good job here. Not making an instant family out of this is a good thing. Obviously paying more attention to Caleb comes naturally to you- not only is he the needy one as your child, but he's also the one you're used to paying more attention to.
But, I think he should learn that he can entertain himself with you there, by himself, for short periods of time. I'm sure that when it's just the two of you, there are times when he's playing quietly nearby, right? So why can't he play quietly in the sandbox at the park while you're on a bench watching with J for ten minutes? These are the types of things I'm talking about, not play in another room while you and J neck on the sofa for three hours, of course.
Also, I think single mothers the world over grapple with how much time to spend as a group, and how often, and how quickly. When the children and "date" seem to get along, it's all too easy to forget to plan couples only dates, and I think the relationship suffers. And, mothers can forget to spend time with just their children, and then the children can start to resent the very person they used to get along with so well. I'm not saying any of these things are or will happen to you, just to be aware that they can be common, I think.
So, I don't know that I actually have any advice, since I sort of feel territorial about my kids- and haven't even let any man I've dated MEET my children lately (although to be honest, I'm still only in the casual polydating stage and not "going steady" with anyone), but I hope my rambling has helped if you can make any sense out of it!
Moody- who's recommitted to quitting smoking and trying not to replace nicotene with chocolate, typing's my latest vice!
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Hi Kira,
Good to see you around.
It sounds like you are doing good!! What I think I would do in your shoes is to start easy - a fun activity that Caleb will enjoy that is not too long. Maybe a trip to the park or zoo? Something that is fun for everyone.
The thing is that Caleb and your bf will be the ones to form their relationship with each other and you have to let them do that - you really do not have control over how they do this. I think that if you just go slow and keep it fun then you will be okay. Caleb might cling at first but then he will adapt - most children are very adaptable.
One thing I have done is to explain that mommy has a "playdate" - and that DS has to let mommy and her friend visit - just the way he does with his friends. Otherwise my DS would tend to want to "steal the show" so to speak - he is a real ham!! So now he knows that he can visit and talk and have fun - but then he has to allow us to talk and visit too.
Hope this helps. As Moody points out, the fact that you are thinking and writing about this shows you are on the right page. It is great that you have kept them separate until now.
Good luck and keep us posted!!
edited to add that you might want to clue your bf in on your expectations for his role - and just to see what he thinks. I like to think that my bf, if he proved worthy, would play the role of a favorite uncle.
Edited 7/20/2006 9:28 pm ET by cl-west1745
Thanks Guys,