Men are from Hell Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Men are from Hell Update
44
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 1:01pm

OK-


I'm 50 percent

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 1:34pm

Pac, I think like everyone else, you need to consider if this is a peak at things to come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 1:45pm

Beyond your request for him to incorporate your children more, does he have an inkling that this might be the wedge in your future?


Yes I think so. He is always making light-hearted comments about wanting a baby with me and then saying "you don't really want one do you?" And I have have said that I need to see that you love the ones that are already here before I would ever consider having another. He also makes comments about me moving to his city and I have always maintained that I don't want to uproot my children and that I would never risk losing primary custody by moving (we live about 45 minutes apart- I work in his city). Also we are both "older",

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 2:04pm

I also knew that once I got to find out a bit more about myself, I can now know what I really want from someone else


I like this statement. It rings true and I know I could use some time totally solo to figure out "me" again. I do want to be healthy and really know myself enough to find the right one.


Your situation is inspiring and thats why I love this board. If it were not for these testamonies about how you and so many have taken that leap into the deep end and learned to swim, I would be so much more afraid.


At this time I feel "checked out" emotionally from BE. Its like I am not even waiting on pins and needles anymore for his call about the whole thing. I feel seperate and shelled and safe within myself if that makes any sense. Now comes the logistics- another job to make ends meet, perhaps another place to rent with less rent, and going out and meeing new people.


Thanks for the support and encouragement- it really means a lot to me :o)

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 2:11pm

A (caring) mothers instincts are so right on and you are feeling it.. a sense that he wants to sort of start anew with you. It is a strange place to be- in that limbo of enjoying "what is" but knowing "what isnt" and knowing in the gut that the future looks dim as a couple if things stay the same. Thats where I had been with BE the last few months, even before this last mess.


Wht does kazoo say when you mention feeling that he does

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 2:21pm

Wht does kazoo say when you mention feeling that he does

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 2:36pm

I can completely relate to the catch 22.


BE sometimes claimed that he needed me to be more sure and he needed to feel I was in it 100 percent before he would commit to certain things or go in all the way- both feet- make changes, etc. But I can't go in 100 percent until I feel him making changes and being in with both feet 100 percent. Therefore the catch 22.


I can understand yours with Kazoo. He is standing on his line not wanting to move over that line until he feels certain you want him in the future, yet you are on your line not wanting to move over it until he moves forward. Its a stalemate- and I always felt with BE that someone had to make the first move over their comfort zone and into faith towards the comittment. But I usually felt like it was me who had to do that. Now I am at my line and he is moving towards me yet I seem to be backing furhter off as I have been burned he would need to take incredible leaps to even get in again.


Thanks for your ear and letting me know I'm not alone. I can really relate to your situation.

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 3:05pm

Now I am at my line and he is moving towards me yet I seem to be backing further off as I have been burned he would need to take incredible leaps to even get in again.


Pacific - I totally feel the same way.

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 3:26pm

he has shown you that he doesn't share your opinion that those "issues" are important by making concrete changes.


That is the bottom line isnt it. And it is non accusing when you present it that way. No one is right or wrong, we simply do not share the same opinion on such fundamental matters.


It's important for both of us to be true to our values.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 3:37pm

Rose, I'm sorry you're struggling with Kazoo on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 3:40pm
i wish I could address both you and rose on this but anyhow I just wanted to add something. SYB is the first person who after 5 -6 months of steady falling in love he said he HAD to meet DS so that he could fully love me or else he was either out or we needed to slow down and possibly date others. I was dumbfounded. He said he needed to know that I was open and brave enough to share my life completely and welcome the possibility of a blended family if that should occur. He saw that I kept DS separate from my dating life and he admired that but he wanted to be a family eventually if we kept going strong and he wanted to feel like I would allow it. Also I think he wanted to experience me as a mom and my son as my first priority around him so that he knew what that would feel like. He had never dated a single mom before and he wasnt put off by it but he didnt know how it would be either. When he first told me he loved me he told me he loved both of us. It was perfect this way for me.
I have dated people in the past who just werent that interested in my son and never asked about him or wanted to participate in plans around him. It just seemed like they could either take it or leave it and then "it" was my SON. I broke up with one of them in part over this after almost 3 years. He wanted me, sure but he wasnt willing to talk future and he wasnt interested in the person in my life that mattered most, DS. It was painful but I am so glad I dropped him. I kept waiting to see interest and forward motion and I neevr saw a thing. The only thing I knew for sure in that relationship for YEARS was that he wanted me AND that he didnt want to lose me. In the end, for me, that was not enough....
I just wanted to share my experience with SYB mainly with you....and he does want more children although he doesnt right this second and I am 34 so we have a bit of time I hope. DS has called him Dad by accident but they laugh it off. It is a huge risk integrating someone fully into DS's life having never done it before. He would be absolutely devastated if we ever broke up and I feel that every day. It makes me a stronger partner to SYB to know these stakes somehow. I want to be happy and whole like this forever for everyone's sakes, not just mine.ue


Edited 6/4/2008 3:52 pm ET by citylife74
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