Mismatched education--does it matter?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mismatched education--does it matter?
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Sun, 01-27-2008 - 8:09am

I have been dating Mr. Wonderful for about a month, and I have known him as a friend for about 7 months. Our values are compatible, and we get along wonderfully. Everyone likes him because he is just so nice to people in general. He treats me and my girls extremely well, and I care deeply for him. He provides well and is a hard worker. He obviously is very skilled in his field. However, one thing that does not seem to be an issue now, I am worried about becoming an issue later--I have a graduate degree while he did not finish college. I am finding in our conversations that I am not really smarter than him, but I know more than he does because of all of my education (does that make sense?). He plays it off well.

I just read this article on eharmony about how a disparity in educational level could be a problem so now I am worried. My ex was brilliant and educated and then went crazy on me so I don't really want that either! Any experiences?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 11:53am

"My ex was brilliant and educated and then went crazy on me..."
Can I ever relate to that one. My X is the same. I've realized that he is rather one dimensionally brilliant, a total twit when it comes to personal relationships.
I used to think having equal education/intelligence was important, very important. It was a must have for me. I've since realized it is not that important, one really has to see the whole individual and decide if the total package is someone you want in your life long term. And the guy can't be one of those insecure men who feels threatened by your higher education.

My BF and I both finished college and I am working on a second degree. He admires that aspect of me, that I am achievement oriented. He admits that he realized early on that I was brighter than he, but he doesn't feel inadequate because of it. When my X was in med school and realized I was able to understand everything he was learning, sometimes faster than he, he felt threatened and started getting competitive with me. That became a big problem.

I'm much more well travelled than my current BF, have more cultural experience, and that sometimes causes uncomfortable situations. Last night M and I were at an awards dinner for his sailing club. For some reason, even though we've been together for a year and a half, he just noticed I eat Continental style. He perceived that as some kind of etiquette error on my part, and quietly mentioned that I should switch my fork to the other hand. I had to laugh and explained it was just a different, but totally acceptable, manner to handle one's utensils. In fact, the man on M's left was English, he ate in the same manner as myself.

I think that as long as you are able to share interests and have reasonable conversations on a level you both are comfortable with, the difference in education doesn't matter. I know plenty of people who are very successful and well rounded, very interesting people, who never finished college. Heck, Bill Gates is a college drop out.

QueenBun

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 1:10pm

I agree with aimsicle that knowledge does not equal intelligence. Plus there is school of thought that are at multiple kinds of intelligences, Bodily-Kinesthetic, Interpersonal, Verbal-Linguistic, Logical-Mathematical, Naturalistic, Intrapersonal, Spatial, Musical.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiple_Intelligences.

I believe it is not so much our background or education that has to be a match but our core values, how we live our lives now, and interests that we can share (does not have to be everything either). CNDG did not go to college but her curiosity, knowledge about some practical areas and eagerness to learn outshines me and I have two graduate degrees.

I see my 18 yr old son who is sharp and quick and his younger sister who is not like that and how well they get along together. He wins games that involves quickness, knowledge, and traditional intelligence. This does not bother my 14 yr old daughter who loses to him (as well as me LOL). She is confident enough in herself to be OK with that plus she loves her brother. My son loves his sister and is patient with her when she does not get it.

Mark





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 2:48pm

I think the difference in education plays the most part when it involves general knowledge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 2:50pm

Another thought.... maybe formal, higher education is like money:

Avatar for aimsicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 3:40pm

That is a good question. He acts like it doesn't bother him, but could that be because we are still new at this dating thing? I guess some things you just have to let play out and find out. When I look at the whole package, it really seems like something so minor, but then I wonder

Although he finished high school, he was on his own and had very few classes because he was in the work program. His college was very focused...not a general degree. I am noticing some basic differences sometimes. For instance, the other day he was trying to sell me on this alternative medicine package. I am not anti-alternative medicine, but when I looked up the research on this one, it was inconclusive. I do not think he has learned about basic research principles and how statistics can lie. Having a doctorate makes you look at research more than you ever wanted to! I didn't want to take a know-it-all tone so I just told him I wasn't interested for me at this time, but if it was helping him, that is great.

On the other hand, when he talks about his line of work, I have no clue what he is talking about. The fact that he is so successful without that extensive training tells me that he has to be pretty smart. His emotional intelligence is VERY high...lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 4:42pm
Emotional intelligence is good too!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 8:28pm
I think that sounds okay to me. He sounds very nice and responsible. Emotional intelligence, nice to you, into you, works hard and has an expertise in his own field - it all sounds good to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 9:29pm
I am a weird example of education which doesnt add much to my relationship in terms of general intelligence. I quit high school and moved to France to take a full scholarship at the conservatory in Paris there. I got my doctorate in solo violin of all things which makes me a hit ( most times) on stage but not necessarily at dinner parties depending on what they are talking about. I hate those trivia games and I have panics about doing them in teams at parties. I was always very tunnel visioned so a lot of what I learned in high school even wasnt really cemented in and I feel like I am still catching up on things like geography and history.
I guess my point is that like someone else said, an education can sometimes be so specialized it doesnt really contribute much in the every day of a relationship. I would have to agree that it is more important that you come from similar walks of life and have similar goals. Sense of humor, and how someone relates to children and old people has always meant a lot to me - I like to see a good dose of empathy in a person. How they feel about their own family and friends and how they prioritize life means a good bit to me too.
My bf has no college degree but he reads more about everything than anyone I know. He was premed and quit and now is an actor. He is a dream at the dinner table - knows a good amount about just about everything and since he learned it out of his own curiosity, the info he has always has a personal spin somehow.
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for aimsicle
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 10:47pm

"I guess my point is that like someone else said, an education can sometimes be so specialized it doesnt really contribute much in the every day of a relationship. I would have to agree that it is more important that you come from similar walks of life and have similar goals. Sense of humor, and how someone relates to children and old people has always meant a lot to me - I like to see a good dose of empathy in a person. How they feel about their own family and friends and how they prioritize life means a good bit to me too.
My bf has no college degree but he reads more about everything than anyone I know. He was premed and quit and now is an actor. He is a dream at the dinner table"

I guess that is my question then...how does that play out in your relationship? Do you feel uncomfortable going to dinner parties with him when he knows so much about general stuff while your knowledge is specialized? Do you feel inadequate or insecure about it? Does it cause any problems whatsoever in your relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 12:54am

I think it depends on a few things ... both of your comfort levels ... & if the "uneducated" person has "life experience". In my marriage, I have 3 degrees & a great profession with a great income, & am well world-travelled

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