Missing My Single Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Missing My Single Life
3
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 12:07am
Up until 4 years ago, I was single and a mother of one. Since that time I have been in a roller coaster relationship with the father of my 2nd child. So here I am two kids
(whom I love to death) my daughter is 12 and my son is 2. Okay so here I am in this relationship that has had its' fair share of good, bad and ugly. There has been cheeting in the past, lack of trust, lack of commitment, lack of communication and most importantly lack of things I desire as a woman, but we have managed to make it through. Now I am at the point of either we get married and build on the foundation we have or we stop waisting each others life. Well he is not there in any way, shape form or fashion. Because I am missing out on the important ingredients of a relationship, I have had the impulse of wanting to get all dressed up (hair, nails, new outfit, a little make up and heels to show off my calves) and go out for a night on the town, and what ever happens with whomever it happens is okay too. I miss that being able to come and go as I please, not having to answer to anyone, not having to explain myself, and not having to worry about feelings, emotions or love. I could do what I wanted and I wasn't looking for a commitment nor to fall in love and I made that clear with whomever I was dating, no strings attached and I actually enjoyed my life more then than I do now. I am 30yrs old, I have one girlfriend and she is 42. I don't go out, I don't party. I basically go to work come home, go to church, take care of the kids, maintain the house and that is the extent of my life at 30. Most people I know, 30 is when they start living and here I am at 30 and I feel dead, no life, no business other than Jay (my son's father, baby-dadddy, boyfriend, or whatever you want to call him) and the kids. I just wish I could go back to a year ago when he and I seperated and start over from there, because I probably would not have ended up back on this dead-end-street of a realtionship and maybe I would be enjoying life and living.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 10:37am
I'm not so sure going out and letting whatever happens with whomever is a good idea, that sounds dangerous. But as for the rest, it sounds like your heart is not in making this relationship work. You've been holding up most of the burden, and he's not putting nearly as much energy in as you are. That is not a good foundation for marriage. The fact you want to be on your own is a sign marriage would be the wrong choice, no matter what he wants, you don't want it yourself. It's also not that you were happier then (single) than you are now, it's the difference between the two options facing you. You know you would be happier alone now than with him now. Being alone today isn't necessarily going to make you as happy as the last time you were single, it will be harder with two children and two ex's to deal with as fathers. But being alone today sounds like it will be better than staying in this relationship, and it sounds like you think where you are today is a mistake and you want to undo it. So undo it. Break up. That is your right and your choice to make and if you know you and the children will be better off, then do it (you because you'll be free, the children because they won't have such a dysfunctional relationship as an example of how relationships should work).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 9:54pm

I agree that it's not that you're missing the single life so much as, you're not happy in your relationship and are yearning to be free of it.

So... since you're so unhappy in the relationship and it's not what you want for yourself, then end it. I know it will be tough to start over with two kids, but you will be a lot happier once you get started and things will just fall into place because you will be putting your energy in to something for the first time in a long time, I imagine.

You want your kids to learn what a healthy and loving relationship is about. You don't want them to settle in their lives because you allowed yourself to settle in yours. Relationships have their ups and downs, but should not be a constant battle to keep. There should be mutual respect, admiration, desire and bring out the best in each other. If you're not getting that in a relationship then you're selling yourself short.

So pack your bags, (or his) and say, "thanks, but I'll take it from here...".

Good luck
Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:02pm

Hello and welcome to our board!!

It sounds like you know you need to give this one the boot - and that is what you should do before you just go out. Get rid of him and get on with your life. Marriage is not going to make this one better.

I think you will have to spend time getting over him - meaning the loss of a companion - before you start dating - just to make sure your head is in a good place so you don't pick someone who does the same thing.

Sorry to hear you have had so much disappointment and pain - but now is the time to make that right in your life!!

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