Mom with dating dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Mom with dating dilemma
8
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 6:35pm

I'm 34 yrs old, separated for 6mths (we didnt share the same bed for 3yrs prior), divorce in process, mom of 2 young children, left ex for domestic violence. There was no love in the marriage, I just stayed because I thought there were no options. My life and children's lives were in danger, so I decided to finally leave him.

My question is how much of this do I tell a potential boyfriend and when do I tell them. I have met someone online, in a chatroom no less, BUT, we are getting along great and I want to tell him my sad sob story, but Im afraid to lose him. If not the abuse, that could wait, but being a mom...I know I have to tell him, but should I wait til we meet? AND, I'm not officially divorced yet...should I wait to even date? I'm not on the rebound, I've been emotionally disconnected for 3yrs, I want to move on. I have been a single mom from the get go because he was not a father to them anyway. So the adjustments to the separation have been trivial.

Any advice would be of great help! Please share your ideas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 8:48pm

Your story sounds a bit like mine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:43pm

HI there, and welcome. You know your emotions, so if you feel ready to date, you probably are. Some people are ready quickly, others take years, either one is fine.

I would make sure OLGuy knows about your status as a mother, if nothing else, before you meet. Weave it into you next IM session- mention something about one of your kids, and it will flow from there.

At 34, it wouldn't be unrealistic for him to assume you have children, but unless you tell him, he won't know. I'm rather surprised it hasn't already come up- the first thing I ask a man is his age, marital status, and whether or not he has children. If he doesn't ask me, I assume he isn't really interested in getting to know me.

You can wait until you've met a few times before going into the details of your divorce, unless he asks, but if he hasn't yet, I'd be wary.

Good luck, I hope you get lots of advice, and stick around and keep us posted!

Moody, who is a kiss and tell kind of girl


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:09pm

Your story sounds like mine... I'm 34 yr. My ex was abusive. I left him when my youngest was only 4 months old. (Although, we always had lots of sex... go figure.) For me, when I left him, I wanted to date... well, actually, I wanted to replace him since, like you, i felt like I was already a single mom... (he didn't contribute to the household). But because I had such young children, I knew I wouldn't be ready to date for a while. And I used that time to heal... I rediscovered myself, found out why I always chose loosers or jerks in the past... decided I wasn't going to keep making the same relationship mistakes.

Less than a year after my seperation, I posted a profile online and someone emailed me his phone number. I called him and we chatted a bit and he wanted to take me out to dinner. In the first week we talked about past divorces, children, etc. I was looking forward to meeting him and we planned a lunch date. BUT he never showed. Totally lame. I waited, starving btw, for a 1/2 hour.. I was a nervous wreck... but he never showed. I was almost relieved... I realized i wasn't ready to start dating. I never heard from him again...

So, anyway it was over a year after that when I actually started dating again. But I'm still not sure if it's better to be upfront about having children or to wait. I'm not interviewing for a dad so I don't see why I should have to air all the laundry before even the first date.... For me, it depends on the guy... if he has children and has been divorced too, then I talk about it.... If he's younger, (never married, no kids) then I wait because it might go nowhere after the first date anyway. Most smart guys will guess correctly that at my age I've been married atleast once before and have children.

My two cents is thinking about how you will answer that question in advance is a good thing. Be comfortable with who you are and what you've been through...You are a survivor and a hero to your children!! I'll tell guys that yes, I've made mistakes, but I've learned from them and life is an adventure.

Past relationships are normally a taboo subject early on so I think a guy just wants to make sure you didn't commit adultery but other than that I don't think they care about the details. And also I would think they want to make sure you aren't still hung up on the ex... and for a guy if you talk about the ex (negatively or otherwise), he'll think you're hung up and then won't want to get involved with you. I would come up with a quick, short, honest answer to "why did you get divorced" and move on to another subject.

Sorry I was a bit scatter brained in my response but I hope i helped some...

Oh, and as for dating while seperated... most guys I met had a huge problem with that... especially if they wanted sex because I wasn't divorce (and truthfully I wasn't comfortable myself). I was honest if it came up and for me that meant saying I had a court date set or waiting on the lawyers. But, that the marriage had been over for 2 years with no chance of getting back together.

Welcome to the board, I hope you stick around and share some stories.

LB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:49pm

Wow! Thanks for all your responses, hope I keep getting them, they are very helpful!
I am 34, but I look 23, and when I go out...thats all I attract, 23yr olds!! I dont care about age...my X was 39, but acted 16!! Age has nothing to do with maturity! So face to face meeting is out cause guys my age think I'm jailbait or something and I attract youngins'..lol! Im not desparate and am not looking, but things just fell in my lap...I just know the odds of finding someone...around my age...that knows about my baggage, and doesn't mind....extremely slim! I sorta dont tell the truth about my age...hehe, I know, yell at me...I say guess and they guess wrong and I just leave it at that, but my girlfriends yell it out loud, then the guys run for the hills..lmao!

Yea...and the sex thing...I love sex, but I didn't with my X cause he was abusive in that area too....I was abused in every aspect! But Im looking forward to rich's outcome...more...I can't wait!!! And I didnt cheat on him!!! Im such a freakin' good girl!! But he thought I did...yea, when you force someone to do things against their will, what do you expect?

This guy I met online, he's on one side of the coast and Im on the other. We're not serious yet, just chatting...but we're...so far...getting along great, I do see a potential. Im not in any rush to go out with him yet and anyway, we're far away from each other. Although I know meeting someone online can be dangerous, you really get to know someone...inside their heads so to speak. I've had a stalker type, that I had a bad gut feeling about, where he told me what to do after our second IM conversation, and I was like buh-bye!! My gut doesn't lie. My guy may be hiding something, but so am I...although its not that Im cheating on a husband that Im still with. I want to wait to tell this guy, about my kids and the other stuff until I feel more secure with where its going. Is that wrong?? I don't think we're serious enough yet for me to tell him all that right now. My divorce may be over before we even go on our first date, if we make it that far that is. Keep the advice coming...I haven't dated since I was 19 years old!! so I need it! Thanks all!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:22pm

Hehehehehe.. you sound a lot like me.... I look around 26-28 yrs old and only attract young guys, too. I've gotten used to it and don't mind it... I've found that young guys like older woman for many reasons (other than just sex, too). And I've been tempted to lie about my age too since everyone's always telling me I look young... but I dont go that far... I have a couple times done what you've done... let them guess and say close enough. Or I've told one guy "older than you"... but didn't say how much older. Turns out that I was 11 years older (he's the youngest I've ever dated) and when I came clean, he was blown away... But he still dated me a couple more times before we both decided to move on. So age, in itself, has never been an issue...(just all the other stuff).

And it is very common for abused woman NOT to want sex with their abusers... have you visited the Domestic Violence New Beginnings board... That's a great board, too. And it is very typical for abusers to accuse their women of cheating. Mine did all the time, too. If I was happy for any reason, he'd say... "why are you smiling, are you sleeping with someone else?" or "Why do you want to move in THAT neighborhood, do you have a boyfriend there...?" or "why do you want a divorce, are you having an affair?" and on and on. I know how you feel.. In the end, i told him simply, no, i just don't want to be with you. He never got a clue but now he's out of my life and I couldn't be happier with mine.

And I agree with rlch... when you meet someone online, you should meet them in person quickly, within a month, because chemistry online is VERY different from chemistry face to face. And you don't want to invest your emotions into someone that you aren't really compatible with in person. I've met a few guys that online or on the phone we got along with great but when we met it was "BLAH when it this date over" feeling.

LB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:40pm

LB..you are funny! Your X sounds just like mine...I was like..OMG, do these guys have a reference manual! Yea, I was not allowed to be happy...cause if I was, I was getting it somewhere else...or if I fixed myself up, he would say...who you fixing yourself up for?...Like, me, myself and I... a**hole!! And before..I was totally against masturbating, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do....guys aren't the only ones that get blue balls! Although I dont know what the anatomical reference would be, we get that feeling, sorta! Thanks for the info on the DV...Im going to check it out.

I was thinking about meetin my guy in May...Im a student, and a mom of 2..so its kinda rough right now, I have to concentrate on those 3 things..school, kid #1 and kid #2..Im in there somewhere too....TG for my mom/dad, they are a godsend!!! I love this thing....message board...this is the first time I've done this. I hope to get a guys perspective too, so any guys out there...please comment, I would appreciate it!!!

LP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:40pm

I would be very careful about anyone you met through chatting. Really, the guy could be anyone. He might be married or nothing like he says. I would not disclose any details about the abuse to him because you're not sure if you can trust the online guy.

When I was newly separated and very lonely after breaking it off with my psycho controlling exh, I met someone locally through a chat forum. I was a naive internet user in those days. He turned out to be a major creep. I stupidly mentioned where I worked in one of our chats. I didn't give him the address, but he found where I worked and showed up one day with flowers. He looked disgusting and nothing like the photo he had originally sent me. I got a very creepy sick feeling. Luckily, he went away without too much hassle...but that was my uncomfortable embarrassing lesson about chatting and the internet.

If you are interested in dating, I would suggest online dating. Put in your profile that you are separated and that you have children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:41pm

Welcome - I think you have great advice so far - and we are glad to have you hear - hope you participate in our discussions and help others too.

I think you should concentrate on getting back on your own two feet with your school and your family and hopefully a lot of friends. It is great that your mom and dad will help you - and great that you are working on your future. Especially after all you have been through - sorry to hear you had such a rough time.