More Advice Needed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
More Advice Needed...
5
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:53pm
I posted a month or two ago regarding a parenting/ex issue and you all were very straight forward and helped me soooo much you have no idea. I would have thanked y'all earlier but I have pretty limited internet access since my home computer is down and I'm limited at work. :-(

Anyway onward to the next issue....

I have a dd, 7 years old. I have a boyfriend, 33 years old (LOL). I have an ex who lives up the street...literally. He's remarried, has two step-sons and 1 child from his marriage. That's all great.

Here's my problem. Since I have lived in the same town since our breakup and we're practically neighbors an issue has recently risen regarding me buying a house sometime next year with my boyfriend (will be fiance by then) and myself. His issue doesn't appear to be me and my so buying a house, the issue is he expects it be in the same town. I don't particularly like the houses in the town I live in so I've pretty much settled on that fact that I'll be moving out of the town and my dd will eventually have to switch schools. My dd is VERY opposed to all this. Now, I'm not planning to move that far away. Tops would be about 15 miles...which is essentially a 1/2 hour ride up the road. Now my ex is self-employed so he basically has my dd from the time she gets home from school (since he is able to home to meet her) until I get home from work around 6:30 p.m. So he's not your average every-other-weekend dad. He sees her everyday. So he's freaking out that I want to move out of town. I've explained to him that when making a decision on a house....I have a certain radius that wouldn't take his daughter more than a 1/2 hour away at most. I'd like to be even closer, but it all depends on the house we find and where it's located.

My dd doesn't want to move and tries to manipulate me by saying she's not coming...she'll live with her dad, in an attempt to try to get me to change my mind about moving. (We currently live in a 2 bedroom apt with a backyard that is a parking lot). I want better for her, for us. The problem lies with my ex catering to this behavior saying she has a choice blah blah blah...and if she doesn't want to move she doesn't have to. We are talking about a 7 year old here...she didn't like it when I got a new car, or when I change the shower curtain, but eventually she adjusts. I moved as a kid, I didnt' like it...but I had no choice. I feel like him aluding to the fact that she has a choice is making this harder on me and my dd. In the instance that we do in fact move 1/2 hour away, it's not like he can't get in his car, go pick her up from school, bring her home, and I can pick her up on the way home...like happens now. It's just little out of the way. I don't know why my ex can't be more supportive and I understand that he feels like his relationship with his daughter is being threatened, but if he'd stop to think long enough he would realize that even though I'll be moving within the next year I'm still trying to keep the best interests of him and my dd at heart. Now I feel like he's threatening my relationship or my custody of my dd.

I feel like he's trying to manipulate me into buying a house in the town he lives in which isn't the town I want to live in. Why? The homes are very old...few have garages which is a necessity so that my so, who is a mechanic, can do some work on the side for extra money.

I look forward to imput...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 5:01pm
Why don't you leave your daughter in her current school and drive her the half hour to school in the morning? She has had so much change in life with her parents divorcing, remarrying etc that the stability of staying in the same school will probably be good for her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:02pm
I agree with this post.

I think you should try harder to keep her in the same school. Focus on your daughter and everything else will follow suit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:16pm
I think you need an attorney to fill you in on the legal angle here. In CA in a situation like yours where the dad is very hands on, the court will support him and not let you take the child out of the county. I know someone who got the verbal ok, but after she sold and bought a new home, he changed his mind,the judge said you can't and they had to turn around and buy another home back where they started.

At seven, she can't decide where she wants to live. At 13, yes. But that's in CA.

I think that he can say whatever he wants to suit his needs, but they may not in actual fact be valid threats that a court will uphold. That's why I suggest that you consult an attorney and figure out where you stand before you invest a lot of money in a home you can't move into.

Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 9:17am
That doesn't make any sense, because I could live one town over, which is a different county, or stay in county and live up to 40 minutes away. I could live 20 minutes away in county or twenty minutes away out of county. There is potential to live much further away in county.

That doesn't seem like something my ex would fight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 7:15pm
These people bought their home 1.5 hours away from the father's house.