more family drama for SYB

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
more family drama for SYB
11
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 11:26am
OK so the ring is still here - no news there. Meanwhile, SYB's sister B is pregnant with the bf/alcoholic's baby after they moved to Florida. I know I mentioned this a while back. They had been pregnant before and miscarried and I figured they would keep trying even though he is a mess and so is she. For those of you who remember, her boyfriend ( father of baby) was SYB's good friend and in the end because of the drinking/cheating/driving while drunk none of us approved. She stuck by him and alienated herself while living here. SYB had set her up with a place to live and a job and she basically made herself very scarce once she knew we didnt approve of her being with this guy even though it was obvious we just thought he was bad news. The contention grew to the point where things got quite crazy and violent and the boyfriend attacked SYB physically and me verbally and B just watched and yes, grinned. She made it very clear she thought I had ruined him and he had never been the same since he was with me and the two of them basically called him my boy toy. they also took the time to call my then nine year old son "a queer and destine to be gay" I have not gotten over it and may not ever.
So yesterday we get the news that she has placenta previa and the other sister who SYB isnt close with wants everyone to support B and call her and possible come to help for the delivery end of Feb. B has been in touch with nobody but her since she left. There have been no apologies, just silence.
For those of you who are nurses out there....how serious is this? They told us that she is not partial but that the placenta is completely covering the cervix for what it is worth - at least I think that is what was said. There is no bleeding, they found it on a scan. For some reason ( I assume she has no health ins) the baby is only insured for the first 48 hours after delivery so there is some concern there. I dont get that at all but maybe some of you will.
SYB is obviously concerned about her. I dont think it would help for him to go to Florida since there has been no communication since that violent night and I dont know whether I am being reasonable but honestly it would hurt me if he did. I am probably being unreasonable. But she hasnt taken the time to apologize to anyone and after what she said about my son, I am just done with her. If she left the bf and was needing help getting away from him pregnant or with a newborn I would of course have some empathy but to me she is choosing this rough road and she has chosen a road that does not include SYB by being with a man who attacked him for no reason. I dont want more drama and I feel if he goes down there he could get hurt and it will only add to her stress to have SYB and her bf in one location. And I think it will just rile things up again and we were doing fine without that mess.
Am I a bi*ch for feeling upset if he takes off work and spends money going down there and I have to pick up the slack back here? I know it is his sister and he has lost both of his parents so even though they are estranged I am sure the thought of something happening to her has him freaked. I feel conflicted even as I write that sentence.
I honestly dont know how I would deal very well with them reconciling after everything she said that night, particularly about DS.
Any thoughts?
Lilypie - Personal picture

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Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 12:25pm

Hmmm... it's a toughie.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 12:27pm

Well City I totally understand why you feel so strongly about SYB's actions in this situation.

Rosecolouredspecs
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Registered: 05-06-2008
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 12:46pm

I presented with placenta

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 12:49pm
You're right. I shouldnt worry too much until it happens. He hasnt said what he would do in the event of anything so maybe I should ask him too and just deal. I think the unknown stresses me sometimes when it comes to this sort of family drama.
And I agree, if she is in danger and things take a bad turn, he should be there.
And at this point, she has still said nothing. it is the other sister doing the talking and she is not neutral for what it is worth. SYB and that sister havent gotten along in decades. There has been hardly any relationship between them except for her to judge everyone for not doing enough. She has issues with everyone in the family and even B referred to her as the "crazy sister" before they started back communication after the incident we all went through last year. I figure she needed B's support since she had alienated her other siblings. SYb is very close with his eldest sister J who lives close to us. I dont know yet whether she is planning a trip down there but I think so far she has indicated that if B wants her to go down there all she has to do is call but she wont go unless there is communication specifically from her of some sort. That males sense to me. Who knows whether B would even want them down there? I dont think she is ready to leave her bf and our last scene together was so horrible I doubt she wants to relive that.
Thanks for your input. It really helps.
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 08-28-2008
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 12:50pm

ITA with Alison on this one, City.


If SYB does go I am sure it would be only so that of something were to happen to her he would not live his life regretful for not at least being there. KWIM? And like Alison said, it would not at all be a reflestion on you and ds and SYBs commitment to you first. I think in this situation as tough as it is, you may need to give SYB your support and understanding. Tell him that although you are still detached and (rightfully) hurt over B and her words, that you understand he is her brother and that if things gte bad you know he would need to be there. Its is ony a couple days...in the long run I think SYB would feel better have gone there rather than not going and then feeling bad.


And remember that SYB can keep his boundaries strong and in place. He won't be manipulated or sucked into their drama and world. He can be there to show support without giving himself and his values up to them. Hope this helps.

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 12:56pm
thanks for this post. it helps so much to have that perspective on things. I know how much family means to him and I respect that. My largest fear is that her apologies would be vacant and her words to me and DS were so venomous it almost doesnt matter what she says at this point. I know it sounds horrible but I dont want her here in my house or near DS and I would literally call the police if I saw her psycho bf near the property. I think I just cringe when I think of SYB and B becoming sister and brother again after a vacuous half apology to me - picturing them off at lunch or something together while I stick to my guns just seems wrong but I know it would be my choice. I feel she was extremely two faced with me and I wouldnt trust her now. You might be right that SYB's relationship with her wont be the same but I think somehow he would accept it if she said she didnt approve of me or DS but just wanted to have him back in her life and that hurts my heart. I guess it really would help if I spoke to him about it more...
thanks again for posting.
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 1:09pm
You girls are great. I do feel better already. And I have decided to have a heart to heart with him about it because I know that will help. He is talking to his older sister J later this afternoon so I will wait until they have had a long talk just the two of them.
And I know youa re right that him being there would mean that he was there for his family and that is truly very important to him especially with his parents gone. I wouldnt want to ever take that away from him.
I guess there are just times where I truly feel like I wish SYB had a family that welcomed me and DS with open arms. We have never had that since we started dated. Just doubts and questions about me being a single mother and who Luc was with when we went on a date and whether he was planning on marrying me and how that would effect his career, etc etc. I have supported him through thick and thin career wise and otherwise and there has been just no welcome or warmth really until the past six months and only from J. And honestly, even though she has extended some warmth it always seems with reservation with her because it is kind of her character. She is super careful about everything. My family has totally embraced him like he is their long lost son or brother. And actually in every other relationship I have been in, everyone has been so happy to have me in their family, it was always so easy. I am not used to being talked about behind my back and made out to be a liability for someone I love so much. And I know that they were talking about me because of the events that transpired that night. B went after me and everyone but SYB was silent. I got no support from J at the time and she has never spoken to me about it. It hurts me to even type about it. I think we are great together and they just dont get it for the most part. None of them have ever attended a concert. They dont even know what I do. almost 3 years of concerts and none of them have bothered to attend anything. it just seems off to me. I am used to being accepted so freely this is new to me so I guess I will have to get used to it. Like I bet when we get engaged J will be happy for us - but will she really? My family will be ecstatic.
It is just tough I guess to realize he was surrounding by so many women growing up and that is one of the reasons he is so brilliant with me but it doesnt seem as if any of them truly approve of us.
I seem to be derailing my own thread but I honestly think it is all linked in my head and heart somewhere.
Sorry for the rant.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 1:11pm
I know I will have to be strong and give him the support he needs as you say.
What you wrote below helps a lot:
And remember that SYB can keep his boundaries strong and in place. He won't be manipulated or sucked into their drama and world. He can be there to show support without giving himself and his values up to them. Hope this helps.
I know this is true. I wish things were simpler all the way around but I can feel better reading that statement.
Thanks Pac!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 08-28-2008
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 1:20pm

I used to worry a LOT about BE getting sucked into his family's drama. His daughter for example, is a drama junkie and BE used to bend over backwards for her, and get all sucked in. But time has helped him distance himself and see the disfunction in her life...and that it is not his fault...and that he does not have to feel guilty for not rescuing her but instead allowing her to fix herself.


He still loves her and tells her that. He still shows his verbal support, bit he has learned boudaries with her. Not to toot my own horn but maybe some of that has to do with my talking with him and illustrating how toxic she has been. And encouraging him to set those boundaries.


Now when she is in crisis he still calls and even goes to see her. But I now know he won't get too involved anymore. Just wanted to share that with you because I understand family drama and the disfunction! I bet that this is how SYB will be with B. You are a great support and his rock of understanding, and he knows that he has YOU as his family now. I'm sure this makes it easier for him to keep his psychological gaurd up with them.


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 2:30pm

You might be right that SYB's relationship with her wont be the same but I think somehow he would accept it if she said she didn't approve of me or DS but just wanted to have him back in her life and that hurts my heart.


City - I have never had the opportunity to meet either one of you in real life, but I highly highly doubt, from what you have written about SYB, that he would do that.

Rosecolouredspecs

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