More Rain, but then a rainbow

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
More Rain, but then a rainbow
7
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 11:46am

I had a counseling session last night, but my counselor was not supportive of my future plans with BF. I told her just what I told you guys in my post yesterday, but she was less than thrilled. She said it’s too soon and that we were rushing things. I told her that we weren’t moving in together tomorrow, that it was 6 months away, we just expressed our desire to be together and to make future plans. Then she proceeded to bring up all my past relationship mistakes (I know – I lived them, I don’t need to be reminded of them). She said there wasn’t enough time between my break up with Mark and me starting a new relationship. As far as Mark is concerned, I don’t even think about him any more, except when I’m having an uncomfortable outbreak and I think of what an SOB he is – other than that, he’s long gone out of my life. Then I suggested that me and my twins get into family counseling so that it could help them adjust to moving and everything. She didn’t agree with that either because she said that it did not happen yet and how do I know it is going to happen. I told her that I did not want to wait until my kids were having a problem to try to get them help. Then I said that Mark told me many times that he moved a lot as a kid and it was very traumatic for him. Then I said to her, “Mark is 44 years old, never married, no children, he’s a total commitment phobe, he’ll never get married or have children, and he dates only women with children because were safe because he knows he will never marry us, and I do not want my son to end up like that”. She looked at me like I was green. Not a good session.

So I drove out of the parking lot and I had to stop somewhere before I got home. I called BF but he was not home. I was upset, so I needed to talk to someone. I called my ex-BIL, Kevin. I still call him my BIL even though he and my sister have been divorced for over 4 years and he is now remarried. I figured if there was anyone out there who could understand where I was coming from, it would be him, plus we have always been good friends and remained good friends even after his divorce because I don’t talk to my sister. Anyway, I told him about how bad the counseling session went, and how bad my family reacted when I told them I wanted them to meet my BF. I haven’t even told my family about our long-term plans. He told me not to. He told me to keep everything to myself. He and my sister were high school sweethearts, so he knows my family for a long time and very well. I told Kevin about our plans, and about my BF and just how I thought everyone was misjudging me because I really have been very low-key and level headed about this whole thing. I am not starry eyed nor rash. I’m trying to be careful and cautious, and he said that he could tell just from what I was saying. He felt I was going about things the right way, and that I should just continue to do it that way. As for my family, he suggested dinner with mom and dad only, and the rest of the family BF could maybe meet at the next family party. I told him that my sister T gave me a hard time. He wasn’t surprised. He said my family has seen me go through hell in the last five years, and they just want to be protective. And he said T has always been overprotective of me, worse than anyone else. He said it’s like my family wants to take me and lock me in a room by myself so that I won’t get hurt again, but I don’t want to be locked in the room, so that’s where the resistance comes in. Makes sense to me. He told me that if I was ever out his way, to swing by with BF because he would like to meet him. And if I wanted BF to meet anyone, it would be Kevin because they are so much alike. I felt so much better after talking to him.

I don’t live my life for my family, I just with that for one time in my life, they could be happy for me. But until that day comes, I have to just keep doing my own thing, and maybe they’ll come around.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 1:13pm

Maybe you should try to find a new counselor?

What is in the past is in the past. I think that you had enough time after Mark - it seems that you were not so crazy with him the 2nd time around and you had mental closure when it was done.

The only thing I would say, after some thought and thinking of you at 5AM this morning when I woke up, is that I would not move without an engagement ring.

I want to write more about that - and will in a 2nd post - but I have to run out the door right now - so hang in there, Donna!!

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 1:55pm

As I keep telling you.......... GET RID OF THAT THERAPIST!


She is just the worst and I can't stand her! LOL. Just kidding. Darling, we've discussed this before... I don't think your therapist is good for you for many reasons. Anyway, when you DO move, you'll have to find a new one anyway! :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 2:06pm

I don't know your past on here, but I have to be honest when I read your thread, MY stomach was in knots.. I also have to agree with the last comment, I also do believe that not all therapists are one size fits all.. It doesn't sound as if she's being very supportive, or even thinking that you are at all capable to make decisions for yourself.
I think in order for her to help you make the right move, she should have come across totally different.

Again, I dont know your past, but going by my gut instinct, I think that maybe you've outgrown this this therapist. You shouldn't leave the session feeling bad, you should be leaving with either contemplative thoughts, or stronger.

I hope you don't get offended, I just think she was out of line with you...

Take care
Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:31pm

Okay now I am back.

First of all, as I have said before I do think this one is very different from the ones in the past. You have learned from your mistakes and you do both want the same thing and the STD did help you slow down and it also showed his true colors. Plus the eharmony is an added bonus - I think they do a good job. So you do have my blessing so far.

I think it is good that you are talking about the future and what you both want. He indicates that he will make a commitment and he is having you meet key people. That is all good. Don't feel like you have to push your family up to the plate to meet him on this - allow them to warm up on their own. I think they will do that faster on their own if you give them a big chill.

Now about the ring and the move. If you go through a lot of trouble to move with you and the kids you have a lot at stake. You are going to go through a lot more trouble than him. That sort of puts things in an unbalanced situation and to me that is never good. I think you should wait just a bit more until this summer, since you can't really move until the summer with the kids in school and revisit the topic again. At that time I would state that I am not moving without a ring on my finger.

I would not mind a long engagement - to see how everything settles with the kids and have a good feeling when you walk down the aisle.

But if you move in and don't have a ring you are going to be stressed and this is going to put you at a disadvantage. You will have no leverage for the ring later on. Guys tend to be simpletons, taking the path of least resistance and doing what is easy. If you don't make a grand effort to make the 2 families blend (like they HAVE TO FOREVER) and you are just living together to "see" you won't have as much of a chance for both of you making it work and him wanting to commit later on.

I think it is less effort to drive a little now and then be sure with the ring and the move either by this summer or the next.

But I do think this one is good from what you have told us here. As to your counselor and family, too bad if they don't agree with you - imagine what people would have said about Edison and his light bulbs. Or about Lance's mom - she got it right on the 4th try.

I think you should find a new therapist that can work with both of you and the kids. Not give you her opinion about the future based on the past. That is a different tactic.

Hope this helps. It is what I would do. I am hoping that others will give their opinions and experiences, too.

(edited to add statement about eharmony)




Edited 3/8/2006 5:03 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:02pm

Judy:

Thanks for taking the time to respond back to me. I loved this post and you are very right on so many things.

First, it's funny that you mentioned the E-Harmony thing. Steve feels the same way. It takes you so long to fill out the questionaire, then it takes you like a week to go through all the steps before you can e-mail each other, by the time you actually meet face to face, you already know that person. He was just telling his dad that last Saturday. Plus, you have the advantage of asking some real tough questions, and if you don't like the answer, all you have to do is hit "delete" and that person is gone forever. If you are a patient person, it can work.

As far as intimacy and the whole STD issue, I just got lucky to find a person that was willing to work around it, because I know a lot of guys just would not want to be bothered. And I am glad we waited, although I can tell you that we probably would not have if it wasn't for the STD, so that worked out to our advantage. To tell you a funny story, when we finally got to that point last weekend, after more than 3 months of dating, I said that I knew sooo much about him; his childhood, his baseball career, his marriage, but I knew nothing about what he liked in that department. All he said was "everything", and we both started cracking up! You've been saying it for as long as I have been on this board, and I just wanted you to know that I, from personal experience, that it worked for me, but I am sure that there will be people who could debate me on that.

Last, but most importantly, I also think you are right about the ring. Last night I was feeling very anxious and upset about my counselor, and my family, and as soon as I picked up the phone when Steve called, he said to me, what's wrong, you don't seem like yourself. I explained to him some of the things I was feeling. And I asked him, straight out, if he ever wanted to get married, if he was a marriage or commitment phobe, or if he just wanted to "play house". He said, very adamantly that he wanted to marry me, it's just a matter of working out all the details. We are in a funny position with the distance between us and our houses, and he just wants to make sure we do the right thing and not have either one of us be at risk of losing our house. He even said that when his exwife came to pick up his son, she mentioned that she was moving into another house and that it would be closer to him. Then he told me that he told her that we were getting engaged and that he wasn't sure whether we were moving or building onto his house because we needed more room with 5 people. I was very surprised he told her that. So, I guess he must be very serious. And, I predict, that he will get me that ring, no matter what I say, and I have a feeling he will be giving it to me soon.

As for that silly little ring, after talking to him last night, I was convinced there are no doubts on his part and he knows exactly what he wants to do. As for me, I think I need a somewhat long engagement. I've been hurt so many times, as you know, that I refuse to jump in with both feet and loose all commonsense. But I'm willing to take the chance, and take the time it takes to work all our reservations out. He said all it takes is compromise, and that we haven't had any problem in that area to this point.

My hesitation about the ring has been simple (at least to me it seems that way). It has nothing to do with him, or commitment or anything like that. I am terrified of my family and what they will say and what they will think. And I know everyone out there will say that I'm a big girl and I can make my own decisions, and yes, that is very true. And nothing that they say or do will change my mind. It's just that I have always been sooo close to them. When my exhusband left me with 3-month-old twins, everyone rallied around me and gave me so much help and support. My family has done things for me that I could never repay, and I love them so much for that. I just want their blessing, that's all. I know they will think we are moving too fast. Yes, it probably seems that way, but like Steve says, through the whole E-Harmony thing, and the amount of time we spend on the phone talking to each other (he calls me every day, at least once, and usually every evening -- and if an evening passes that I don't call, I'll get a call in the morning asking me if I am ok), and the fact that when we do see each other its from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, every other weekend, that we probably know each other better in 5 months than most people who are just occasionally dating do.

Since I started this, my sister called me and asked if I was bringing Steve to her St. Patrick's party on Sunday. She said she felt that was better than all of us doing dinner and putting him on the spot. I said that I had asked him, but he has plans with his son. I said that I would ask mom and dad out for dinner, and everyone else can meet him when there is a family party. Then I changed the subject. I really didn't want to talk to her any more about my personal life, but she does seem to be coming around, even just a little bit.

All I know is this: from his first e-mail at E-Harmony, I knew he was different. Then, the first time we talked, I felt like I knew him for a long time. He is wonderful with my kids. He told me last night that he would love to adopt my kids, but he knows he can't because of their dad. I know I have finally found someone I can be a family with, and that is something that I never had with anyone else. Yeah, I'm scared, but hopefully I can get over that fear in the upcoming months.

Thanks for listening and your support.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 9:03pm

This is all good indeed. I think you will go in the right direction with him and all of this. I like what you write.

Keep us posted - we are blessed to hear your story - it gives us faith. We are always here for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:34pm

Donna,


I think Steve sounds like a great guy, and I'm really glad that you two have found each other.


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