To move or not to move...HELP
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To move or not to move...HELP
| Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:48pm |
I am new to this board, so this may be slow going. I am a single mother of two, the children’s father (my ex husband) currently lives in another state. He will only be there until October of 06. He is in New Orleans helping re-build after the hurricane. He isn’t doing this out of the kindness of his heart; he is doing it to further his career. This is where the problems begin. Let me give a little background before I continue. We were high school sweethearts, started dating my freshman year and lasting all through high school. His senior year (he is two years older than me) I got pregnant. I was told I’d never have children, and we were in a monogamous relationship, so we didn’t use birth control. We ended up marrying two years later, and had another child. We eventually grew apart and tried “trail separations” twice in our marriage before we realized we were doing more damage to the kids staying together than if we divorced. We divorced 1 year ago after a 6 ½ year marriage, and after living apart for a year. We are still great friends, and love each other very much, but just realized early enough that if we continued to stayed married we would grow to hate each other. He is truly my best friend. Now comes the problem. He plans on opening a business in Florida after his job is done in Orleans. He wants the children and me to move there when he moves so that he can be close to the children. We have discussed moves and how we will handle it before, and we agreed that if it was important and not for a girlfriend/boyfriend, we would both move so neither of us would have to be without the kids. He flew down to AZ to see the kids for Christmas, and everything that drove me nuts about him re-surfaced. He spent more time drinking with his friends than seeing the kids. He did spend time with them, but only after he did his own thing first. He is very stern and strict with the kids, and made them cry often during his visit. He hadn’t seen them for three months, so I assumed he’d put more effort into spending time with them. I was wrong. I had to explain over and over again why Daddy was out with friends instead of with them without making him seem like the selfish jerk he is. Don’t get me wrong, he provides well for the kids, never hesitates monetarily, and calls them every night while he’s gone, but he’s always been the type to put work first, then his friends and hobbies, and then use any left over time for the kids. I just don’t know now whether it’s a good idea to move to Florida now. We will be completely alone there. All my family lives within 5 miles of me in AZ, and I know no one in Florida, nor do my kids. Even his parents live in the same city as me, so they see the kids whenever they want. I just know if I move to Florida he’ll ignore the children like he did during his visit, and I can’t use the excuse that Daddy isn’t seeing them because he is working in a different state. It gets more complicated too. I have been dating someone for the past year, and he also has a child from a previous marriage. We have talked of marriage, and are very much in love. I am involved in his daughter’s life, but have kept him from seeing my kids. We’ve done small things together with my kids, but only if his daughter was there so that it was more of a friend going to the movies kind of thing. I just don’t want my kids to get attached to someone before I’m sure. But now I am very much attached to his daughter, and her to me, and I love this guy a lot. So if I moved I’d being leaving that relationship and I don’t know if I can do that. But then I feel selfish for even considering staying for that when it would keep my kids from their father. I just need some advice, because I am too confused to do any good for myself right now!

You aren't keeping the kids from him, he's choosing to not be around them.
Welcome to the board.
Thanks guys, you've given me some great advice. I don't think it's anything I didn't already know, but hearing from someone else makes me feel a little less selfish. And second opinions are always a good thing!
I know I shouldn't make excuses for him, but I can't seem to help it. My parents were divorced when I was still an infant, and the few times I visited my father he had nothing but bad things to say about my mother. It made me really resent my father. My mother on the other hand always made excuses for my father and never said a negative thing about him. I realized when I was older that my dad was a POS, and it made me respect my mother more for trying to give me the best view of my father even though he didn’t deserve it. I just don’t want to negatively cloud their view of their father, so I guess I overcompensate on things a bit much.
I did talk to him this morning and told him we wouldn’t be moving, and he of course gave me the guilt trip of a lifetime. It’s what I expected, but I think he needs to know that I am done catering to him and what makes his life easier. Maybe know he’ll take more responsibility and make the effort to see the kids. If not, I’ll at least know that I made every attempt to make things good for the boys. He doesn’t pay child support (I requested no support during the divorce) he doesn’t pay alimony, and he doesn’t have to worry about doctor appointment, sporting events they are in, schooling decisions, or clothing. So essentially all he has to do is show up. If that’s not enough for him then it is him that is missing out on the best thing he has going for him. I just hope the kids know when they are older that I have done everything in my power to make them happy and raise them the right way.
Ok, two things:
One, you don't have to say anything negative about him- but making excuses for him should stop.
Welcome to our board.
Your letter SCREAMS the answer - STAY PUT in AZ. Put yourself first. And then everything will fall into place.
You would be stark raving crazy, in my opinion, to give up a happy life near friends, your family and a boyfriend you love and who loves you back to follow a dodo ex to a strange place and then put up with his crap. Your support net is very important as a single mom. And you need stability and happiness to shoulder your burden.
He can keep sending money and visit when he can. Or he can stay - it seems to me that the decision is more his than yours.
STAY!!
I just thought of one more thing. I know you discussed that you would move. But that was then and this is now. The simple statement - that just doesn't work for me and the kids now is the answer if you need one. Be firm and set a boundary. He might not like it but he will have to live with it.
Please keep us posted - we really care about you!!
And I can totally relate what you say about your ex - he must have been the twin of mine.
Well, I'm glad that he is helping out some.
That is good he is supporting you financially - and calling - and he can do all of that easily from FL while you stay in your support network with people who give their TIME.
My exh was cut from the same stone as yours - it is like you are writing about him the exact same. So I do know how you feel. There is nothing you can do except look out for your own interests and not feel guilty about doing that. Your kids need a happy stable mom.
Keep us posted - we hope you join in posting and chatting with us on other threads and this board.
I agree with Alison, you don't have to make negative comments.