Moving on

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Moving on
9
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 4:28pm
So I have realized that every relationship I have had panned out the same way. Not because I picked the same type of guy but because I approached it the same way. I have realized that yes, Jack had commitment issues BUT what I did wrong was not to say right away that I desired a committed relationship and all the things that go with that. I didn't see the difference between and "exclusive" relationship and a committed one. I should have said right off that I desired and deserved that and was not willing to take less. But I did. I should have done it and didn't out of fear - because I didn't think enough of myself. I set myself up to be used and in fact I made it so that was ALL I could be was used. I am actually grateful that finally Jack held to the breaking up because honestly - I know that he loves me - and he loved me/cared about me enough to say that he couldn't continue using me any longer - he took over the self-esteem that I apparently couldn't have. He is not ready for a commitment and that is that. In fact if I had told him that before we might be together because I would have let him know that I was worth a commitment and I just cheapened myself by not requiring it.

SO I move forward with this information and I know that it will take a SOLID effort to maintain this balance and not revert to the old ways. Over the past month I have really done a lot of thinking and prepping and have driven myself crazy actually. But I feel better and have for the past week. So today I decided to meet a new person. I had spoken to him on the phone. He had approached me and made an effort to contact me. He asked to meet me for coffee today which I did. I listened to him and talked very little. I watched him. And when we parted he said that he would like to see me again but he would leave that up to me. I told him flat out that if he wanted to see me again he would have to initiate that (basically that I wouldn't be calling HIM) and he said that if that was the case he wanted to see me TONIGHT! I laughed and told him that wasn't really possible and then she told me he was free for the next several nights if I could get a sitter. (he has a 4 year old daughter he picks up from school everyday and has every 4 days for 4 days). I told him I would see if that was possible and let him know.

So I think that went well. Right? I am feeling HIM out and seeing if he is what I want - not the other way around. I found myself always looking for someone to love me and I have decided that I need to find someone to love - that is worthy of it. My big thing is not putting someone in a corner which I did with Jack. I feel badly because I had a big enough hand in messing that up. from now on I will do it different (I hope)

On a side note - this guy is really really cute! In fact when he pulled up next me in his car he was way cuter than I thought he would be and I have to say as soon as he pulled in front of me my jaw just DROPPED. Yowsers!

Anyhow - I have been interupted 3 times while writing this so I hope it made sense. I think I will ask my mother to babysit tomorrow night and see how it goes. I am movign SLOW this time and NO WAY am I going to go too far without not only requiring a real commitment but knowing that this guy is worth giving it to. Besides that I still have feelings for Jack that I need to get past or work through before I would feel right moving forward completely. I need to remain focused and know what I want from these men before I accept anything at all. Which won't be anything less than EXACTLY what I want from NOW ON (dang it!)

So wish me luck. :)

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:09pm
*I am actually grateful that finally Jack held to the breaking up because honestly - I know that he loves me - and he loved me/cared about me enough to say that he couldn't continue using me any longer*


That's a really interesting take on it. I don't believe you use people you love. I think you still see him through rose colored glasses.

I am glad you're moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:38pm
This sounds very good, Laura and of course I wish you all the best. Please keep us posted.

Does the new guy have a name? How did you meet him?

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:03pm
While I have to agree that you saw Jack through rose colored glasses (I really don't believe that someone who really loves you uses you--although it could be argued that he didn't use you since he was pretty clear many times it seems that commitment/family wasn't what he was looking for) I think you're completely on the right track by acknowledging for yourself that you can only be used if you allow yourself to be used. And that you spent a lot of time not really hearing what he was saying in terms of wanting different things. If you know what you want it's easier to recognize that what you're getting doesn't match up to that. The new guy sounds nice but go slow; I married a rebound relationship (my first husband) after a break up with a really great guy (that break up was basically about a long distance thing just not working out and differences in what we found to be mutually acceptable in terms of the risks associated with changing that situation. I'm glad all these years later though I don't think we were right for each other for a lifetime commitment and both ended up married to the right people;it just took me longer to the to the right one.) Anyway, back to knowing what you want and not accepting less;that's important and is better for you and for the person you're with. Example, dh's last girlfriend before me wanted to be married again and told dh 1 month into the dating (and they were only dating once a week or so) that she needed to get married again because she was tired of working. He said, wow, I'm never getting married again and I'm not going to live with you either. And he never loved her, didn't tell her he did either, and told her the entire time that he wasn't interested in marriage ever. But because of that, she always accused him of cheating on her, was bitchy toward him, etc. And I tell you, he took her to nice places, bought her jewelry, defended her to his friends who thought she was bad news and didn't like her, etc. But because he didn't want what she wanted she felt he was an a#%*%&*. And for his part, he was pretty fed up with her too so the breakup was mutual. In fact it's because that relationship was so bad that dh didn't date anyone at all for 6 months before he met me. She got over her bad feelings about him eventually and even bought dh and I a drink once when we went into a place she tended bar at. My point though is that you're a lot more likely to find happiness by really being okay with yourself and being clear about what you want, and recognizing and moving on when that isn't where they're at. I would just be careful in making it clear that commitment is something you evenutally want in your life so they don't think you're trying to move faster than you are and run off over misunderstanding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:17pm
"...that you're a lot more likely to find happiness by really being okay with yourself and being clear about what you want, and recognizing and moving on when that isn't where they're at. I would just be careful in making it clear that commitment is something you evenutally want in your life so they don't think you're trying to move faster than you are and run off over misunderstanding."

___________

Very well put!!! I think the best and biggest step is in figuring out what you want, that you are worth what you want and that not everyone wants what you want. The challenge is to fish for a fish that wants you and wants what you want. This takes time. Patient 'fisherladies' wait for the right catch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:41pm
I do want that - to be married again and so does he but I think we are on the same page in knowing that takes time. How qucikly everyone forgets Jack tried to break up we me many times MANY time because of his not knowing what he wanted. I know that the whole time he was with me he wanted to figure it out but as anything, it is hard to change direction midstream. I was the one that kept getting things moving again because of course we loved being together and regardless of goals, when you have a connection it is hard to give it up. I was the one that wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship - not him. It was my choice to continue the relationship because of that. So maybe using is the right term. I think he finally just could not accept that no matter what I said he wasn't able to give me the commitment I desired and although he was fine to just be with me he knew that under it all - it wasn't fine for me. I think personally that takes a lot. When a guy is getting what he wants why WOULD he leave except caring enough about the person to want them to be happy? And he can't give something he isn't ready to give. Only I really know him and trust me. He loves me and this break-up was based on him being unable to fullfil my desire of a committed relationship. With distance and time he may change his tune. Who knows? I know that this has happened in the past but in the meantime I am not counting on it or waiting for that. The reality is I love him and he a good person and I would love to be with him but not again on any terms except those involving a commitment. With that I believe things could be very good.

So I am moving on and I am not looking at it in a "for now" sense - as Jack had said we are breaking up "for now". I didn't like that. We broke up. Anything in the future that is presented will be new and based on new "rules" and new circumstances. Or it won't happen at all. Either way - I am moving toward what I want right now and that is a relationship that at least has the possibility of leading to marriage. A person must want that when they go into it and not be "confused"

I put my profile up on Yahoo and decided that anyone who was really interested would give me personal contact info. I wrote a very long and detailed profile. He emailed me with his contact information and I sent back a "icebreaker" response of "where are my flip-flops you knocked my socks off!" hahaha. He then emailed me back and again encouraged me to contact him so I did. I then liked what he said - we talked an hour - and he asked me to meet him for coffee. So I did. then he asked to see me again and my mom is going to come and sit for a few hours so we can go to dinner tomorrow and I am going to stop by a charity benefit tomorrow. God help me he is in the racing biz LOL. So that is what I am doing. I am by NO means going to do anything physical (besides some kissing maybe???) until I am sure that I want to move forward with him in a committed relationship. It may fizzle and fall flat. He might just end up a friend. But all this can be determined if I keep my pants on. LOL. He is very nice and different from the other guys I usually meet online - besides Jack. He didn't mention anything sexual and was a perfect gentleman and seemed very into getting to know me as a person. I didn't feel uncomfortable or pressured. We went to the same college which was an art school. He has his own business. He seems to be a very hands on and concerned father and wants more children. He was in the military and was in the Gulf War. He was stationed in Korea for a long time and actually modeled for Benneton for a time. He also taught conversational English in Korea. His ex wife whom he was married to for 8 years is the daughter of a Senator for Oregon...... he talked a long time but he knows a lot about me too. He knows I have been married 2 times and knows those stories - knows about my work and my family. We talk a lot hahahahha.

So anyways. That is the lo-down. We shall see. I am not jumping like crazy and I didn't talk about Jack at all. He put 2 and 2 together that it has only been a month since we broke up so he is no dummy. But I don't feel I need to go into the particulars of that at all. We are only getting to know each other and all things will reveal themselves in time.

As I said before, there is a very big misconception about what went on with Jack and I but I know what the truth is there and he is not as bad as you all feel and regardless I have no ill will against him.

Laura

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:00pm
You misunderstood me a bit I think; frankly I don't have much of an opinion about Jack at all other than he seems very young to me regardless of how old he is in that he's very much not in the same place you are right now which is not surprising since you have to be a full fledged grown up all the time--you're a mom, it comes with the territory. And in fact what you said about it was you not getting what you wanted not him that was exactly my point when I said that it was debatable whether he was using you or not since repeatedly from your posts anyway, it seemed that he was sending a clear message that he enjoyed being with you but wasn't in a permanent commitment place in his life. That's why I brought up my dh's last girlfriend; they were exclusive and that was definitely what he wanted but he didn't want any part of commitment and there is a definite difference. And often even if we're not getting what we really want and even if they try to break it off we women are stubborn and hold on because we love them and hope they'll eventually wind up wanting the same things that we do. It can happen of course, but most often in those situations, we only end up with heartache. That's why I'm so glad you're clear about what you're looking for. Glad you're seeing the new guy again, and glad you're planning to keep those jeans zipped for now ;) It can definitely cloud judgment.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 8:54am
Dear Laura,

glad you got your thoughts together and slowly moving on. I think that's really really great! I also think that everyone's feedback was also right on the money. Make sure you just don't run into something again after having had such a long relationship. I always run into something new because I wasn't looking yet for the relationship, nor could I stand a long one. I am going to take at least a whole month off now before getting back on the scene, but it might even be longer. I need to refocus on my life. This means looking deeper within me. I spend a lot of time with my girls, but at the moment all I want to do is stay at home and shut the door from everyone except my girls.

Just one more thing I wanted to note in regards to you defending Jack all the time:

It isn't like we made him look soooo bad. You made him look so bad. When you were angry and sad, you told us stories that made you angry and sad, which in turn made us angry and sad, giving you advice, support, etc. As soon as you were ok with it all again and you and Jack were smoochy moochy, the ladies here didn't forget how miserable you were. Have you thought about that? Maybe it's not all us, but a little you, on how YOU MADE JACK LOOK. We all tend to vent and put out our saddness, but you made Jack look like a selfish, spoiled, child and I'm sorry, but we didn't see him to be right for you and your daughter; who deserves more. Just a thought....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 4:37pm
Laura,

I haven't read all your posts about Jack, but I understand your feelings. I just posted about leaving my commitmentphobic boyfriend. My boyfriend stated that he wanted marriage and kid in the beginning though. So I feel a little deceived, but I realize that mostly my ex boyfriend has a very real commitment issue. It's like a mental disorder if you ask me. My guy was having insomnia and, I believe, anxiety attacks over our relationship. I think he really would have liked things to work out, but it was impossible.

My friends got tired of the roller coaster ride. They got sick of him long before I decided to throw the towel in.

I believe commitmentphobic men are kind of 'nice' guys. They aren't bad like womanizers. They really are kind of pathetic too.

I hope this new guy works out for you. I'm going back to the online thing too. I've had good luck with that kind of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sweet_peas_mum
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 4:42pm
Yup - that is exactly it. Sad for them. And sad for us too. :( OH well.

Yeah I haven't had bad luck with that. I mean there are toads yeah but I think you do better with online stuff than just trying to meet someone at a bar or what-have-you.

Good luck with your hunt!

Laura