Moving In Together???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Moving In Together???
19
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 6:42pm

Okay...so crush and I have pondered over the idea of moving in together for a little while now. Actually, he's brought it up to me about 5 times. While I like the idea, and want to move in with him (especially since I have to be out of my place in two weeks anyway), I brought up some things that he hadn't thought about. I didn't bring up all of these, but these are just some of the things that I'm thinking about.

#1) It's not just me moving in with him, but my dd as well.
#2) In many ways, she will become attached to him.
#3) While things aren't his responsibility, he will "play" a role - and what if that's a burden?
#4) What if it doesn't work out?
#5) If it's not going to work out then it never will, right?
#6) Regardless, why not go ahead and take a chance. I'll never know if I don't give it a try, right?

But...I'm nervous...and I want too...but I've never done anything like this before and I don't know how to really go about things. But, he said last night that he knows it will be a little different b/c of my dd, but that he's willing. So...whenever I'm ready to move my stuff in, then to just move it in.

So?

Kait

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 7:10pm

Kait,


STOP STOP STOP!!!


Last we heard from you you didn't even know what the STATUS of your relationship with crush was at, and now you're talking moving in together?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 7:27pm

Okay - you have to understand that I am older, on the conservative side and I HAVE lived with some bfs - so I can give you my opinion from that standpoint. Many think living together is okay and that is okay, too. It is okay to disagree and give a lot of viewpoints.

With that disclaimer, I am going to say NO WAY. And here are my reasons why.

1) I believe that you should keep a man on his toes. Always. And particularly before you get a ring or other commitment. I mean, if he sees you everyday and has to negotiate over all of the daily living chores and decisions and deal with your dd, what motivation is there to make the longterm commitment. He is not seeing you at your best. And we all know that men take the path of least resistance. You need your space to keep him missing you and to keep it fresh as you continue on your path to get to know each other.

2) I believe that if you are living together out of convenience in the short term, you will regret it over the long term. You having to move out of your place now is being very short sighted to use this as a solution.

3) I think that if you do make such a decision you should do it with the intent that there is no doubt this is your husband who is dedicated to you and dd. I believe from this post and the previous one that you do have questions in your head. Not that those are bad questions - but they need time to be answered.

4) I believe this would be a bad example for dd and potentially harmful to her and not in the best interest for her. I also believe you have not ironed out the stuff with your exh and the custody and this will not help that matter. The dust has not settled enough there.

5) I believe that you should sort out this relationship with your crush to really trust him and not have questions AND then you should involve him more in your dd's life to see if they will click and he will really accept the responsibility and true inconvenience of a child. That he will see her as an asset and not a nuisance.

6) I don't believe that you should take a chance. I believe you should be educated beyond a reasonable doubt by the test of time with this man. You are young - there is no rush. Find another place to live and buy yourself a big chunk of time.

7) You still have to get yourself through a lot of school. I believe you need your space to do this better.

But whatever you decide, we are here. I am sure the others will chime in - the more pairs of eyes you have the better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 9:05pm

Okay...I see and understand your points. However, for the past month and a half, if not more, we have been basically staying with each other. If he's not spending the night with me, then I'm with him. I'm not spending ALL my time over there, but the majority of it is there. I am basically keeping stuff in my car and getting it out in the morning and doing what I have to do. I, out of no request from him, am picking up his house, doing the laundry, etc. My dd has stayed there with us, etc. I'm not using his "offer" as a solution to anything, even though it would make things easier on me in a lot of ways. However, I want to be there, even though I am worried about dd and how it would effect her. We are basically already living together, just without any of my belongings there. So, what's the difference if my stuff is there and if it isn't?

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 9:37pm

I say that if you have ANY doubts, then you shouldn't move in with him. And from reading your original post (and the previous posts you've had recently about Crush)- there does seem to be many things and issues you're dealing with in regards to him and trust and commitment and stability. I think you are torn between what you want to do and what you think you SHOULD do. I think it's a good time to make an honest "pros/cons" list and REALLY see what the benefits might be, and what the negatives might be.

Ask yourself: are you moving in with the hope that things will get better and become stronger? Also ask yourself: should you move in with him without the "better and stronger" already in place? For me, I'd never make a move to live with a man unless that "better and stronger" already exists. I've married a man (my ex) hoping that the "better and stronger" happens... but it didn't. Never again will I make a huge commitment like that without having that relationship stability THERE first.

And like the others said... it's not just you in the picture. It's DD, too. Wouldn't you rather make a move towards something more definite rather than taking a chance on something you think "might get away"? If what you two have is destined to last, then you can always move in 6 months later, or a year later- *after* you know for sure that these currents doubts have been answered or eliminated. It's not an issue about just where your stuff is stored.

Sorry that I'm not giving you the green light either- but I think we are responding in your best interest. I think that 2-week move-out-date is also forcing you to make the move-in even if you don't think you should.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 10:04pm

I love what Shrimps writes - the better and stronger must be in place FIRST - that marriage and living together do not make this happen. Well said, Shrimps.

Anyway, you asked what is the difference. The difference in my mind is leverage for you. Leverage, that if something is not going well, you CAN stay home.

I know you really have feelings for Crush. And that he realized he missed you and he is doing pretty good. And he is probably genuinely trying to help you and also to just see you more. But I hope you put the convenience aside and give the relationship a little space and time to grow and see where it really goes.

I would rather see you get your own place and get through school and see what he is doing for you through all of this - and after a year. Keep him on his toes and make him wonder what you are doing a few nights a week. This builds your worth and allows you the space to see the forest through the trees - and how he fits in to your whole life. It also gives you the space to parent your daughter and spend time with her.

Otherwise I worry that you would become the maid. Cooking, cleaning. Wondering where he is. It is like you gave him all of you when he doesn't quite deserve it 100% yet. You have too many questions in your mind.

What does your family think? The reason I ask is because they must have met him and I wonder what they think? How responsible is he with bills and his life?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 11:06pm

"I am basically keeping stuff in my car and getting it out in the morning and doing what I have to do. I, out of no request from him, am picking up his house, doing the laundry, etc."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 12:05am

Time has lapsed since the "just friends" thing. The porn stuff was resolved as well. I'm not upset that no one is giving me the green light or thumbs up on this one. But...

We have talked - about anything and everything. Not just about the day to day stuff, but about everything. The whole doing his laundry, etc. is b/c I want too. He didn't ask me, he actually told me not too, that I didn't have to do things like that for him. However, in a lot of ways, I miss that. I miss doing the little things for someone. I miss not having someone to walk in the door after work and tell me about their day. I miss everything about everything.

I'm not wanting to get married, but in a way...I just wanna play house...that may sound silly, but I miss that, and I want that.

He says that he's ready for me to move in...but in tons of ways, I'm placing all of my insecurities that grew to mountains b/c of my exh on crush. I second guess myself all the time, at no fault of his. He's not doing anything...I'm just scared that I'm gonna be hurt again...

I want to move in with him...but I can't bring myself to pack my crap and go b/c I'm scared. I'm not scared of him, but in some ways I am. I'm just scared. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I feel like a horrible mother. I feel like a failure with everything that I've done. I feel bombarded by everyone and anyone. I feel like I can't do anything right. And he listens to me, and he gets it, and he makes me feel so much better. But I'm still scared...I'm scared of life, I'm scared of not living, I'm scared of hurting, I'm scared of making bad decisions; I'm just tired. I feel like I'm walking on quick sand and sinking fast - and in a lot of ways he brings relief to me. And I feel like if I'm there, living with him, life in general will be easier.

But I've looked at the whole picture. I see it. I know. What if it's not a good decision...but how will I ever know unless I take a chance and look down the face of the cliff and just jump - for once, without worrying about something else?

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 12:25am

Kait,


If you feel this is the right thing to do and the chance you have to take, then I'm sure that's the decision you'll make.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 7:08am

Kait, I've read the thread, and while I can understand and mostly agree with what everyone says because I see that they care and want you to be happy, I also understand exactly where you're coming from.

I say, IF you can communicate effectively with him, IF you can talk about your expectations regarding Leah, IF you have discussed what you'll do if things start going bad (will you try to work things out or will you walk away?) IF you have discussed money and how things will be split, IF you believe you're both ready, then move in.

My opinion won't be the popular one, and I can accept that, but I know how you're feeling, and the fact is, no one ever knows for sure that a relationship will or won't last. Reading all the books, taking everything slowly, not letting the children date until you're sure, going to classes, or counselling, agreeing about all of the major things- those are all very good things, but they still don't guarantee happiness. Nothing does.

I am not neccessarily for or against living with someone. I have done it, and I have chosen not to do it in the past. That's a matter of choice, much like sex before marriage. But, I will say that if you move in, you need to make sure you still have time just for you, just for your interests, and just for you and Leah. It's great that he's supportive, and you'll want to do things with him, too, and with him and Leah, but she'll still need mommy-only time, and you'll need your space, even though at first you won't think so. He'll also need his, especially if he's never lived with or been married to anyone before, which I'm not sure you've told us. It doesn't really even matter, all I'm saying is, don't lose yourselves because suddenly you're living together.

I would also caution that you can't move in expecting it to not work out. Move in knowing that if it doesn't, you'll be okay, but don't expect it not to. Every relationship has ups and downs, and if you expect it to not work out, you'll both be ready to bail at the first sign of trouble.

Good luck, Kait, and remember, we are here for you, whatever you do!

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:35am

Kait,

I think you have had a lot on your plate recently. So I can understand how you are stressed. But I don't think you should feel like a failure. And I don't think a relationship is going to cure that. You have to do that. I think if you just give yourself time to get through school and focus on what you have done right (getting out of a bad marriage, negotiating the divorce and custody with an abusive exh and learning to put him in his place, being a single mom and working and going to school plus your singing to name a few) you will get better.

It is good that you are talking. I think Alison has given you some good points to talk about with him in regards to Leah. I think you should definitely find out your expectations for this living together arrangement. What does he expect and what do you expect with Leah, the meaning of this situation for your relationship, what you both want out of life, bills, chores, dealing with your exh, you finishing school, etc.

Then sleep on it and make the decision that is best for you. I hope you think about his integrity and ability to bring you what you want in life - meaning his responsibility and decision making skills.

I don't think you should ever feel like you are jumping off a cliff. That is really scary. I did like Alison's original idea of waiting another 6 months. And Shrimps points that if you didn't have to move out of your place you wouldn't be making this decision now.

The thing is that if you DON"T move in with him - nothing happens. Sure, you might have an inconvenience of living out of your car some days. But there is NO RISK to NOT MOVING.

We all want to play house. So we do know how you feel. I think every single person I meet, never mind one that has had the house situation in the past, wants to have someone to understand them and to appreciate them and be there at the end of the day for them. But we all have to consider the whole picture and the long term to find MrRight not MrRightNow.

You know we are always here and enjoy your updates. We just want the best for you.

(edited to add that there is no risk to not moving in with him)




Edited 6/26/2006 11:35 am ET by cl-west1745

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