Moving In Together???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Moving In Together???
19
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 6:42pm

Okay...so crush and I have pondered over the idea of moving in together for a little while now. Actually, he's brought it up to me about 5 times. While I like the idea, and want to move in with him (especially since I have to be out of my place in two weeks anyway), I brought up some things that he hadn't thought about. I didn't bring up all of these, but these are just some of the things that I'm thinking about.

#1) It's not just me moving in with him, but my dd as well.
#2) In many ways, she will become attached to him.
#3) While things aren't his responsibility, he will "play" a role - and what if that's a burden?
#4) What if it doesn't work out?
#5) If it's not going to work out then it never will, right?
#6) Regardless, why not go ahead and take a chance. I'll never know if I don't give it a try, right?

But...I'm nervous...and I want too...but I've never done anything like this before and I don't know how to really go about things. But, he said last night that he knows it will be a little different b/c of my dd, but that he's willing. So...whenever I'm ready to move my stuff in, then to just move it in.

So?

Kait

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:15am

Your daughter has been and still goes through alot with your ex. Do you really think this would be in her best interest? She WILL become attached to him and if things don't work out, she will be affected.

It sounds like you are moving in for some very questionable reasons. Do you really think you would be considering this if you didn't have to move out in two weeks? Playing house is fine if you only have yourself to consider, but as single parents we need to put our kids first. That means doing what is best for them, even if it is a sacrifice for us.

Your relationship is new and you have already had to deal with some serious issues. You have alot on your plate with your ex, school and job problems. Do you really think jumping off of a cliff is the best route to take? If you do, then you might want to grab a parachute!

If things are meant to be with crush, then things will work out. Why rush into a situation that you are already questioning yourself on?
Stephanie

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:54am

You mentioned concern about your daughter. Common therapeutic wisdom is NOT to have children get emotionally attached until there will be a long term commitment in place for the obvious reason of experiencing yet another loss if it does not work out between you two.

Personally I would not move in with anyone without marrying. I lived with my wife before marrying her. Living together is pretend, marriage is a long term, legal commitment. I now have non-custodial children that I want to role model behavior that I want for them to follow. I do not see playing house is the way I want my children to follow as an example to live. Those are my values.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 11:55am

And I'm not saying that I don't share those values. I was raised to believe that you shouldn't live with/have premarital sex with anyone before marriage. However, just b/c I chose to do the opposite doesn't mean that I don't have any moral fiber.

I know that I can't be selfish and only think of me. I know that Leah is the determining factor in all things that I do. I'm NOT saying that I'm moving in with Crush. However, a big part of me is leaning towards that. But there is a lot more for me to think about, to ponder over, to discuss with him, to discuss with family and friends, etc. And...I have other places that I can go. I'm not going to just be out on the street. I have family that will let my dd and me stay with them until I'm fully back on my feet. With that said, and putting aside for just a second, even if I didn't have to be out, I would still consider moving in with him.

I know I have to weigh my options, especially since I do have a child. And I believe that in many ways I am leading by example. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I have never been a parent before, let alone a single parent. I know that she's still going through a lot with my ex and having to go every other weekend and one week each of the summer months. I know that I have to be the stable force in her life. I know that I have to keep things grounded...and this is so hard. You all know it's hard. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on at all. But...somehow I do. Somehow I get together and get my butt up out of bed, when all I want to do is wollow in my own self pity, and make it through another day. I do it for her, I do it for me, and I do it so she can have a better life and can see that I love her and would do anything for her.

This past month, having to quit my job that was paying this bills over sexual harrassment, over having another job go town the toilet b/c of not getting any hours or making money, I have been strapped. I have $30 in the bank and none in my pocket. I have a job interview today. I'm trying. I'm counting down the days until school starts so I can be done with it. I'M TRYING!!

I'm not using that as an excuse or a reason to move in with crush, in a lot of ways. However, I know that it seems that way and logically, or financially, it seems to be in my best interest to go. We have discussed Leah. We have discussed bills. We haven't discussed what will happen if it starts to go bad, which is something that I intend to talk about tonight. I'm not moving in with him in the next few days, so I've got time, in a sense. And we've talked about each other. He doesn't hold back from me...he tells me exactly what's on in mind and in his heart, and I believe him. It doesn't make me any less nervous about anything. I've never done anything like moving in with someone before, and I've never been in a situation where I'm responsible for another person such as my dd.

There's much more to think about and I value each and everyone of you opinions and value all of the advise. Keep it coming!!! :) I need it! And every point that everyone has made has made me think about different things and different aspects on the things that I have already been mulling over.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 5:21pm

and btw, on a different note:

I gotta new job today...start on Saturday - making twice what I did at applebee's!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 7:37pm

EXCELLENT! Great news - and that happened so quickly!! I applaud you for recognizing that there was a problem and ACTING on it so soon and coming up with something better than the first time.

Okay - keep us posted. I think the response you have here shows you how much we all care about what happens to you. I also think everyone likes to give you advice because you usually put most of it to good use. And you keep our board interesting with your updates.

Advice is always given with good intent - some more passionately than others based on what we all see and have been through. It is up to the person receiving it to take it - or not - and for all of us to support them in whatever way we can.

I think this discussion provides good points and we all learned from it.

I was thinking today that a relationship is much like a job. We have to be educated, have some experience and the right attitude. We have to be willing to learn new things and to set boundaries. In return we get satisfaction from our accomplisments and a paycheck. BUT it is work - and you have to be able to contribute. A job doesn't make you happy or fill you - you have to do these things for yourself FIRST.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 9:17am
That is GREAT news!! Congrats! Hopefully things will start to settle down for you.
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 10:04am

Woohooo! That is great news!!!! Can't beat that with the pay difference, huh??

Congratulations!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 2:57pm

I think it's a horrible idea to move in with this guy. At least, date for one solid year.

Find a new place to live on your own. You can do it.

Playing house with him invites all kind of trouble...not just for you, but for your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 4:51pm

Kait,

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