My daughter and my SO..Your advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
My daughter and my SO..Your advice?
48
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:43pm


What a great board this is, and gireat discussions. I have been following along and enjoying this place very much.

Now I have a question and I'm looking for some of your opinions. I am 38 and my DD is 10 years old. She is the light of my life and I have her with me about 75 percent of the time. My ex (her dad) is very much involved and they have a really good relationship.
The guy I have now been dating Blue Eyes is 52 and has been without young kids in the house for many years.
It is only natural, that she dreams and wishes that I would date no one ever again, (at least it is natural right now for her to feel that way. It's been less than a year since my divorce.)
I have been dating Blue eyes for 10 months. We knew each other long before we started dating, when I was still married. But my DD has only been introduced to him recently, in a slow fashion. I love Blue Eyes, and he feels the same. He wants to move forward, but DD is resistant to most any ideas about getting together for outings with him. She wants me to spend my time with her alone, and most of the time when she is with me it is just her and I.
I do not want to stall my relationship, but DD will always be my number one priority. Is that wrong? In the future maybe things will even out and a strong relationship with a SO will take equal priority, because that would make for a strong family. But now I need to make sure DD knows she is safe, cared for and my prioroty above all.
When does that caring and consideration of the children turn into being manipulated...for example, if they play the "I don't like you dating" card in the begining that's totally understandable but when do you think it's right to move forward even if it is not their desire, even if they are hurt? What if it took 5 years for your DD or DS to "be OK" with you dating...would you wait that long?
And because Blue Eyes is older than me, he has already raised his kids, and I feel he has forgotten the dynamics that mother/daughters go through together. Saturday night I had to pick up DD early and so we had to cut our time short that we were spending with his friends and family. He has been a bit upset lately, maybe due to the awareness of how his dating someone with a 10 year old is going to affect his lifestyle in the long run.
I can not appologize for putting my DD number one in my life nor would I want to. But at the same time Blue Eyes is a wonderful man, I don't want to lose our relationship.
It's a balancing act that I am perhaps not so good at yet.
I wonder what your experiences are here, any advice?
How do you deal with dating someone without kids (or kids long gone) when they are not on the same page all the time, regarding your kids?

Thanks for reading this...it's a bit long but I appreciate your reading this far.

~Pacific~

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 6:24pm

I think you asking two things: (1) Dealing with DD and your dating (2) Dealing with Blue Eyes and your DD

(1) My take is that my children are #1 as well AND that they still can be #1 with me having an adult life. In fact having separate adult relationships and activities are healthy for me and for my children. Some call it "Me time." Using the word "Dating" is too abstract for a 10 yo to grasp what that really means. When I was dating and in relationship, my children did not know that I was "dating" per se or that I was "in relationship." Of course I am the non-custodial parent so that makes a difference. I have had always women friends so another "friend" was no big deal to them. All my children knew was that I was with a friend and we did things together with my friend(s). I incorporated them into my activities.

(2) Hey not being the #1 time/attention priority comes with the territory of dating a custodial single parent. I had to rearrange, cut short or change plans at the last minute because of my children with the women I have been with and visa versa. I work hard on NOT doing that but when I am the non-custodial parent whose former spouse is not the most accommodating then oh well. I believe I can work with someone if she is more-or-less predictable/scheduled about our time together. Ironically my last relationship was with a woman who had two adult children living with her and I had a hard time with that as well as our lack of time together. The lack of time was more due to her job, her spiritual practice, her need to attend to regular home activities, and the distance between us. All I can say with Blue Eyes is that it is better he realizes this now than later on in the relationship.

Good luck,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 7:12pm

Thanks for your advice, Mark.
Yes, it is too soon for my DD to understand about "dating" per se. She is a very smart and perceptive girl, and I believe that I jumped the gun about two months ago by telling her I liked him more than a friend. She asked, and I told (of course no details but she is wise enough to know about romantic feelings, crushes and things of that nature above friendship.) I probably should not have gone there. But I wanted to let her know how happy I am finally (I was in a relationship for 15 years with my ex and it was practically love-less and lacked true romance and joy). I want her to see me living in happiness. The three of us spend time together (my DD, Blue Eyes and I) and I wanted to be able to hold his hand or give a small kiss and not hide our feelings.
Is that selfish?
How have you handeled affection and expression of joy with a "date" or a SO in front of the kids, who will naturally have their opinions?

I wonder if is best to refrain from any affection for sometime, these are the things I ask myself.

Mr Blue Eyes says he understands my committment and dedication to DD who is my priority, he says so logically. But I think only the near future will tell whether he is in it or not for the long haul, the committment to someone with a child in her life. Yes.. you are right about having this known early, and not down the road.

Thank you, again..

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 9:31pm

I don't see where you have to choose or ask all these questions right now. I think your time with your DD should be your time with her and that for right now you should be careful not to give that up or replace it with time with your SO even if it is with her too. And to respect her wishes to just have time with you and not force him on her.

If you have been divorced less than a year it is understandable that she feels the way she does and especially when she is 10 and you are still pretty much her everything. It is her feelings with this matter that must come first. And you should take heart that this will change in time - sooner than you may think. Kids are always growing and changing and just when we feel we have one thing figured out they change it on us. I read in one book that they "change nuisances" as they grow and I must say with a chuckle that I agree.

Your feelings for your SO are different than what she will ever feel. It is okay for you to be in love. But do not expect her to rejoice or understand or feel the same way. That is your relationship with him. It is separate from her.

If I was you, I would not force the issue too much. Just keep seeing him and her separately and do your best to juggle. If you cut something short with him because of her that is good - you are being the BITCH - babe in total control of herself - and putting YOUR priorities first - and when you do that believe me, everything falls into place. I feel you would have bigger problems if you totally catered to him now and then switched it out later on when his expectations would be for that. And you play a little hard to get in the process - this keeps it fresh.

Perhaps at some point he may have a surprise that benefits her - he can be a positive in her life - but not someone that takes away mom. YOu will figure out when this moment is right.

My uncle was dating a woman who was widowed and had a 16 year old and they eventually married. The 16 year old never accepted him in her teen years and she was often rude but he was patient and helped her and her mom a lot. In her 20s she started to really like him. Just recently when she was married he gave her away at her wedding and now they have a close relationship. So it just takes time. You have to go at her pace.

And since she is 10 you do have a long row to hoe with her so to speak. So you want to see now if your SO is going to respect her pace. I think he will if you look like you are okay and not stressed.

Good luck and keep us posted! It is all a process and you will get there. Probably by the end of this year and next year for sure it is going to be all about her school social life and you are going to be 2nd best!! LOL!!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 10:11pm

I was careful not to be physically affectionate with my girlfriends in front of my children. However my children are different from yours I am sure. I did hug her but I make it a point being physically affectionate with all my friends (male and female). I did I handle "expression of joy?" I use as a guide on how I would behave with any good friend. It seems that you cannot go backwards with your expressions of affection with Blue Eyes in front of your DD but perhaps it would be better if you don't make it a threesome so much?

My last gf asked if my children wanted me and my former spouse to get back together for she said, "All children would like to see their parents back together." I never thought of that before and I asked them explicitly and their response was a resounding, "NO WAY" because their mother and me were so different.

You DD can see you "living in happiness" by virtue of the fact you are happy being in this relationship. She does not have to actually see you and Blue Eyes together in order to know that you are happy. It does not matter what the reason is for her. In fact, kids are naturally self centered so it is all about them anyway. That's not a moral judgment but a social-psychological-developmental fact.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:59pm


Your post and advice is very heartfelt and appreciated. You're so right about my DD growing up, and how things eventually will change. Right before my eyes my littel girl is growing up..and before I know it I am going to be longing for those days that I was everything to her! What you have said I can honestly say has struck and honest and positive chord in me. I feel that taking my relationship at the pace that DD is comfortable with is what I need to do right now. I don't want our outings together with Blue eyes to feel forced as that would cetainly make her more resentful. I do believe you are right..that with time, if my SO is a good person, she wil warm up to him and accept our relationship in her own time.
Blue eyes will need to be patient with us if things will work out between us. I certainly hope that they will work out.. but I am begining to see that I need to make my priories more well known and outlined. Not in a cold or distant way at all, but just letting him know that I need to be a BITCH (Babe in total control of herself...I love that).
Putting my priorities first and everything falling into place after that..it sounds right and I can believe that. I do have to practice being true to my priorites. My hope is that Blue Eyes respects that and sticks around to accept the challenges. If he does not, then it is not meant to be. My bets are on on him taking the steps and sticking around. :o)

And Yes I will certainly keep you updated and posted!
Having this resource and insight is invaluable!
Thank you so much..

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:22am


Mark,

I am begining to understand about the showing of affection toward Blue eyes around my DD. I agree also that she will pick up on my happiness and joy just by my being happy. That does make sense.
I guess that my desire to show affection came from tow place. For one, I thought it would be awkward to be so in love yet act like platonic friends while DD is with us. But I am thinking now that it is my perception only and that her comfort level would be to see hugs and things but not the romantic affection. I am not sure if I can beack peddel but certainly I can be more careful around her and more respectful I will need to talk this over with Blue Eyes so he understands where I am coming from, and I can only hope that he goes with it.
The other reason is that DD never saw me affectionate with my ex, her dad. I missed out on showing love outward to the world and really feeling genuine affection, for 15 years. I crave this and Bleu Eyes have so much affection for one another. But.. I am realizing that this is not what makes DD comfortable, and so I can save my affections towards him for when DD is with her dad. (Every other weekend..which sometimes feels like an eternity..but I keep remembering how fast my DD will grow up!)

My thanks again!

~Pacific~
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:42am

I can fully understand the craving for physical affection. I did not grow up with it nor had it with my wife of 19 yrs. I made it a point to be affectionate with my children but it still has been a very conscious effort. Funny thing is that all my subsequent relationships I am the one who initiates the physical affection aspect. My great desire is to have my next (and last) mate to be just as physical if not more so than me. I come to realize for myself that is absolutely critical for me to have in a relationship.

Take care I wish you well,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:41am

I am in the SAME boat! But i dont have a serious enough SO that i need to worry about it now, but i did last winter.


I am 39, we have been seperated appx 2.5 yrs, & my dd is now 7. She has a TERRIBLE time with teh idea of my (or her dad) dating. She cries if she talks or thinks about it. I have tried explaining how adults need adult time, with friends, dates, otehr family, etc - but she is NOT falling for it. lol

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:45am
Good piont - my dd saw NILL for normal affection b/c her Dad & I.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 8:45am

HI there- you've been given some great advice. My children are younger than your dd, but my current SO has none, and most of the men I've dated have never had children.

There have definitely been men who couldn't handle the day to days of dating a woman with children, and we figured out quickly enough that our relationship was not meant to be. My children never met those men, but they did know I was dating.

One thing I did a little differently is call every outing a date. This meant shopping with the girls, taking the kids bowling, and dates with men- anytime I went anywhere, whether with or without them, I was going on a date. This got them accustomed to the idea, and they think a date is just something fun you do out of the house.

Your story reminds me of a man I know, I'll call him R. I liked him for a long time, we have a lot of mutual friends, and we've been on a couple of dates. He has the sweetest 13year old daughter- when we dated she was 11 or 12. R's daughter hates the thought of her father dating, but she's fairly mature for her age and has seen her father with many different women.

After he and I realized a relationship was simply not going to happen, we continued to be casual friends, and whenever we see each other, his daughter asks me why I can't be her dad's girlfriend. I honestly think the reason she's okay with the idea of me being a girlfriend when she hates all the other women is simply because we give off the "friends only" vibe, and she's okay with that.

The reason I bring this up is because while R is the custodial parent, he typically dates women much younger than him, his daughter inevitably loses time with him, and he parades them in and out of her life so quickly it's a wonder she can even keep their names straight. I'm not saying you're doing this, but as I'm not like those other women in the fact that I'm a little older than most of them, have children and a stable(r) life, and have been casually in her life for several years now- I can see why she'd be okay with me but not the others.

I would suggest taking the "together" time slowly, doing casual things that are geared to be fun for your daughter, and simply seeing if over time the interaction between her and blue eyes changes.

Definitely keep your eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble, and don't forget to schedule time with just him as well as just her. I don't believe that your every waking second needs to be with your daughter- i'm a full time 24/7 mom, though, and would NEVER have met anyone if I didn't schedule time away from my kids.

Good luck, and please keep us posted!

Moody, who thinks that happy parents are the best parents


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